I hope the new year has been kind so far. Mine has been slow, and I don't really know how to handle that. The last several months have been me pushing myself to exhaustion.
Just a few thoughts/updates I've had recently:
- Am I still a writer? If I read back on my posts from college, I feel like those were some of my favorite words. And I don't - can't - write like that anymore. What is the difference? Why can't I go back to that?
I wanted to write a book at one point in my life. I loved writing words that meant something to people... the kind that were written on their hearts before they even knew how to speak them aloud. What if my best work is in the past?
- A lot of my friends are on the dating apps, and this fascinates me. I guess I live under a rock and didn't realize they were so popular? Does it vary by location? I'm always asking questions because I just like to see how they work and the psychology behind connections made through an app. I'm not to that point yet as I still hope and believe in my ability to meet someone organically, but I'm open to it. It's just fun to spectate for now.
- One of my new year's resolutions is to chronologically read through the Bible in a year (tentatively). I'm in Genesis now of course, and it's been an unexpected challenge getting to know the God of the Old Testament. I didn't expect to wrestle with the feeling that I don't even know this guy... is this the same God I know and love? How do I learn to love and worship God for who He really is and not who I have made Him to be?
It's been good for me though because as I read through stories I don't really understand, it's an opportunity for me to go deeper. I've been keeping a journal with blurbs about what is significant to me and the new things I've learned from stories I've heard a thousand times.
- Today I was reminded that Jesus is still and always the best part about me.
The new year has not gone as I expected... nothing terribly wrong or unusual has happened, but I've felt a sort of numbness as I go through each day. Each day feels like I'm just passing through, and sometimes I feel like a shell of myself. How do I even explain?
But even though I am not, God is still good. He is still going before and behind and with me.
He is the only good that others see in me, and that's strangely comforting for someone who often looks to others to affirm who she is or what she means to them. I am still me, I am still worthy even when no one tells me so because He is my worth. He told me who I was before anyone else ever did.
Well that's all for this edition of little thoughts, folks. Stay tuned for the next round of what's going through my head.
