It's Just Us

When all of this started, I thought that I would have more time with God. Actually I do have more time, but I thought I would have more fruitful time with God.

Truthfully my spiritual life has not looked like I was expecting. I find myself pushing away from time with Him as I have all the time in the world these days. Why has my heart been resistant to something I have previously wished for more of?

I think it's been harder to spend time with God because it's just me and Him. I spend almost every hour of every day alone with Him. There's no one to hide behind - it's just us. I am forced into a new kind of intimacy with God and myself - forced to stare into all the good things and all the ugly things about myself. We uncover my truest feelings and rawest emotions. Every flaw or habit or sin is exposed without excuse. Sometimes we sit in a strange silence that I haven't fully decided if I'm comfortable in or not.

And that's fine... naturally we pull away from the uncomfortable, but I want to lean in. It's a weird season but that's just it - a season.

It's interesting how much of my thoughts and conversations with God revolve around my day to day, more specifically my interactions with other people. We talk so much about certain relationships and conversations together, and it has been a strange "recalculation" since there is less of that in current circumstances. Obviously I have not abandoned all of my relationships over the last two months, but sometimes I find myself halfway through the day having not said a single word out loud. It's just different. Do I only know God in relation to others?

I look for God in the world. That's what makes life so exciting is seeing Him at work in a place that feels hopeless and forgotten. I see Him in the creativity and brilliance of people at my job or in the beauty of a sunset, the kindness of a sales clerk. But my world has shifted to two roommates and an apartment. All of our worlds have changed, and I think it's just been harder to train my mind to see Him.

Twenty-Four

I'm 24 now.

My birthday was such a good day. I have sky high expectations for my birthday, so we normally ball out on a trip or party or staycation. I love to celebrate birthday's, not just my own. It's the one day of the year that's completely yours without any guilt. If you watch New Girl, I relate very much to Jess in her birthday episode in Season 2. She chooses to spend every birthday alone at the movies to avoid disappointment because her expectations get out of control.

I don't spend my birthday alone at the movies, but I have noticed within the last couple of years a lingering disappointment at the end of the day. And I feel the absolute worst about that because my last few birthday's have been so grand that I don't know why I would feel that way. How do you even admit that out loud?

But I've realized the reason why is that I put so much pressure on this day to be perfect and for people to tell me how loved I am, when the Lord is the only One able to truly speak that into my identity.

Given the circumstances, I knew this day would look different than planned. I spent the day before removing every expectation I had and asking God to be enough for me, because He is. He pursues and loves me every single day like it's my birthday. I want to remember that I am loved by my God and loved by my people however they choose to show it.

It turned out to be such a memorable day. This year was a good opportunity to reset and enjoy a simple celebration with my closest people. It was nice to hear from those were thinking of me and wishing for the best knowing the melancholy that can accompany cancelled or changed plans. Florida actually started their reopening Phase 1 this week, which turned out to be one of the best gifts. The day before I got to finally hug my work friends after not seeing them for over a month, and I never knew how much I would appreciate getting to sit outside at a restaurant or business.

Some highlights of my day:

- Woke up before 8AM (this always happens because I get too excited, but it's okay because I love mornings), and the roommates had decorated the apartment the night before.
- Breakfast with my roommates. Reb makes the best pancakes I've ever had, and I don't understand her ways.
- Put on real clothes for the first time in over a month.
- Reb and I spent the afternoon sitting outside with a drink at Crooked Can, which is a brewery nearby and one of our favorite places.
- Facetime'd with my college friends. I wish they could be here.
- My parents had a fruit bouquet/edible arrangement delivered, and it was honestly the most genuinely surprised I've been in a while. It's one of those things I've wanted my literal entire life, but something you want people to just know about you without telling them. Is that crazy?
- We got Chick-Fil-A for dinner and sat in the rocking chairs around the lake in Celebration. It's important to note we watched a bird try to swallow a fish that was too big for his beak for a solid 20 minutes. The bird was not successful and left the fish to die on the sidewalk, so I'd say it was not a great day for either of them.
- Spent the rest of the night with a couple of friends at our apartment - dancing, eating cookie cake (drinking), and talking about boys like it was a middle school slumber party.

It was such a fun day. I know my people went out of their way to make it special for me, and I'm so thankful. Twenty-four used to sound so old to me, but I feel like I am ripely this age. I am happy and thankful for where I'm at right now (lol unemployed), and I know I'm exactly where I'm meant to be. The best is always yet to come.

