Better

For the person who feels like their timing is off, I know how you feel.

But I believe more than anything it's not.

There's a million words out there on God's timing and His plan, my own included. But I felt like I needed to write this for the person who feels like nothing is going according to plan.

I was that girl. Sometimes I am still that girl. But as I continue through life clinging to the arm of God, I am learning that I am exactly where I need to be. As I continue to pry my fingers from my own plans for my life, I am learning what it means to live a life of faith.

Eyes Up

I feel like people are always wanting to hear from God, whether they admit it or not. We want signs. We want proof and direction. We want the stars to align and something greater than ourselves to step in when we don't know what to do. I think we actually expect it.

My question then is are we really looking for God? Are we expecting Him to show up more than just at the big life moments, but also in the day to day?

Looking for God is something that I think starts with training. It must be ingrained in us to keep our eyes open with expectation.

Timelines

Hi friends.

It's been a while. I've been doing the usual busy-ness, but also hard at work dreaming up some fun plans for the future. Spoiler alert: it's an Etsy shop. That's right, I'm going to go ahead and put it out there so that I actually have to do it. And I know it seems like something I should've done a long time ago, but I haven't been ready in every way. Now it just seems like the timing is right... but more on that later. 

Which is why I have and will probably continue to take a step back from writing. Honestly, I haven't seen a lot of growth with this beloved little space of mine. Does anyone even read blogs anymore? It's not that I write for the numbers or fame and fortune, but it's hard to watch something you've worked hard on and feel called to write seem to have less impact than expected. I love writing for the sake of words, but everyone wants what they're creating and putting out into the world to matter. Just keepin' it real here folks. This is the reality of so many bloggers and creatives. 

But anyways, it seems I am consistently learning the value of timing.

The Purpose Is For People

Photography by Kayla Justice

If you've ever gone through something hard at one point of your life (which is everyone reading this), the last thing you want to hear is that it happens for a reason. That you will be grateful for hard times, eventually. That what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

At least for me, those quick-fix attempts at comfort never seemed to work. Like I'm glad that future me will be just peachy, but it doesn't take away the awfulness I feel right now !!!

Unfortunately I'm not here to write a guide on comforting phrases that do work in times of trouble, but rather the opposite. As someone who lives on this earth and participates in the struggle of life, but has walked far enough away to experience the gratitude that is promised, I want to say that it's worth it.

Little Thoughts: H O M E

Before Christmas break (it feels weird saying that outside of school, but because my office was closed for the holidays, I really did have a winter break!), I was having dinner with a friend of mine; and we were talking about the enneagram.

The enneagram is honestly one of my favorite things to read and talk about; BUT that's not the purpose of this post, and I can't dive too deep into it now. Send me a message if you want to chat about it. Basically we are both 9's, and 9's love to be home. We only chatted briefly on our love for being home and how refreshing it would feel over the holidays, but this concept hasn't left my mind since. The interesting part for me was the tie between enneagram type and adoration of home. I knew I was an introvert, but I had never thought of my love for home as more than just a personal preference, but as a part of my personality.

I started thinking about what all I mean when I say love "home." What is it that I crave about it and why?

Here are some thoughts I started collecting recently...

Lately

Hello my friends.

It has been a while since my last post, but here I am sitting in the Orlando airport with a delayed flight and an ache to be back in this familiar space. I'll be honest, I don't have much to say today but we'll see where we end up.

I've been pretty busy with miscellaneous trips and working, but I think what I really needed was a break. It's easy for me to get wrapped up in people-pleasing and "entertaining." I forget why I'm writing and who I'm writing to, and sometimes I just need to step away and breathe. Instead of writing for the one, it becomes writing what I think people want to read from me. Which is not always a bad thing in and of itself, but it is when that voice is louder or more important than the Lord's. I've spent the last few weeks trying to get alone with God and really dig in to what He has for me.

Love Is For The People That Don't Text First

I was on Pinterest the other day (as all productive stories start), and I saw one of those inspirational quotes that said something along the lines of "Only invest in people that invest in you" or something like that. 

You know the kind... the ones that say only make time for those that make time for you. Or don't waste your time on people who don't give you a second glance. They are motivational and powerful and really get your blood circulating and spirit of independence rising. 

But reading those types of quotes don't really give me a good sense of peace. 

