Someone To Fall Back On

One of my favorite movies is Bandslam.

No one has ever heard of it. It's not an award-winning, brilliant masterpiece. It came out when I was a prime teenybopper, and it's a cliché, angsty, coming-of-age film. Maybe I like it because I'm obsessed with Vanessa Hudgens. But I love it mainly because I connect with the characters so well. That coming-of-age feeling of learning who you are and bravely fighting to be that person wholly and completely.

I love the main character, Will Burton, because he is passionate about music and can't help but let that passion spill out of him. He's a little odd and awkward, but he is himself. I love Vanessa Hudgens' character Sa5m, because she is monotonous and angsty and the most confidently herself of them all. She knows who she is, and she doesn't ask for much. And I love Aly Michalka's character, Charlotte, because she is figuring out how to be the best version of herself. She is trying to be good and honest, and it's hard.

One of the best things about this movie is the main song "Someone To Fall Back On." This is the main chorus:

I am no prince,
I am no saint,
I am not anyone's wildest dream,
But I can stand behind
And be someone to fall back on.

I adore this song. It's a declaration of devotion and the sweetest form of humility and self-sacrifice in a world that demands attention.

I am consistently asking myself if I am this person... this "someone" to fall back on. I feel like this person, but sometimes not in the best way. Sometimes I carry this as a bitter chip on my shoulder. I don't claim to be the center of someone's world, the most important person in someone's life, anyone's wildest dream; and yet I still wrestle with feeling forgotten or taken advantage of. The weight of my identity is yet again placed in the hands of other people who will inevitably let me down. What other people think/feel/say about me begins to matter enough to significantly impact my emotional well being.

Which brings me back to Jesus. Our sweet Savior and most loyal Friend. What would we do without Him? He is gentle and patient in reminding us of who we are. We are still worthy and valued and enough even without reciprocation or applause. 

He gives us courage to be someone to fall back on with contentment and peace in our hearts. We can stand in the shadows and feel okay with our place in others' lives; even if that mean being overlooked. We can be okay with being a last minute phone call when life feels like it's crumbling or the frantic texts when the boy is acting a fool. Our pride might scoff at someone who only calls when they need something or only ever thinks of you a few times a year... but that's not what Jesus would do.

In every moment before we even remember, He is standing before, beside, and behind us with arms wide open, saying trust me, I got you. I think about all the times I run ahead of Him with eyes focused only on myself, and how trustworthy and kind He is to always be our Someone to fall back on. There is never a moment He leaves us in need, and I aspire to be as graceful as Him in moments when my humanity wants to be petty or cruel. 

There is a line in the song that says "You're wrong, you don't need much. You need someone to fall back on." And I think that's so beautiful and true. How honorable it is to be something to someone that they never knew they needed. 

Missing What's Gone

I went to a movie by myself tonight, as I enjoy doing

frequently.

I sang loudly and terribly along to my feelings playlist on the way home.

I walked up the steps to the second floor of my building and opened the door to my empty little apartment.

And I thank God for the sweet peace that rests in my heart.

I think a lot of people would be sad to spend their Friday night as I have. Maybe even a past me would feel sorry for myself or wrestle with an unbearable ache of loneliness. And maybe the ache of loneliness never really left, but I've adjusted to it. Even be-friended this melancholy solitude. We are the closest of friends now.

I was thinking on the way home, what if my life always looked like this? Would I be okay?

I don't think we realize certain seasons of life are seasons until we're out of them. When I was in school, I felt like I would live forever. That I was in my glory days. My friendships would never die, and we would stay like this into eternity.

Now I live hundreds of miles away, and life looks different than it did just two years ago. I think that makes me sad, but in a way that accepts that this is just life. It's not worse or unfulfilled, just different.

I miss things, people, seasons; but I'm okay with that. Some people can't stand to be sad or feel anything, but I'm okay with it. I've found that to be my best way of coping with it... I can't run. I can't bury it. I can only sit with it when it comes to visit in the still and quiet. In the gentle reminders of a time that is close to my heart. It's okay to miss all the things that are gone.

I miss people and my seasons with certain people the most. It's because I know that nothing can ever go back to being the same. Everyone changes, and there's nothing I can do to stop that. I just want to be a part of it, you know? But most of the time I just get to watch.

When I think about the fact that Jesus not only knows each human emotion, but feels them, I get even more emotional. I have heard it said that He dignifies every human emotion, and I think that's beautiful. It makes me think about what He misses... how He must miss us each time we are distant from Him. How He just wants to be a part of all the dynamic changes experienced by His creation. I want that to sit in the forefront of my mind so that I remember to feel things with God. In the sweet moments of solitude that I cherish, I want to sit in it with Him. We're together on this, and I'm thankful for that.