The Cliff

It's a very special thing to feel how much God loves His people.

There are certain people on this earth I just know that God loves a lot. Yes - He loves everyone. But in my life, I have felt an extraordinary pull toward specific people that I know He just loves. He wants them. They are special and gifted and would be the absolute best version of themselves with Him.

I swing back and forth between excitement and anxiety for these friends... Sometimes I feel like we are on the verge of something grand and miraculous. I have this vision they are on the edge of a cliff, so close to stepping off and free-falling into God's grace. And other times I feel like I see them take two steps back from the edge. More than two steps. Sometimes it feels like they are miles away. 

Sometimes I wish I could just push them off the cliff myself, you know?

But here the Lord reminds me of His gentleness and patience. And how completely not up to me it is to compel them to believe there is Someone to catch them once they fall. So we walk them back to the edge, praying they are even closer than before. 

When they turn and run in fear - we walk them back. When the world distracts them - we walk them back. When they have nothing left and are crying out for something more from this life - we walk them back. 

Love is patient. I always thought of that phrase in terms of patiently waiting for your roommate to get ready when you were ready an hour ago, but somehow I don't think that's all that the Lord meant it to mean.

I'm learning that love is patient - whether that's romantic or platonic - for its season.  

That's hard. And yet the Lord is never anxious, always patient for the day each of His children come back to Him. I want to be more like Him. With each step I take, each hand I hold - I pray it would be filled with more grace and gentleness and patience than before.

Here To Teach

One of my favorite parts of living here is the fact that I get to see friends/family on vacation that I don't normally get to see.

Some childhood friends were visiting this past week, and I got to see them again for the first time since I was literally sixteen years old. It's so sweet to spend time with the people who are old friends. I know what house they grew up in, and they knew me during my emo teenybopper phase. They brought with them the feeling of home, and it reminded me of where I came from.

I had a conversation with one of the boys I was closest to growing up basically about how I "made it" and how I have my life together. It made me sad and honestly kind of uncomfortable to think about how people could look at my life and only see the "perfect" parts. The life I have is not my own, and ya girl fought long and hard to get here. 

Our conversations made me think about how fortunate I am to do what I love... but I am no one special. Not to be corny as all get out, but I think anyone can achieve a dream if they are brave enough to pursue it. I wrestle with the fact that so many people will settle for something less than they are capable and deserving of. 

But the question was how? How did I get here?

And I found myself trying to articulate my story with God and all that we've been through.

My prayer lately has been for the Lord to lift my eyes higher than myself. I want to be moved by the brokenness around me. I don't want to be okay with the coping mechanisms and means of fulfillment that are the surrounding normal.

God has been faithful in my life, and I want that to be evident more than the "perfect" dream life that I appear to have. In response to my prayers lately, He has been so good in reminding me of why I'm here - even in my brief conversations with an old friend.

I think most people are looking for something to believe in, whether that's in themselves, in happiness, in doing good - that's why so many of my friends have found their way to the Happiest Place On Earth. And I know I'm here to teach others how to hear from God. How to ask Him for things and look for Him in the everyday. How to listen to what He's saying and believe that He will do what He says He will.

I take it for granted, you know? Hearing from God is something I practice daily, but I forget that it first had to be taught to me. We don't come out the womb knowing what it's like to discern God's voice... It's a muscle that has been exercised over time. Where would I be without the voice of God in my life? To think about that is heartbreaking and pushes me forward in the pursuit of the lost.

I know I will endure seasons of mediocrity or just regular smegular life, but I'm thankful for the moments that God reminds me of His heart for me and those around me. I'm praying for more of those big picture moments.