There's actually this feeling that reminds me of how I'm supposed to live exactly opposite of how the world says I should live. That I serve a Jesus that calls me to a higher standard than this. 

My former campus pastor Ali Buras once had a conversation with us during leaders' lifegroup that I'll never forget. It centered around our struggle to love difficult people and how choosing to really truly love the people in our lives is hard and painful and ugh, why are we even doing this and isn't there an easier way? And I remember her asking what if we were so committed to loving people that we were willing to risk getting hurt? That our hearts would be willing to break carrying the burdens of people we love? Wouldn't it be worth it to connect them to Jesus? Maybe love when it is done well involves some pain because it involves sacrifice. It is the laying down of our pride and comfort zones. I think this is the type of love Jesus was talking about when He said, "Greater love has no man than this: that he lay down his life for his friends." This is the type of love that Jesus is. 

And I don't think this is the type of love that only chases after people that always reciprocate or show interest in you first. Love is not selfish and can't be reserved only for those that can give something back.

Trust Is Slow And Steady

Okay my friends.

So I made a post on Instagram recently with just a little blurb I felt like God spoke into my life that week. The main thing that had been running through my mind was that God knows my future, and He's not afraid. 

And as soon as I posted it, I felt so instantly that God was like, yo... let's unpack that a little more my friend. Not so urgently that I needed to delete the post, but on the soon-ish side. Usually I make notes in my phone when I get words from God swirling around in my head that I need to write down before I forget; but this time I was driving, so I literally made a voice recording to cringe to while I wrote this post.

But anyways, this phrase, "God knows my future, and He's not afraid" was spoken into my heart during church one Sunday. It's not that I was feeling particularly anxious at the time, but I knew I had been given these words for a reason.

So after I shared a short paragraph on Instagram surrounding this phrase, I knew there was more I needed to talk about here. Like why did that simple phrase make me feel so peaceful and secure? Like of course a perfect, all-knowing God is unafraid of the future... great, how is that supposed to matter to me? Usually just because someone else isn't worried about what might happen to me doesn't make me any less afraid. How and why does this phrase make a difference in my life?

The Most Distracting Place On Earth

Something I have noticed over the last few years is that I have an unfortunate habit of getting really distracted anytime I move to Disney.

Some would say could you blame me and some would say I should be used to it by now; but I'm pretty sure that even if I didn't spend every minute of every day of every week on Disney property, life would still find a way to be a distraction from the things that truly matter.

We always think of consumers as those investing in some sort of material substance, but I would say I'm a consumer of experiences. A collector of moments if you will. I like stuff, but I like moments even better. The ones where I can close my eyes and think about what a sweet and beautiful life this is. For me that looks like the perfect sunset over Magic Kingdom or screaming Disney Mania songs before Fantasmic or my eyeballs filling with tears as the audience gasps in audible awe and wonder of the fireworks show. Obviously, I am easily amazed and dazzled by beautiful things. I'm so guilty of thinking, wow this is what makes life worth living. These moments are collected in my heart every chance I get. There's serious "fear of missing out," and I get caught in the mindset that I have to do it all. And I think that's where I get addicted.

These moments are really beautiful, magical things, but sometimes I find myself chasing them down more than I chase Jesus.

Writing Love Letters

Hi friends.

So you're probably going to hate me for this... honestly, I hate me for this, but I'm centering this post around a reference made in the movie To All The Boys I've Loved Before. I'd just like to point out 1) not to be that annoying person, but I read the books first like five years ago and 2) I love this movie not only for its cinematic quality, but also for the way it made me think and feel.

At the beginning of the film, Lara Jean explains that she writes love letters to all the boys she's ever loved saying, "I write a letter when I have a crush so intense that I don't know what else to do. Rereading the letters reminds me how powerful my emotions can be, how all-consuming."

Y'all as soon as I heard that line, I thought mmm, that is a word... because I do the same thing.

But not love letters to boys. I actually write my letters to God and keep them not in a hatbox, but in a journal that sits on the nightstand by my bed.

There are ten journals in all, going on eleven. They are all shapes and sizes, lined and unlined, different and unique like each passing year. I started journaling in 2011 during my sophomore year of high school and have stayed fairly consistent since then. Growing up, every girl tries to keep a diary of events and inevitably fails because writing about what you had for breakfast is tbh boring. But when I started journaling, it became a way to keep track of my prayers and grew into my favorite way to connect with God. It has become essential in processing and controlling my emotions; and I relate to Lara Jean because I also understand and believe in the power of emotions.

