It's Just Us

When all of this started, I thought that I would have more time with God. Actually I do have more time, but I thought I would have more fruitful time with God.

Truthfully my spiritual life has not looked like I was expecting. I find myself pushing away from time with Him as I have all the time in the world these days. Why has my heart been resistant to something I have previously wished for more of?

I think it's been harder to spend time with God because it's just me and Him. I spend almost every hour of every day alone with Him. There's no one to hide behind - it's just us. I am forced into a new kind of intimacy with God and myself - forced to stare into all the good things and all the ugly things about myself. We uncover my truest feelings and rawest emotions. Every flaw or habit or sin is exposed without excuse. Sometimes we sit in a strange silence that I haven't fully decided if I'm comfortable in or not.

And that's fine... naturally we pull away from the uncomfortable, but I want to lean in. It's a weird season but that's just it - a season.

It's interesting how much of my thoughts and conversations with God revolve around my day to day, more specifically my interactions with other people. We talk so much about certain relationships and conversations together, and it has been a strange "recalculation" since there is less of that in current circumstances. Obviously I have not abandoned all of my relationships over the last two months, but sometimes I find myself halfway through the day having not said a single word out loud. It's just different. Do I only know God in relation to others?

I look for God in the world. That's what makes life so exciting is seeing Him at work in a place that feels hopeless and forgotten. I see Him in the creativity and brilliance of people at my job or in the beauty of a sunset, the kindness of a sales clerk. But my world has shifted to two roommates and an apartment. All of our worlds have changed, and I think it's just been harder to train my mind to see Him.

Twenty-Four

I'm 24 now.

My birthday was such a good day. I have sky high expectations for my birthday, so we normally ball out on a trip or party or staycation. I love to celebrate birthday's, not just my own. It's the one day of the year that's completely yours without any guilt. If you watch New Girl, I relate very much to Jess in her birthday episode in Season 2. She chooses to spend every birthday alone at the movies to avoid disappointment because her expectations get out of control.

I don't spend my birthday alone at the movies, but I have noticed within the last couple of years a lingering disappointment at the end of the day. And I feel the absolute worst about that because my last few birthday's have been so grand that I don't know why I would feel that way. How do you even admit that out loud?

But I've realized the reason why is that I put so much pressure on this day to be perfect and for people to tell me how loved I am, when the Lord is the only One able to truly speak that into my identity.

Given the circumstances, I knew this day would look different than planned. I spent the day before removing every expectation I had and asking God to be enough for me, because He is. He pursues and loves me every single day like it's my birthday. I want to remember that I am loved by my God and loved by my people however they choose to show it.

It turned out to be such a memorable day. This year was a good opportunity to reset and enjoy a simple celebration with my closest people. It was nice to hear from those were thinking of me and wishing for the best knowing the melancholy that can accompany cancelled or changed plans. Florida actually started their reopening Phase 1 this week, which turned out to be one of the best gifts. The day before I got to finally hug my work friends after not seeing them for over a month, and I never knew how much I would appreciate getting to sit outside at a restaurant or business.

Some highlights of my day:

- Woke up before 8AM (this always happens because I get too excited, but it's okay because I love mornings), and the roommates had decorated the apartment the night before.
- Breakfast with my roommates. Reb makes the best pancakes I've ever had, and I don't understand her ways.
- Put on real clothes for the first time in over a month.
- Reb and I spent the afternoon sitting outside with a drink at Crooked Can, which is a brewery nearby and one of our favorite places.
- Facetime'd with my college friends. I wish they could be here.
- My parents had a fruit bouquet/edible arrangement delivered, and it was honestly the most genuinely surprised I've been in a while. It's one of those things I've wanted my literal entire life, but something you want people to just know about you without telling them. Is that crazy?
- We got Chick-Fil-A for dinner and sat in the rocking chairs around the lake in Celebration. It's important to note we watched a bird try to swallow a fish that was too big for his beak for a solid 20 minutes. The bird was not successful and left the fish to die on the sidewalk, so I'd say it was not a great day for either of them.
- Spent the rest of the night with a couple of friends at our apartment - dancing, eating cookie cake (drinking), and talking about boys like it was a middle school slumber party.

