Writing Love Letters

Hi friends.

So you're probably going to hate me for this... honestly, I hate me for this, but I'm centering this post around a reference made in the movie To All The Boys I've Loved Before. I'd just like to point out 1) not to be that annoying person, but I read the books first like five years ago and 2) I love this movie not only for its cinematic quality, but also for the way it made me think and feel.

At the beginning of the film, Lara Jean explains that she writes love letters to all the boys she's ever loved saying, "I write a letter when I have a crush so intense that I don't know what else to do. Rereading the letters reminds me how powerful my emotions can be, how all-consuming."

Y'all as soon as I heard that line, I thought mmm, that is a word... because I do the same thing.

But not love letters to boys. I actually write my letters to God and keep them not in a hatbox, but in a journal that sits on the nightstand by my bed.

There are ten journals in all, going on eleven. They are all shapes and sizes, lined and unlined, different and unique like each passing year. I started journaling in 2011 during my sophomore year of high school and have stayed fairly consistent since then. Growing up, every girl tries to keep a diary of events and inevitably fails because writing about what you had for breakfast is tbh boring. But when I started journaling, it became a way to keep track of my prayers and grew into my favorite way to connect with God. It has become essential in processing and controlling my emotions; and I relate to Lara Jean because I also understand and believe in the power of emotions.

There are a lot of different kinds of people that read this blog, and I love that. Whether you know God or don't, have been looking for ways to go deeper or are just waiting to hear something from Him at all, I thought maybe I'd share an integral part of my relationship with God and how I emotionally process.

When I say I write letters to God, I literally start out each entry with "Dear God." Partially because yes, they are letters; but I also grew up learning to pray like that. I write about things He has done for me and things I want or need from Him. There are names in there of the people in my life that I love or the Wal-Mart cashier that was kind to me. There are names of the people in my life that I don't exactly love as well. There are praises and worship written down, but there are also questions and frustrations and pleas begging for Him to answer.

See, my letters are stories of seasons.

There are seasons that were good. The ones in which I felt the nearness of God so real that it felt like I could reach out and touch Him. My joy was full, and it was as if He was right next to me answering every prayer. I could write and the Holy Spirit would bring clarity and peace and healing as soon as the words were written. These seasons are sweet because I can look back and remind myself of how good the Lord has been to me.

But there are also seasons that were bad in which I felt the farthest from God I could ever be. There were questions and doubts that seemed to have no answer. Sometimes it seemed like my prayers were nothing more than words on the page. I have walked through depression and insecurity and a time when I felt I had no purpose. There are pages literally smeared with tears from heartbreak and loneliness. I have been angry and hurt and ready to walk away from a God who I felt was not there for me. I have written the words in my heart that I could never have been brave enough to speak out loud.

And I look back and say that even though those seasons were painful and hurt more, they were still sweet because He brought me through it. There are so many times when I've been writing down my thoughts of anxiety and questions with no sense of direction; but by the end, I've come to better know the will of God as if He's taken my pen and written it Himself.

So I write this for those who are looking to spice up their faith or struggle with hearing from God. If you are craving a sign or question if He's even there. To those who are looking at their life and wondering when will He show up?

I also write for those who just feel overwhelmed by their emotions and thoughts. It is crushing to have everything inside you and not know how to just release. Gosh, I know what that feels like, which is why I'm so passionate about self-awareness. I have to use this method to process everything my head thinks and heart feels. But maybe it's not writing for you. It's so important to make space for however it is you experience and grow from your emotions.

But the thing is, it only works if we're honest. When I write, I hold nothing back because I know physically it's for my own eyeballs only. Use the names. Ask the questions. Write the things that we're too scared or ashamed to say out loud. God knows what's in our hearts anyways. Besides that fact, He's not afraid of what's in our hearts. He can handle our questions and bad words and exclamation points. That's the beautiful thing about God is that even when it gets to the point that our closest best friend can't handle us... God delights in us. Even if we're confused and mad at Him, I think He'd rather us tell Him and be near instead of running away. And when we're ready to take a deep breath and stop screaming everywhere, He'll be there to pick us up again.

Words don't have to be eloquent or perfect when it comes to emotions. Sometimes my letters simply say, "God, I'm sad, and I don't know why. Help pls." There are things and people I have prayed over for literal years that I can look back on and see how God answered; and there are things I prayed as a two second after-thought that God has seen and answered for me as well. And despite all the hand cramps and time spent, it's been so worth it to have a tangible record of how God has shown up. I tend to forget about His goodness a lot more than I should.

Just like we love to receive snail mail or love letters or even a sweet text, I think God loves to hear from us in this way as well. I can't wait to look back through my letters to see how God has been present over the course of my whole life. 

How do you process your emotions or connect with God? If you're looking for something new, go invest in a pretty journal and start writing what you feel. Like Lara Jean said... emotions are powerful. But just because they're powerful doesn't mean we have to be afraid of them. Also there is no one better to write love letters to than Jesus. They won't come back return-to-sender or scare Him away or confuse Him. He will never let us down, and your letters are safe with Him.