Things I Miss

Today was restless for me.

I woke up later than usual, which for me is 9:30am. Anytime I wake up late, it's hard for me to make good use of the day. My brain just decides that the whole day is gone already (which I realize is irrational - it's fine).

I worked out, FaceTimed a friend I haven't talked to since college just to say hi, finished painting a graduation cap, then drove to the post office to drop off a handful of orders.

There are a lot of things I miss on days like this... here's my list for today:

- getting dressed for work
- the Winter Garden Farmer's Market
- going to the movies and getting a large popcorn and coke icee
- happy hour celebrations at Ale House with my work friends
- going to church
- Mr. Kamal's dumplings at Animal Kingdom
- trying to decide if the careers of the live performers at Disney Springs are at their peak or rock bottom
- planning whatever next trip to see my family and friends from home
- golden hour at Hollywood Studios

Waiting To Resting To Dancing

Alright, I'm done with the whole Quarantine Volumes because who knows how long that could go on.

Some days I feel like I am truly thriving in this environment, finally devoting myself to creative freedom.

Some days I miss my people so much that my heart aches. I want to hug them, squeeze their hands, rest my head on their shoulder. I miss just being with them.

I found myself feeling restless earlier this evening, so I went on a drive to talk with the Lord about the heaviness in my heart. As much as I want this to end, I don't want to let precious time with God pass me by. I want to use this time that I claim to never have as wisely as I can. So much of my purpose for being and living here at WDW revolves around loving on the people that I work with. Just because we aren't in the same physical location doesn't mean my purpose is lost. Something I've been asking God for is how to love my people more creatively from afar. What does He want to say to them? Who needs to hear from God right now and how can He use me to speak it? I'm praying that even if I am not struggling, that God would burden my heart with compassion for those who are.

One strange area of peace and gratitude I have been feeling lately is in my singleness.

I always want to remember this feeling. But I won't, so I'm writing it down as proof.

I think I've resented being single my literal whole life up until about a year ago. Looking back even in my proudest moments, there was still a lingering insecurity. There was still the burning desire for a relationship so strong that I would do anything to have one. A majority of my decisions intrinsically revolved around how it would affect me relationally. My eyes roll at my past self and how ~desperate~ she was. While my heart is sad for her naïveté, it is also stronger because of it.

Loneliness paralyzed me in college, and most of the time I felt like I was going through it alone. Half of my friends either had boyfriends or fiancees or husbands. The other half didn't feel the same pressure or depth of loneliness or maybe just didn't want what I wanted as much. I wrestled with the bitter depths of heartache as everyone else got what I wanted the most. The feelings of being alone, overlooked, and forgotten were very near and very real to me.

And yet, here I am only a couple of years later - not ready to leave my days of celibacy behind so soon.

My friends from home like to matchmake me with their sig-oth's friends, and it's honestly hilarious. First of all, why is my relationship status one that needs "fixing" anyways? I'm never truly offended because it's usually just for fun, but it causes me to reflect on the general attitude toward singleness.

Second of all, I don't live in Louisiana anymore, and no one seems to take that seriously (insert upside-down smiley face). I will say, past me would have been interested in anyone or at least dreamt of the possibility. Did I mention my past self was desperate? Ya girl was willing to make anything work. But now that makes me laugh... My people from home could testify that I would have probably been voted least likely to choose her career over a boyfriend. I was so focused on getting married that the thought would never have even occurred to me in college.

For the first time, I feel like God has led me to a genuine place of dancing in my singleness. Not dragging my feet or even waiting or resting, but truer joy more and more each day. And I want to believe that genuine confidence in this season is real and not disillusioned.

I dance in this season knowing that there is purpose. In loneliness, sometimes there is no greater gift than joining hands with someone who knows exactly how you feel. Someone who is married or in a relationship is usually disqualified from this position by default... there is an inevitable change in their voice. I’m not ready for that to be me yet. I'm realizing how short the season of singleness could be relative to the rest of my life, and I know the Lord still has so much to do in and through me here.