It was such a fun day. I know my people went out of their way to make it special for me, and I'm so thankful. Twenty-four used to sound so old to me, but I feel like I am ripely this age. I am happy and thankful for where I'm at right now (lol unemployed), and I know I'm exactly where I'm meant to be. The best is always yet to come.

 

Things I Miss

Today was restless for me.

I woke up later than usual, which for me is 9:30am. Anytime I wake up late, it's hard for me to make good use of the day. My brain just decides that the whole day is gone already (which I realize is irrational - it's fine).

I worked out, FaceTimed a friend I haven't talked to since college just to say hi, finished painting a graduation cap, then drove to the post office to drop off a handful of orders.

There are a lot of things I miss on days like this... here's my list for today:

- getting dressed for work
- the Winter Garden Farmer's Market
- going to the movies and getting a large popcorn and coke icee
- happy hour celebrations at Ale House with my work friends
- going to church
- Mr. Kamal's dumplings at Animal Kingdom
- trying to decide if the careers of the live performers at Disney Springs are at their peak or rock bottom
- planning whatever next trip to see my family and friends from home
- golden hour at Hollywood Studios

Waiting To Resting To Dancing

Alright, I'm done with the whole Quarantine Volumes because who knows how long that could go on.

Some days I feel like I am truly thriving in this environment, finally devoting myself to creative freedom.

Some days I miss my people so much that my heart aches. I want to hug them, squeeze their hands, rest my head on their shoulder. I miss just being with them.

I found myself feeling restless earlier this evening, so I went on a drive to talk with the Lord about the heaviness in my heart. As much as I want this to end, I don't want to let precious time with God pass me by. I want to use this time that I claim to never have as wisely as I can. So much of my purpose for being and living here at WDW revolves around loving on the people that I work with. Just because we aren't in the same physical location doesn't mean my purpose is lost. Something I've been asking God for is how to love my people more creatively from afar. What does He want to say to them? Who needs to hear from God right now and how can He use me to speak it? I'm praying that even if I am not struggling, that God would burden my heart with compassion for those who are.

One strange area of peace and gratitude I have been feeling lately is in my singleness.

I always want to remember this feeling. But I won't, so I'm writing it down as proof.

I think I've resented being single my literal whole life up until about a year ago. Looking back even in my proudest moments, there was still a lingering insecurity. There was still the burning desire for a relationship so strong that I would do anything to have one. A majority of my decisions intrinsically revolved around how it would affect me relationally. My eyes roll at my past self and how ~desperate~ she was. While my heart is sad for her naïveté, it is also stronger because of it.

Loneliness paralyzed me in college, and most of the time I felt like I was going through it alone. Half of my friends either had boyfriends or fiancees or husbands. The other half didn't feel the same pressure or depth of loneliness or maybe just didn't want what I wanted as much. I wrestled with the bitter depths of heartache as everyone else got what I wanted the most. The feelings of being alone, overlooked, and forgotten were very near and very real to me.

And yet, here I am only a couple of years later - not ready to leave my days of celibacy behind so soon.

My friends from home like to matchmake me with their sig-oth's friends, and it's honestly hilarious. First of all, why is my relationship status one that needs "fixing" anyways? I'm never truly offended because it's usually just for fun, but it causes me to reflect on the general attitude toward singleness.

Second of all, I don't live in Louisiana anymore, and no one seems to take that seriously (insert upside-down smiley face). I will say, past me would have been interested in anyone or at least dreamt of the possibility. Did I mention my past self was desperate? Ya girl was willing to make anything work. But now that makes me laugh... My people from home could testify that I would have probably been voted least likely to choose her career over a boyfriend. I was so focused on getting married that the thought would never have even occurred to me in college.

For the first time, I feel like God has led me to a genuine place of dancing in my singleness. Not dragging my feet or even waiting or resting, but truer joy more and more each day. And I want to believe that genuine confidence in this season is real and not disillusioned.

I dance in this season knowing that there is purpose. In loneliness, sometimes there is no greater gift than joining hands with someone who knows exactly how you feel. Someone who is married or in a relationship is usually disqualified from this position by default... there is an inevitable change in their voice. I’m not ready for that to be me yet. I'm realizing how short the season of singleness could be relative to the rest of my life, and I know the Lord still has so much to do in and through me here.

