Lately

Hello my friends.

It has been a while since my last post, but here I am sitting in the Orlando airport with a delayed flight and an ache to be back in this familiar space. I'll be honest, I don't have much to say today but we'll see where we end up.

I've been pretty busy with miscellaneous trips and working, but I think what I really needed was a break. It's easy for me to get wrapped up in people-pleasing and "entertaining." I forget why I'm writing and who I'm writing to, and sometimes I just need to step away and breathe. Instead of writing for the one, it becomes writing what I think people want to read from me. Which is not always a bad thing in and of itself, but it is when that voice is louder or more important than the Lord's. I've spent the last few weeks trying to get alone with God and really dig in to what He has for me.

And to be honest, I'm not really sure what that is right now. It feels like I'm waiting for something, but I have no idea what. Maybe it's a word for someone or the next part of the plan for my life, I'm not really sure. But I am still asking and still waiting for Him to speak.

It is a strange comfort to know we (me and God) have been through this before. Like we have been through this season of waiting for Him to show up and come through enough times that my spirit is trained to know that I will be okay. My partnership with God is seasoned and trustworthy. It's not a question of if God will speak and provide, but when. And how? I don't want to get stuck waiting for Him to speak the same way He has before when He's looking to show me something new. It's moments like this that I am thankful to have gone through times of doubt or hardship. It is here I can look back, remember, and know He will be faithful.

One of the reasons I've been searching so desperately to hear from God is truly because of the holidays that have already arrived people!!! You see, I know myself. I know that I love all the festivities and celebrations, but I also know that I get sad very easily. I get focused on self very easily.

Recently, I read this beautiful blog post by my favorite girl Hannah Brencher on depression during the holidays. I'm linking it here. Her post does such a great job of putting into words everything I didn't know how to explain before. Don't get me wrong, I love this time of year. I love doing all the holiday things, and my desire is to spend the season thanking and celebrating my sweet Jesus. But I am also familiar with a loneliness and heaviness that is hard to shake. The extra hour of darkness we get this time of year feels like a blanket I can wrap myself in and hide away. I don't understand why it feels like a fight for joy when it should come so easily. And then I always get so mad at myself for feeling this way when I know this season isn't about me. And the more aware I am of that, the more frustrated and guilty I feel.

Sometimes I think we just need people to come along side us and remind us that we're not crazy or broken. That it's okay to feel this way, but we're not staying here. Feel all the things. Feel them deep, and then we will keep moving. 

So if you feel this struggle, please know you're not alone. It helps just knowing you're not the only one. The Enemy wants to condemn and isolate you. He makes you feel like you're crazy and that no one understands. We will not let him win. There is grace here. God sees you and sees your fight for joy, and He's proud of you. He loves you so much in spite of what you feel. 

And that's just what's been on my heart lately, people. It's a weird season of life, and it's hard not to feel like I am in the middle between the highlights of my life. There is this middle ground I think many post-grads experience, but aren't prepared for because it's never talked about. Probably because it's kind of hard. If you're not waiting for a graduation, wedding, etc., and it's hard not to wonder what's next? What am I even doing with my life? It seems like I will never stop asking that question. I don't like feeling this way, so I think I'll just work on being present. I want to look back without too much sadness, look forward without too much fear, and live in the present with a lot of hope and contentment. What does that even look like? How do I occupy the space I'm in and make the most of what God has for me now? I'm not sure yet, but it's something me and Jesus talk about on the reg.

If you have any thoughts on the middle ground, please share them with me! For now I will keep doing the things that make me feel most like myself and focusing on ways to be love and light this holiday season.