I know I speak a lot about this topic in this space, but I want single women to carry with them an anthem - one that is authentic but vulnerable. Please by all means, face all the feelings. Kneel in the heartache and the loneliness, knowing that God is with you; but we will not be staying here forever. When you are ready, let Him show you how to rise into a place of empathy and empowerment.

Quarantine Thoughts, Vol. VI: A Fair Trade

Hiiii friends.

I hope this blog post finds you well.

...which is what every email I've sent in the last month has started with.

I have actually been doing very well despite the circumstances. Or at least better than I expected. I feared a shift in my mental health; but I have been strong, and God has been good. We've set up some really healthy habits to keep my body and mind active. In fact, I've been exercising everyday except Saturday's for the last 3 weeks! My friends laugh at me because I consistently hit a time of year when I want to be fit; so I'll try running, and it never lasts more than 3 days. I think I just needed to figure out that cardio is not for me.

While my own mental and physical health has been strong, I've been trying to be more mindful of those who are really struggling right now. In my own world, I know that cast members are having a hard time that will only continue to get harder, as many of us will be furloughed after the 18th. I know that I will be okay, but I am sad for those who truly miss making the magic of Disney. There are some who feel their whole purpose is tied to creating happiness here. I can only imagine the emptiness that many CM's are experiencing, especially our front line operations cast. It is an extraordinary honor to wear a name tag and be a part of this legacy, and it has been an emotional week knowing we will be laying down those name tags indefinitely.

But as I lay my name tag down, I will be picking up my paintbrush with enthusiasm. I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little bit excited for the chance to work full time on my business.  There are so many of my own personal ideas to create, business updates and rebranding to do. I have quite a few custom orders, some in bulk as client gifts for other small businesses. For once I am not intimidated by the number of orders I've received, knowing I now have every single day to devote to painting. When else would I get this opportunity? I believe it has to be a God-thing... As if to prove His provision, I just received enough orders to supplement my income for the first week I won't be receiving a paycheck from Disney. Like, is this for real? He doesn't have to be this good, this kind - but He is. He is Jehovah-Jireh.

Other thoughts:

- I need a haircut. Straight haired folks can't cut their own hair the same way curls can. It doesn't look as bad right now as the photo in this post makes it seem, but I'm certainly getting there.

- We have been keeping a list of all the content we've consumed while in quarantine, and the variety is honestly hilarious (from Parasite to Nicholas Sparks to Cheaper By The Dozen). I'll be sure to share the list at some point.

- I'm hoping to finish Bob Iger's book soon (when did I become such a distracted reader?) and will probably post some thoughts here once I'm done.

- Also Easter was emotional for me to no one's surprise, but I really wished I could be emotional surrounded by my church family.

Just thought I would share a short update. The month ahead might be difficult, but it will also be good.

Quarantine Thoughts, Vol. V: A Good Monday

It's the start of week FOUR.

Four weeks. A whole month of a changed world.

I'm so dramatic.

I'm feeling strong and motivated this week. The weekend was good for me. I'm finally understanding the corporate culture attitude surrounding the weekend. The classic TGIF, "How was your weekend?" ... "Oh, not long enough" exchange *insert finger guns*. Even though my weekends consist of the same four walls as my work week these days, I've never felt more of a need for rest than I do now. Everything at work is chaos. Everything changes in the matter of seconds. One of the qualms of working for such a public company is that we are consistently in the news. I can't scroll twice through social media without reading some article or speculation about what Disney is doing.

This shift in attitude toward my work is so interesting to me. Working for Disney has never been true work for me. I generally enjoy going into the office and never leave with the need to escape. And not that I think that has changed drastically, but I find myself craving more rest now that work is associated with feelings of uncertainty and instability. My eight hours a day, five days a week has never been more mentally or emotionally draining.