I know I speak a lot about this topic in this space, but I want single women to carry with them an anthem - one that is authentic but vulnerable. Please by all means, face all the feelings. Kneel in the heartache and the loneliness, knowing that God is with you; but we will not be staying here forever. When you are ready, let Him show you how to rise into a place of empathy and empowerment.

Quarantine Thoughts, Vol. VI: A Fair Trade

Hiiii friends.

I hope this blog post finds you well.

...which is what every email I've sent in the last month has started with.

I have actually been doing very well despite the circumstances. Or at least better than I expected. I feared a shift in my mental health; but I have been strong, and God has been good. We've set up some really healthy habits to keep my body and mind active. In fact, I've been exercising everyday except Saturday's for the last 3 weeks! My friends laugh at me because I consistently hit a time of year when I want to be fit; so I'll try running, and it never lasts more than 3 days. I think I just needed to figure out that cardio is not for me.

While my own mental and physical health has been strong, I've been trying to be more mindful of those who are really struggling right now. In my own world, I know that cast members are having a hard time that will only continue to get harder, as many of us will be furloughed after the 18th. I know that I will be okay, but I am sad for those who truly miss making the magic of Disney. There are some who feel their whole purpose is tied to creating happiness here. I can only imagine the emptiness that many CM's are experiencing, especially our front line operations cast. It is an extraordinary honor to wear a name tag and be a part of this legacy, and it has been an emotional week knowing we will be laying down those name tags indefinitely.

But as I lay my name tag down, I will be picking up my paintbrush with enthusiasm. I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little bit excited for the chance to work full time on my business.  There are so many of my own personal ideas to create, business updates and rebranding to do. I have quite a few custom orders, some in bulk as client gifts for other small businesses. For once I am not intimidated by the number of orders I've received, knowing I now have every single day to devote to painting. When else would I get this opportunity? I believe it has to be a God-thing... As if to prove His provision, I just received enough orders to supplement my income for the first week I won't be receiving a paycheck from Disney. Like, is this for real? He doesn't have to be this good, this kind - but He is. He is Jehovah-Jireh.

Other thoughts:

- I need a haircut. Straight haired folks can't cut their own hair the same way curls can. It doesn't look as bad right now as the photo in this post makes it seem, but I'm certainly getting there.

- We have been keeping a list of all the content we've consumed while in quarantine, and the variety is honestly hilarious (from Parasite to Nicholas Sparks to Cheaper By The Dozen). I'll be sure to share the list at some point.

- I'm hoping to finish Bob Iger's book soon (when did I become such a distracted reader?) and will probably post some thoughts here once I'm done.

- Also Easter was emotional for me to no one's surprise, but I really wished I could be emotional surrounded by my church family.

Just thought I would share a short update. The month ahead might be difficult, but it will also be good.

Quarantine Thoughts, Vol. V: A Good Monday

It's the start of week FOUR.

Four weeks. A whole month of a changed world.

I'm so dramatic.

I'm feeling strong and motivated this week. The weekend was good for me. I'm finally understanding the corporate culture attitude surrounding the weekend. The classic TGIF, "How was your weekend?" ... "Oh, not long enough" exchange *insert finger guns*. Even though my weekends consist of the same four walls as my work week these days, I've never felt more of a need for rest than I do now. Everything at work is chaos. Everything changes in the matter of seconds. One of the qualms of working for such a public company is that we are consistently in the news. I can't scroll twice through social media without reading some article or speculation about what Disney is doing.

This shift in attitude toward my work is so interesting to me. Working for Disney has never been true work for me. I generally enjoy going into the office and never leave with the need to escape. And not that I think that has changed drastically, but I find myself craving more rest now that work is associated with feelings of uncertainty and instability. My eight hours a day, five days a week has never been more mentally or emotionally draining.

This weekend was very productive for me personally. The 9 in me is a better, healthier version of me in productivity. Saturday was my lazy day - I took the morning off from stretching, Kelly and I started Little Fires Everywhere on Hulu, and I watched To All The Boys II alone in my room.

