When all of this started, I thought that I would have more time with God. Actually I do have more time, but I thought I would have more fruitful time with God.
Truthfully my spiritual life has not looked like I was expecting. I find myself pushing away from time with Him as I have all the time in the world these days. Why has my heart been resistant to something I have previously wished for more of?
I think it's been harder to spend time with God because it's just me and Him. I spend almost every hour of every day alone with Him. There's no one to hide behind - it's just us. I am forced into a new kind of intimacy with God and myself - forced to stare into all the good things and all the ugly things about myself. We uncover my truest feelings and rawest emotions. Every flaw or habit or sin is exposed without excuse. Sometimes we sit in a strange silence that I haven't fully decided if I'm comfortable in or not.
And that's fine... naturally we pull away from the uncomfortable, but I want to lean in. It's a weird season but that's just it - a season.
It's interesting how much of my thoughts and conversations with God revolve around my day to day, more specifically my interactions with other people. We talk so much about certain relationships and conversations together, and it has been a strange "recalculation" since there is less of that in current circumstances. Obviously I have not abandoned all of my relationships over the last two months, but sometimes I find myself halfway through the day having not said a single word out loud. It's just different. Do I only know God in relation to others?
I look for God in the world. That's what makes life so exciting is seeing Him at work in a place that feels hopeless and forgotten. I see Him in the creativity and brilliance of people at my job or in the beauty of a sunset, the kindness of a sales clerk. But my world has shifted to two roommates and an apartment. All of our worlds have changed, and I think it's just been harder to train my mind to see Him.
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