This weekend was very productive for me personally. The 9 in me is a better, healthier version of me in productivity. Saturday was my lazy day - I took the morning off from stretching, Kelly and I started Little Fires Everywhere on Hulu, and I watched To All The Boys II alone in my room.

On Sunday, I pushed my body a little further than usual; which felt good at the time, but now not so much. I watched church online, which for some reason I've been reluctant to do until I actually do it. God has been reminding me of what my faith is actually made of and pushing me to do the things I sometimes don't feel like doing. I finished four watercolor orders, which is a lot for me since I routinely procrastinate. On the subject of art, I've been working with a photographer since January on gifts for her clients. We split up the payments to make it easier financially, and the second half just came in - as if God knew I would need the reminder right about now that He will provide for me in every way.

So happy Monday, friends. Here's to little posts (written mainly for myself) to document these ~unprecedented~ times. There are good days too.

Quarantine Thoughts, Vol. IV: Six Good Things

This week has been a rollercoaster.

I feel like I experience a new emotion every single day. One moment I feel like nothing has even changed - Kelly and I make dinner each night and watch an episode of The Voice, which is what I would be doing on any given night. The next moment, I am in tears and overwhelmed by the current state of our world.

Something I've realized is that I haven't really given myself room to grieve how I've been affected over the last month.

As I write this, I'm supposed to be in Prague after having spent a few days in Paris and preparing to fly to London tomorrow. Two weeks ago, I would have been in Nashville with my friend Sarah to see our favorite artist, Ben Rector, at the Ryman. I was doing so well in my job with Disney, hoping to finally be statused within the next couple of months; but I've recently found out that I will likely be furloughed at the end of April.

In comparison to the rest of the world - those who have been laid off, those who are sick or giving their whole selves to help those who are sick, my losses have been minor. I think of athletes who have trained endlessly for their chance or my seniors who will never get this season of their lives back, and I weep for them. I keep them in the forefront of my mind to remind me of perspective.

But in doing so, I lose my ability to really feel what is going on in my heart. I have been scared, frustrated, disappointed, and discouraged all within the last couple of days. And I feel deeply guilty for feeling these things; partially because I don't know if they are justified and partially because I feel like I'm not supposed to have these emotions. As a believer, I know that we carry with us a hope that is deeper than what the world offers. I know that we will come out on the other side of this, and that God will be glorified in the mess. But does that mean I'm not allowed to feel the weight of the loss and heartbreak these circumstances bring? How do I respond with a hope that is set apart from the world while also maintaining an authenticity that says I'm also allowed to experience hard times even if I follow Jesus?

I don't have an answer to these questions yet, if there even is an answer.

And I'm honestly not trying too hard to find that answer. It's too exhausting. Some good I've been filling my time with instead include:

- Yoga. I notoriously hate exercise, but it feels good to stretch the tension in my body; and it allows me to practice control over at least one thing in my life. I've started a little routine of waking up, exercising, and eating breakfast while watching the news all before I start my work day... my mom is very proud of me, so let's hope it lasts.

- Zoom hangs with my friends, old and new.

- Art. I've actually received a consistent amount of orders recently. I can't believe I've been doing this for a whole year now, and I was honored by the number of people who wished me congratulations on the anniversary.

- Reading Bob Iger's book. I can't say enough good about this man.

- Kelly and I made a TikTok dance (is that even the right terminology?) the other day; and while it was fun and exhausting, I think it's safe to assume it will be our last.

- Tonight was spent watching my old high school Winterguard performances on Youtube. There's also an old vlog of marching season and the year we went to the Superdome; and it made me nostalgic thinking of how this was my whole world at one point. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time to tell my nerd self to treasure this season, be proud of who I am and not care so much about what other people think... But despite the cringe worthy video content, it made me smile and miss the people I grew up with.


It has been a rocky couple of days, but I'm grateful for my people who check in and support me from 5 miles up the road or 500 miles across I-10. We know things will get better. The best is always yet to come.