On Sunday, I pushed my body a little further than usual; which felt good at the time, but now not so much. I watched church online, which for some reason I've been reluctant to do until I actually do it. God has been reminding me of what my faith is actually made of and pushing me to do the things I sometimes don't feel like doing. I finished four watercolor orders, which is a lot for me since I routinely procrastinate. On the subject of art, I've been working with a photographer since January on gifts for her clients. We split up the payments to make it easier financially, and the second half just came in - as if God knew I would need the reminder right about now that He will provide for me in every way.

So happy Monday, friends. Here's to little posts (written mainly for myself) to document these ~unprecedented~ times. There are good days too.

Quarantine Thoughts, Vol. IV: Six Good Things

This week has been a rollercoaster.

I feel like I experience a new emotion every single day. One moment I feel like nothing has even changed - Kelly and I make dinner each night and watch an episode of The Voice, which is what I would be doing on any given night. The next moment, I am in tears and overwhelmed by the current state of our world.

Something I've realized is that I haven't really given myself room to grieve how I've been affected over the last month.

As I write this, I'm supposed to be in Prague after having spent a few days in Paris and preparing to fly to London tomorrow. Two weeks ago, I would have been in Nashville with my friend Sarah to see our favorite artist, Ben Rector, at the Ryman. I was doing so well in my job with Disney, hoping to finally be statused within the next couple of months; but I've recently found out that I will likely be furloughed at the end of April.

In comparison to the rest of the world - those who have been laid off, those who are sick or giving their whole selves to help those who are sick, my losses have been minor. I think of athletes who have trained endlessly for their chance or my seniors who will never get this season of their lives back, and I weep for them. I keep them in the forefront of my mind to remind me of perspective.

But in doing so, I lose my ability to really feel what is going on in my heart. I have been scared, frustrated, disappointed, and discouraged all within the last couple of days. And I feel deeply guilty for feeling these things; partially because I don't know if they are justified and partially because I feel like I'm not supposed to have these emotions. As a believer, I know that we carry with us a hope that is deeper than what the world offers. I know that we will come out on the other side of this, and that God will be glorified in the mess. But does that mean I'm not allowed to feel the weight of the loss and heartbreak these circumstances bring? How do I respond with a hope that is set apart from the world while also maintaining an authenticity that says I'm also allowed to experience hard times even if I follow Jesus?

I don't have an answer to these questions yet, if there even is an answer.

And I'm honestly not trying too hard to find that answer. It's too exhausting. Some good I've been filling my time with instead include:

- Yoga. I notoriously hate exercise, but it feels good to stretch the tension in my body; and it allows me to practice control over at least one thing in my life. I've started a little routine of waking up, exercising, and eating breakfast while watching the news all before I start my work day... my mom is very proud of me, so let's hope it lasts.

- Zoom hangs with my friends, old and new.

- Art. I've actually received a consistent amount of orders recently. I can't believe I've been doing this for a whole year now, and I was honored by the number of people who wished me congratulations on the anniversary.

- Reading Bob Iger's book. I can't say enough good about this man.

- Kelly and I made a TikTok dance (is that even the right terminology?) the other day; and while it was fun and exhausting, I think it's safe to assume it will be our last.

- Tonight was spent watching my old high school Winterguard performances on Youtube. There's also an old vlog of marching season and the year we went to the Superdome; and it made me nostalgic thinking of how this was my whole world at one point. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time to tell my nerd self to treasure this season, be proud of who I am and not care so much about what other people think... But despite the cringe worthy video content, it made me smile and miss the people I grew up with.


It has been a rocky couple of days, but I'm grateful for my people who check in and support me from 5 miles up the road or 500 miles across I-10. We know things will get better. The best is always yet to come.

Quarantine Thoughts, Vol. III: Just Breathe

Hi, hello.

Nothing much to report here but the usual.

Wake up. Change out of sleep Nike shorts into work Nike shorts. WFH. Paint or watch movies with my roommates. Sleep and repeat.

I think it's interesting all the different thoughts swirling around on the internet these days about what to do, how to feel about quarantine. Some are shouting productivity above all else, don't lose routine or waste time. Some say screw all that, do what you want, you don't have to be any certain way in these unprecedented times.