Finding Magic In The Ordinary

Hey friends.

Recently one of my readers asked to read about coming off a "high" of happy things and going back to a regular, more simple routine, and wow I thought that was so relatable. I feel like I'm constantly walking in and out of that season of life. This is especially relevant for anyone who has had a summer full of freedom and adventure, but the return to school and normalcy is right around the corner. So here it goes, all my thoughts and experiences on the ordinary.

I like to compare the feeling to taking the best vacation ever, but dreading the long, boring drive back home. I remember in high school all my friends would go off to church camp for a week in the summer and come back on a high for a little while, but then simmer back down to longing to be away at camp. There's that feeling of wishing a moment could last forever. Life on the beach or in another country just seems so much better than regular life at school or work. 

So imagine being on your favorite vacation for six months straight, and what it would feel like to come back afterwards. That's what my story looks like. My favorite place is Disney World (big surprise), and there is a real life magic that lives there. When I came back from living there on my first Disney College Program, I came down hard. Everything seemed a shade duller than my life in Orlando, and I felt like I had taken two steps backwards. It wasn't even about leaving the physical place, but rather leaving behind a season of adventure. I discovered a wild piece of myself there, and going back home made me feel like I was going back to a less exciting, normal version of myself. I was absolutely miserable because I missed a magic that was always right in front of me, so ingrained into my everyday life. Resentment toward my current circumstances rose inside me, and I unintentionally compared everything to a "better" season of life. 

Three Things You Won't Learn Until You Blog

Hey friends!

I can't believe it's already August. For sixteen years, this month has held new beginnings; but now that I've graduated college, it's simply August. But this month will always be special to me because it marks the anniversary of this blog! I started writing in 2015 at the beginning of my sophomore year of college, and since then I've learned and grown so much. My first post ever was the smash hit "Three Things You Won't Learn At Freshman Orientation," so today I'm sharing three things I've learned along the blogging journey since then. 

Career + Heaven Minded

Hi friends!

I realize it's been a while since I've updated the blog, so here's what's been going on lately...

First of all, thank you to everyone who sent me a message after my last post. I felt so loved and taken care of. It was a sweet reminder that I am never alone, even if it can feel like that some days.

Life is finally starting to settle down for me. My lease in BR got taken (PRAISE GOD FROM WHOM ALL BLESSINGS FLOW); I have a place to live, and I love my job. The professional internships at Disney are so much different than the college program... which I guess I knew, but didn't fully understand until now. PI's really concentrate on teaching you new things. I'm learning so much, and getting to practice exactly what I learned in school makes me wish I would've paid more attention! Just kidding, but not really. If anyone has more questions on a day in the life or my application process, please don't hesitate to reach out! I will never tire of talking about my experiences with the Mouse. 

I'm really feeling like a grown-up these days because I honestly go to bed by 9:30pm every night to wake up at 6am to go to work! I love the routine, but there are still days that are hard; like when I come home to no one or spend an entire day with my only words having been my order in the Chick-Fil-A drive thru. I feel so far from my family, and I cry on group FaceTime dates with my old roommates because I miss them and the way things used to be.

But even so, I know there's so much God wants to teach me here.

Moving Is Hard

Hey friends.

So I've been in Orlando for about a week now, but it feels like I've been here twenty years already. Part of that's because this place is another extension of home to me. I have a handful of people that I know and love, and I've built a lot of memories here. I've become a lot of myself during the time I've spent living here, so it just feels natural to be back. I love that.

But my time here feels long also because it's been hard. I knew moving would be hard, but just the logistics and emotional stress of it all feels like too much sometimes. 

Little Thoughts, Vol. 2

Hey friends!

I feel like I've been posting quite a bit lately, but mostly about photoshoots. Which I love sharing my creative work with you, and I appreciate all the encouragement and feedback; but I also just wanted to share some updates on what's going through my head.

He's In The Waiting

We live in a culture that hates waiting.

We hate long lines at Walmart or waiting more than 15 minutes for a table at Olive Garden. The world falls apart when our Netflix show is buffering. We'll choose the lane with the least amount of cars because we hate sitting in traffic. We come up with games to play or things to read to pass the time, because waiting is almost never very fun. 