 

Things I Miss

Today was restless for me.

I woke up later than usual, which for me is 9:30am. Anytime I wake up late, it's hard for me to make good use of the day. My brain just decides that the whole day is gone already (which I realize is irrational - it's fine).

I worked out, FaceTimed a friend I haven't talked to since college just to say hi, finished painting a graduation cap, then drove to the post office to drop off a handful of orders.

There are a lot of things I miss on days like this... here's my list for today:

- getting dressed for work
- the Winter Garden Farmer's Market
- going to the movies and getting a large popcorn and coke icee
- happy hour celebrations at Ale House with my work friends
- going to church
- Mr. Kamal's dumplings at Animal Kingdom
- trying to decide if the careers of the live performers at Disney Springs are at their peak or rock bottom
- planning whatever next trip to see my family and friends from home
- golden hour at Hollywood Studios

Waiting To Resting To Dancing

Alright, I'm done with the whole Quarantine Volumes because who knows how long that could go on.

Some days I feel like I am truly thriving in this environment, finally devoting myself to creative freedom.

Some days I miss my people so much that my heart aches. I want to hug them, squeeze their hands, rest my head on their shoulder. I miss just being with them.

I found myself feeling restless earlier this evening, so I went on a drive to talk with the Lord about the heaviness in my heart. As much as I want this to end, I don't want to let precious time with God pass me by. I want to use this time that I claim to never have as wisely as I can. So much of my purpose for being and living here at WDW revolves around loving on the people that I work with. Just because we aren't in the same physical location doesn't mean my purpose is lost. Something I've been asking God for is how to love my people more creatively from afar. What does He want to say to them? Who needs to hear from God right now and how can He use me to speak it? I'm praying that even if I am not struggling, that God would burden my heart with compassion for those who are.

One strange area of peace and gratitude I have been feeling lately is in my singleness.

I always want to remember this feeling. But I won't, so I'm writing it down as proof.

I think I've resented being single my literal whole life up until about a year ago. Looking back even in my proudest moments, there was still a lingering insecurity. There was still the burning desire for a relationship so strong that I would do anything to have one. A majority of my decisions intrinsically revolved around how it would affect me relationally. My eyes roll at my past self and how ~desperate~ she was. While my heart is sad for her naïveté, it is also stronger because of it.

Loneliness paralyzed me in college, and most of the time I felt like I was going through it alone. Half of my friends either had boyfriends or fiancees or husbands. The other half didn't feel the same pressure or depth of loneliness or maybe just didn't want what I wanted as much. I wrestled with the bitter depths of heartache as everyone else got what I wanted the most. The feelings of being alone, overlooked, and forgotten were very near and very real to me.

And yet, here I am only a couple of years later - not ready to leave my days of celibacy behind so soon.

My friends from home like to matchmake me with their sig-oth's friends, and it's honestly hilarious. First of all, why is my relationship status one that needs "fixing" anyways? I'm never truly offended because it's usually just for fun, but it causes me to reflect on the general attitude toward singleness.

Second of all, I don't live in Louisiana anymore, and no one seems to take that seriously (insert upside-down smiley face). I will say, past me would have been interested in anyone or at least dreamt of the possibility. Did I mention my past self was desperate? Ya girl was willing to make anything work. But now that makes me laugh... My people from home could testify that I would have probably been voted least likely to choose her career over a boyfriend. I was so focused on getting married that the thought would never have even occurred to me in college.

For the first time, I feel like God has led me to a genuine place of dancing in my singleness. Not dragging my feet or even waiting or resting, but truer joy more and more each day. And I want to believe that genuine confidence in this season is real and not disillusioned.

I dance in this season knowing that there is purpose. In loneliness, sometimes there is no greater gift than joining hands with someone who knows exactly how you feel. Someone who is married or in a relationship is usually disqualified from this position by default... there is an inevitable change in their voice. I’m not ready for that to be me yet. I'm realizing how short the season of singleness could be relative to the rest of my life, and I know the Lord still has so much to do in and through me here.

I know I speak a lot about this topic in this space, but I want single women to carry with them an anthem - one that is authentic but vulnerable. Please by all means, face all the feelings. Kneel in the heartache and the loneliness, knowing that God is with you; but we will not be staying here forever. When you are ready, let Him show you how to rise into a place of empathy and empowerment.