It's all just noise to me. I think I'm choosing a nice mix of those views aka whatever feels healthiest for me. I like watching movies and consuming content regularly anyways, but I also don't want my brain to turn to mush. I like making things with my hands and being productive, but I also like naps. We are just taking it day by day as we focus more so on maintaining a healthy mind. What kinds of activities will foster an environment of peace? Do I need rest, or do I need to be creative? How does God want me to use my time today?

There are still opportunities to be intentional even from the comfort of my own home.

But to be honest, today was one of the hardest days I've had yet. I really haven't struggled much more than the average person - I have a lot of hobbies and projects, so it's not boredom that I wrestle with. The weight of hopelessness just felt a lot heavier today than usual. No one really has any more answers than I do, and it's the unknown that is haunting us all. I keep in close touch with my friends and my family, truly more than ever since we're all stuck at home. But I want to be mindful of not relying on them to be my source of peace and stability.

On Sunday, my pastor brought up a point that has given me a strange sense of comfort... it's that the fear of an upcoming economic crisis is not unwarranted. It's natural to feel fear because these are difficult and unprecedented times. This justifies our fear, but doesn't give us an excuse. When we feel fear, we are not overestimating the magnitude of our situation, but holding on to an inaccurate view of our God. 

I was almost in tears listening to this, because I'm crazy and think about my company and the economy every single day... and I just felt this weight/pressure to be okay lift from my shoulders. As a believer, I think it's sometimes hard to let ourselves deal with everything we truly feel because we cover it with what we should feel. Hearing my pastor give us room to feel fear, then give it to Jesus was the moment I needed to just breathe.

How sweet is it that Jesus extends that grace to us - to just breathe?

Welp, that about sums up my Thursday night quarantine thoughts. Here's to a better tomorrow. This weekend find me reading Bob Iger's book, rewatching Brooklyn Nine-Nine episodes, going on wellness walks around Celebration (6 feet apart), and continuing to check in on my people :)

Quarantine Thoughts, Vol. II: La La Land

Dear Quarantine Diary,

Today we watched La La Land, and I honestly forgot how much I like this movie. I'm pretty sure I only saw it once in theaters, but it's the artsy, abstract, dare I say ~melancholic~ type of film that I usually enjoy. There were a lot of thoughts swirling around as I watched; and since I have some extra time on my hands, here's the review no one asked for.

It seems the older I've gotten, the more I understand the depth of this movie's sadness. It wasn't until the past year or two that I fell in love with different dreams that God has placed on my heart... so watching this now I have a better grasp of what it means to love a dream more than a person. I couldn't understand how Mia and Seb could let each other go so easily if they loved each other. Shouldn't that have made everything okay? Shouldn't their lives have shifted to revolve around each other? Or at least wouldn't their own dreams pale in light of the love that they have?

Truthfully that's what I would have thought up until the last year or so.

But as God has led me to new dreams and visions for myself outside the realm of romance, I think I get it. As I grow in my independence and passion for my life, I don't know how easy it would be to let all that go for a person - even if what I felt for them was strong. I hear Mia and Seb's arguments and feel the conflicting directions their hearts are being pulled. I know what it means to let someone go with love still lingering in your heart.

And of course the movie ends with a gentle "what could have been" alternate reality, even though we see that Mia and Seb live full and happy lives apart from from each other. To me, the most heartbreaking part of that ending is not that they aren't together (spoiler alert); but that they have each gotten what they wanted out of life, and that it's good. Even though what they had was beautiful, they are okay without each other.

It's not like I even think the desire to pursue their own dreams outweighed their love for each other. In fact, I think they loved each other so much that they were willing to let go. Isn't that what brave love looks like? To let a person go in pursuit of their happiness, their dreams even if that doesn't include you. It's hard to love someone that open handedly. My natural instinct is to do the opposite and act out of a scarcity mentality. 

Honest thoughts - I used to think if it was the right person, I would do anything for them. I would sacrifice everything to be with them. But as I lean into what God has set before me, it just goes back to being purposed for so much more. And I trust Him more than ever to bring in someone who aligns with that purpose/vision. Man oh man, what a relief it is to surrender something that should cause me crippling anxiety to a God who's always got my back :) 

Quarantine Thoughts

Is it weird to say that I'm enjoying my quarantine life?

