Quarantine Thoughts, Vol. III: Just Breathe

Hi, hello.

Nothing much to report here but the usual.

Wake up. Change out of sleep Nike shorts into work Nike shorts. WFH. Paint or watch movies with my roommates. Sleep and repeat.

I think it's interesting all the different thoughts swirling around on the internet these days about what to do, how to feel about quarantine. Some are shouting productivity above all else, don't lose routine or waste time. Some say screw all that, do what you want, you don't have to be any certain way in these unprecedented times.

It's all just noise to me. I think I'm choosing a nice mix of those views aka whatever feels healthiest for me. I like watching movies and consuming content regularly anyways, but I also don't want my brain to turn to mush. I like making things with my hands and being productive, but I also like naps. We are just taking it day by day as we focus more so on maintaining a healthy mind. What kinds of activities will foster an environment of peace? Do I need rest, or do I need to be creative? How does God want me to use my time today?

There are still opportunities to be intentional even from the comfort of my own home.

But to be honest, today was one of the hardest days I've had yet. I really haven't struggled much more than the average person - I have a lot of hobbies and projects, so it's not boredom that I wrestle with. The weight of hopelessness just felt a lot heavier today than usual. No one really has any more answers than I do, and it's the unknown that is haunting us all. I keep in close touch with my friends and my family, truly more than ever since we're all stuck at home. But I want to be mindful of not relying on them to be my source of peace and stability.

On Sunday, my pastor brought up a point that has given me a strange sense of comfort... it's that the fear of an upcoming economic crisis is not unwarranted. It's natural to feel fear because these are difficult and unprecedented times. This justifies our fear, but doesn't give us an excuse. When we feel fear, we are not overestimating the magnitude of our situation, but holding on to an inaccurate view of our God. 

I was almost in tears listening to this, because I'm crazy and think about my company and the economy every single day... and I just felt this weight/pressure to be okay lift from my shoulders. As a believer, I think it's sometimes hard to let ourselves deal with everything we truly feel because we cover it with what we should feel. Hearing my pastor give us room to feel fear, then give it to Jesus was the moment I needed to just breathe.

How sweet is it that Jesus extends that grace to us - to just breathe?

Welp, that about sums up my Thursday night quarantine thoughts. Here's to a better tomorrow. This weekend find me reading Bob Iger's book, rewatching Brooklyn Nine-Nine episodes, going on wellness walks around Celebration (6 feet apart), and continuing to check in on my people :)

Quarantine Thoughts, Vol. II: La La Land

Dear Quarantine Diary,

Today we watched La La Land, and I honestly forgot how much I like this movie. I'm pretty sure I only saw it once in theaters, but it's the artsy, abstract, dare I say ~melancholic~ type of film that I usually enjoy. There were a lot of thoughts swirling around as I watched; and since I have some extra time on my hands, here's the review no one asked for.

It seems the older I've gotten, the more I understand the depth of this movie's sadness. It wasn't until the past year or two that I fell in love with different dreams that God has placed on my heart... so watching this now I have a better grasp of what it means to love a dream more than a person. I couldn't understand how Mia and Seb could let each other go so easily if they loved each other. Shouldn't that have made everything okay? Shouldn't their lives have shifted to revolve around each other? Or at least wouldn't their own dreams pale in light of the love that they have?

Truthfully that's what I would have thought up until the last year or so.

But as God has led me to new dreams and visions for myself outside the realm of romance, I think I get it. As I grow in my independence and passion for my life, I don't know how easy it would be to let all that go for a person - even if what I felt for them was strong. I hear Mia and Seb's arguments and feel the conflicting directions their hearts are being pulled. I know what it means to let someone go with love still lingering in your heart.

And of course the movie ends with a gentle "what could have been" alternate reality, even though we see that Mia and Seb live full and happy lives apart from from each other. To me, the most heartbreaking part of that ending is not that they aren't together (spoiler alert); but that they have each gotten what they wanted out of life, and that it's good. Even though what they had was beautiful, they are okay without each other.

It's not like I even think the desire to pursue their own dreams outweighed their love for each other. In fact, I think they loved each other so much that they were willing to let go. Isn't that what brave love looks like? To let a person go in pursuit of their happiness, their dreams even if that doesn't include you. It's hard to love someone that open handedly. My natural instinct is to do the opposite and act out of a scarcity mentality. 

Honest thoughts - I used to think if it was the right person, I would do anything for them. I would sacrifice everything to be with them. But as I lean into what God has set before me, it just goes back to being purposed for so much more. And I trust Him more than ever to bring in someone who aligns with that purpose/vision. Man oh man, what a relief it is to surrender something that should cause me crippling anxiety to a God who's always got my back :) 

Quarantine Thoughts

Is it weird to say that I'm enjoying my quarantine life?

Probably not since I love being home so much (but in all actuality, I think many would say I'm pretty social). Also, I'm not actually quarantined, just working from home like most these days.

I've swung through every possible mood/emotion you could possibly have in these ~unprecedented~ times. Apathy to anxiety to denial to panic. I find myself needing to dial in to a reality check. A truth check, if you will.

1. That this will not last forever. The world will not always be like this. It will be changed, yes - but we will return to a normal eventually.

2. That God has not abandoned us. He is not surprised by this pandemic, and He is with us even now.

I hit the stage of fear today. I had been looking toward news articles, social media posts, opinions of other people to bring me a sense of comfort. I wanted these people to tell me it would be okay, but they only left me feeling more restless than ever.

The world is shutting down. Our economy is shutting down... what does this mean for my job? I felt fear creep in and grip my heart, and I quickly wandered down the rabbit hole of worse case scenarios. If I lost my job, could I get another one? What if I couldn't find one in Orlando, how would I live? How long would my parents help me? How long before I had to move home to Louisiana? What would I do in Louisiana, where would I work? What if I could come back to Disney, how long until they brought me back? Would I be able to move back just like that?

That's what my brain looked like today before we stopped and sat down for a nice long talk with Jesus.

As I began explaining my anxieties to Him, I could already start to feel the weight of their untruth be lifted from me. At the root of all those questions was the fear that God was not looking out for me. That He would not provide for me and that our master plan was ruined.

Those are lies from the Enemy, and I know that. I don't truly believe those things. Maybe I am naive or attempting to numb myself into feeling okay... or maybe the Lord is already reassuring me that this is not the end. I know He has cast vision for my life, and I know that He will provide for me, whatever that looks like. He has brought me so far, and it's hard for me not to believe He will be faithful to complete the good work He has begun in me.

I don't want to be another voice adding to the fear and chaos of this world. It's so easy to look inward and focus on what this means for me and my life, but that's not what's needed right now. I think Jesus is asking us to be His hands and feet here. He is asking us to look to Him and walk with a steadiness that is contradictory to the current state of the world. He is asking us to use our voices to speak light and peace in a season of uncertainty.

As believers, we cannot be voices that add to the chaos. We just can't. There's truly no reason for us to be. I know there will be challenges and hardship ahead - being a believer doesn't excuse us from that. But we will be okay because God is with us and within us. That alone is enough to bring us peace. He is enough.

There's a lot swirling around on the internet these days, and I hesitated to add to it... but this has been my official statement of hope. Let's not give in to the fear, friends. It's so easy if we're looking to anyone or anything else but Jesus to quiet our hearts. He's still with us. He will always be our greatest Hope as we continue to pray for healing to our earth.

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." - John 14:27