I Am Not Small

I care a lot about what people think. It’s not my best quality, and I know that. Sometimes I care too much, and I’m working on that. I can’t imagine I’m alone in feeling this way. In fact, I think most people care about what at least someone thinks of them. 

Knowing that makes me cautious with what I say and do with the dreams that live in peoples’ hearts. What an honor it is for someone to share a dream or desire with you. Our reactions, our words, our attitudes can have more weight than we realize. Are we breathing life into this person or turning off a light in them? I want to be on the side that believes in someone. Even just an eye roll or an attitude of disbelief has been enough to discourage me from doing what I really want. It’s more than just caring about the opinion of others; but fuel to the fear of failure that lives within me. 

These days I am careful who I share my dreams with. And sometimes I am guilty of minimizing my dreams for the sake of others. 

The other day, I came to the realization that I am constantly trying to make myself smaller, and not in the best way. There is a difference between humility and not stepping in to the person that God has created me to be. Humility doesn’t mean my confidence is shot. It doesn’t mean I can’t be proud of who I am, and the person I have fought to become.

God has given me a life and gifts that I should be proud of. Again, not in a boastful way, but in a way that is honorable and confident. Depending on who I’m talking to, I will alter the way I speak about my life to fit their standard for me. Why can’t I just be confident in all that God has given me stewardship over?

Slower And Quieter

It feels hard for me to write these days. 

Sometimes I feel like God is teaching me so much that it's hard to put into words. Like how to depend on Him more than yesterday, and it's hard to share what that's like in a way that is not just exclusive to me. 

Sometimes I feel discouraged because it doesn't feel like I'm learning anything from God. If I'm not learning or growing, it's hard for me not to feel like I'm stuck. I compare myself to others a lot. I want to create words that matter, and how do I share content that is not just adding to the noise on the internet? 

I keep running back to God with what feels like the same old stuff. I think that's why I feel stuck. I want God to teach me something new, and I'm mad at myself for struggling with more of the same. To be quite honest, I hate waking up and feeling the same weight as yesterday and having to settle in to the same spot where my knees have made familiar imprints at the foot of the cross. My hands release more of the same burden I just laid down yesterday, and I feel tired. 

I read something today along this topic by Hannah Brencher, who claimed that if my dependence on God is increasing each day, then that's okay. That's all I can ask for, and I've accomplished what should be my goal. I like that. Because it's true! With each time I let go of the same feelings of loneliness and insecurity and doubt, I am increasingly aware of how much I can't do this. 

It also feels good to write. I'm reminded that I am a creator. I need to write. And I don't need the applause of others to feel alive in this space. It feels good to write/create something for me, not just so others can read my words. 

My voice is my own and cannot be taken away. I should remember that more often. I find myself getting lost every once in a while in who I want to be or who others want me to be, and I forget who I am. I forget what I like and what makes me feel alive. I say yes too often, and my desires and plans merge with those around me. It's not always a bad thing... but I am still learning the art of boundaries. Thankfully Jesus doesn't forget who I am and doesn't let me forget either. He brings me back to Himself where my worth and identity is found, then He reminds me to lean in to all the things He created me to be. 

So I don't know who will read this or if anyone will. But I feel more authentically me than I have in a long time. Maybe this will be a new season for this space... something slower and quieter. A space for me and for anyone who just wants to listen.