Probably not since I love being home so much (but in all actuality, I think many would say I'm pretty social). Also, I'm not actually quarantined, just working from home like most these days.

I've swung through every possible mood/emotion you could possibly have in these ~unprecedented~ times. Apathy to anxiety to denial to panic. I find myself needing to dial in to a reality check. A truth check, if you will.

1. That this will not last forever. The world will not always be like this. It will be changed, yes - but we will return to a normal eventually.

2. That God has not abandoned us. He is not surprised by this pandemic, and He is with us even now.

I hit the stage of fear today. I had been looking toward news articles, social media posts, opinions of other people to bring me a sense of comfort. I wanted these people to tell me it would be okay, but they only left me feeling more restless than ever.

The world is shutting down. Our economy is shutting down... what does this mean for my job? I felt fear creep in and grip my heart, and I quickly wandered down the rabbit hole of worse case scenarios. If I lost my job, could I get another one? What if I couldn't find one in Orlando, how would I live? How long would my parents help me? How long before I had to move home to Louisiana? What would I do in Louisiana, where would I work? What if I could come back to Disney, how long until they brought me back? Would I be able to move back just like that?

That's what my brain looked like today before we stopped and sat down for a nice long talk with Jesus.

As I began explaining my anxieties to Him, I could already start to feel the weight of their untruth be lifted from me. At the root of all those questions was the fear that God was not looking out for me. That He would not provide for me and that our master plan was ruined.

Those are lies from the Enemy, and I know that. I don't truly believe those things. Maybe I am naive or attempting to numb myself into feeling okay... or maybe the Lord is already reassuring me that this is not the end. I know He has cast vision for my life, and I know that He will provide for me, whatever that looks like. He has brought me so far, and it's hard for me not to believe He will be faithful to complete the good work He has begun in me.

I don't want to be another voice adding to the fear and chaos of this world. It's so easy to look inward and focus on what this means for me and my life, but that's not what's needed right now. I think Jesus is asking us to be His hands and feet here. He is asking us to look to Him and walk with a steadiness that is contradictory to the current state of the world. He is asking us to use our voices to speak light and peace in a season of uncertainty.

As believers, we cannot be voices that add to the chaos. We just can't. There's truly no reason for us to be. I know there will be challenges and hardship ahead - being a believer doesn't excuse us from that. But we will be okay because God is with us and within us. That alone is enough to bring us peace. He is enough.

There's a lot swirling around on the internet these days, and I hesitated to add to it... but this has been my official statement of hope. Let's not give in to the fear, friends. It's so easy if we're looking to anyone or anything else but Jesus to quiet our hearts. He's still with us. He will always be our greatest Hope as we continue to pray for healing to our earth.

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." - John 14:27

The Cliff

It's a very special thing to feel how much God loves His people.

There are certain people on this earth I just know that God loves a lot. Yes - He loves everyone. But in my life, I have felt an extraordinary pull toward specific people that I know He just loves. He wants them. They are special and gifted and would be the absolute best version of themselves with Him.

I swing back and forth between excitement and anxiety for these friends... Sometimes I feel like we are on the verge of something grand and miraculous. I have this vision they are on the edge of a cliff, so close to stepping off and free-falling into God's grace. And other times I feel like I see them take two steps back from the edge. More than two steps. Sometimes it feels like they are miles away. 

Sometimes I wish I could just push them off the cliff myself, you know?

But here the Lord reminds me of His gentleness and patience. And how completely not up to me it is to compel them to believe there is Someone to catch them once they fall. So we walk them back to the edge, praying they are even closer than before. 

When they turn and run in fear - we walk them back. When the world distracts them - we walk them back. When they have nothing left and are crying out for something more from this life - we walk them back. 

Love is patient. I always thought of that phrase in terms of patiently waiting for your roommate to get ready when you were ready an hour ago, but somehow I don't think that's all that the Lord meant it to mean.

I'm learning that love is patient - whether that's romantic or platonic - for its season.  

That's hard. And yet the Lord is never anxious, always patient for the day each of His children come back to Him. I want to be more like Him. With each step I take, each hand I hold - I pray it would be filled with more grace and gentleness and patience than before.