And I'm not here to convince you otherwise. I'm not going to come up with a list of reasons why waiting is actually the best thing to ever happen to you or why you are the most blessed individual because you are in a season of waiting (even though those things could be true). 

Maybe you are waiting on a job opening. You polished the resumé, submitted the application, and just want to know your status, whether good or bad because knowing is better than the waiting. 

Maybe you are waiting for your perfect person. You are waiting to love and be loved in return, and not just anyone will do. You've been on the hunt in the relationship department, only to take a bullet yourself one too many times; and here you are deciding to wait for the right one to find you. 

Maybe you are waiting for a sign. You are waiting to hear from God or the universe or whatever it is that is worthy of directing your life about the next part of the plan... where you should move, what your calling is, and how to get there.

Maybe you are just waiting for the pain of the present season to end. The light at the end of the tunnel isn't there, and you feel stuck in the space in between. It's been a rough week, month, year, and you are ready to finally be out of the woods.

Sometimes waiting can feel something like being forgotten. 

Whole Heart: A Love Without Walls

Your love

It comes with no conditions

You give us Your whole heart

My hope

Is in the blood of Jesus

I know who I am

Because of who You are

- Whole Heart by Passion 

Ya'll, I cannot stop playing this song... It's the opening track to Passion's new album titled Whole Heart, and I'm obsessed. 

Just a quick overview of Passion: it's a conference for young adults, ages 18-24, hosted in Atlanta featuring all the big-name Christian speakers and worship leaders. It's a movement really, of young adults passionate about making Jesus the center of everything. Unfortunately I haven't been able to go the last few years; but I attended my senior year of high school and freshman year of college, and to this day I remember how the teaching and worship experience changed my life. 

Each year the Passion worship band releases an album of the songs played at the conference, and the first few lines of the first track (Whole Heart) have been constantly running through my head lately.

Your love

It comes with no conditions

You give us Your whole heart

Once again, I am reminded of how the love of God is so unlike human love. 

Little Thoughts, Vol. 1

Hey friends.

So I've been wanting to write for a while, but have been struggling with what to write on. If I had the chance, I would sit across from each one of you with a cup of coffee or lunch at Chick-fil-A and just want to hear about your life.

So let's just pretend like that's what we're doing here and catch up on some little thoughts that have been running through my head lately.

We Are Called To Dream

I am that friend that is obsessed with Disney.

Everyone knows it, and I'm not ashamed to say it. As soon as someone even remotely refers to Disney, my senses are on high alert and every head in the room spins to look at me.

Some people love Disney for the characters and the timeless stories of magic and fairytale. Most people would say Disney played an integral part of their childhood memories. Others love this company because of the excellence with which they operate. If you love theme parks and creativity and history and business and world domination, it would be hard not to be a fan of Disney in some way, shape, or form.

I love this company for all these reasons and more, but the thing that I admire the most is their commitment to dreaming.

I love that the tagline for Disney's Parks and Resorts is "Where dreams come true." They have created an atmosphere of magic and fantasy, transforming kids into real life princes and princesses, pirates, and storybook characters. A little girl's biggest dream could be to meet Cinderella; and here there's a place to meet her, see her castle, and even transform into Cinderella herself.

And if Disney can make a kid believe that even their wildest, most fantastic dreams of whimsy can come true, how much easier is it to convince them that their smaller, yet still big real-life dreams can too?

Monday Motivation: For When You Don't Feel Like Wonder Woman

Hey friends.

Something you might not know about me:

I am easily intimidated.

I have dealt with high social anxiety in the past, though it is quieter now. I make a lot of assumptions and can easily be trapped in the lies of comparison. It doesn't take a lot to make me feel small inside.

Recently I felt my levels of anxiety begin to rise, and I realized I was feeling intimidated by my week. It was Sunday night, and as I was looking across the horizon of all that I had to do, I already felt nervous and defeated before even really starting.

I was looking at the mountain of literal things to do like homework assignments and classes. I was looking at the work and effort it would take to get those things done. I was looking at the people in my life that I love the most, and the time and emotion it takes to invest in them. I was looking at my future in all of its uncertainty, knowing the resumes and applications and interviews it would take to get where I want to be.

I was looking at all this mess; and while I told myself "I can't do this," I just immediately felt in my spirit the Lord say, "You will not and cannot be intimidated by tomorrow."