Here To Teach

One of my favorite parts of living here is the fact that I get to see friends/family on vacation that I don't normally get to see.

Some childhood friends were visiting this past week, and I got to see them again for the first time since I was literally sixteen years old. It's so sweet to spend time with the people who are old friends. I know what house they grew up in, and they knew me during my emo teenybopper phase. They brought with them the feeling of home, and it reminded me of where I came from.

I had a conversation with one of the boys I was closest to growing up basically about how I "made it" and how I have my life together. It made me sad and honestly kind of uncomfortable to think about how people could look at my life and only see the "perfect" parts. The life I have is not my own, and ya girl fought long and hard to get here. 

Our conversations made me think about how fortunate I am to do what I love... but I am no one special. Not to be corny as all get out, but I think anyone can achieve a dream if they are brave enough to pursue it. I wrestle with the fact that so many people will settle for something less than they are capable and deserving of. 

But the question was how? How did I get here?

And I found myself trying to articulate my story with God and all that we've been through.

My prayer lately has been for the Lord to lift my eyes higher than myself. I want to be moved by the brokenness around me. I don't want to be okay with the coping mechanisms and means of fulfillment that are the surrounding normal.

God has been faithful in my life, and I want that to be evident more than the "perfect" dream life that I appear to have. In response to my prayers lately, He has been so good in reminding me of why I'm here - even in my brief conversations with an old friend.

I think most people are looking for something to believe in, whether that's in themselves, in happiness, in doing good - that's why so many of my friends have found their way to the Happiest Place On Earth. And I know I'm here to teach others how to hear from God. How to ask Him for things and look for Him in the everyday. How to listen to what He's saying and believe that He will do what He says He will.

I take it for granted, you know? Hearing from God is something I practice daily, but I forget that it first had to be taught to me. We don't come out the womb knowing what it's like to discern God's voice... It's a muscle that has been exercised over time. Where would I be without the voice of God in my life? To think about that is heartbreaking and pushes me forward in the pursuit of the lost.

I know I will endure seasons of mediocrity or just regular smegular life, but I'm thankful for the moments that God reminds me of His heart for me and those around me. I'm praying for more of those big picture moments.

Little Thoughts

Hi friends.

I hope the new year has been kind so far. Mine has been slow, and I don't really know how to handle that. The last several months have been me pushing myself to exhaustion.

Just a few thoughts/updates I've had recently:

- Am I still a writer? If I read back on my posts from college, I feel like those were some of my favorite words. And I don't - can't - write like that anymore. What is the difference? Why can't I go back to that?

I wanted to write a book at one point in my life. I loved writing words that meant something to people... the kind that were written on their hearts before they even knew how to speak them aloud. What if my best work is in the past?

- A lot of my friends are on the dating apps, and this fascinates me. I guess I live under a rock and didn't realize they were so popular? Does it vary by location? I'm always asking questions because I just like to see how they work and the psychology behind connections made through an app. I'm not to that point yet as I still hope and believe in my ability to meet someone organically, but I'm open to it. It's just fun to spectate for now.

- One of my new year's resolutions is to chronologically read through the Bible in a year (tentatively). I'm in Genesis now of course, and it's been an unexpected challenge getting to know the God of the Old Testament. I didn't expect to wrestle with the feeling that I don't even know this guy... is this the same God I know and love? How do I learn to love and worship God for who He really is and not who I have made Him to be?

It's been good for me though because as I read through stories I don't really understand, it's an opportunity for me to go deeper. I've been keeping a journal with blurbs about what is significant to me and the new things I've learned from stories I've heard a thousand times.

- Today I was reminded that Jesus is still and always the best part about me.

The new year has not gone as I expected... nothing terribly wrong or unusual has happened, but I've felt a sort of numbness as I go through each day. Each day feels like I'm just passing through, and sometimes I feel like a shell of myself. How do I even explain?

But even though I am not, God is still good. He is still going before and behind and with me.

He is the only good that others see in me, and that's strangely comforting for someone who often looks to others to affirm who she is or what she means to them. I am still me, I am still worthy even when no one tells me so because He is my worth. He told me who I was before anyone else ever did.


Well that's all for this edition of little thoughts, folks. Stay tuned for the next round of what's going through my head.