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Waiting To Resting To Dancing

Alright, I'm done with the whole Quarantine Volumes because who knows how long that could go on.

Some days I feel like I am truly thriving in this environment, finally devoting myself to creative freedom.

Some days I miss my people so much that my heart aches. I want to hug them, squeeze their hands, rest my head on their shoulder. I miss just being with them.

I found myself feeling restless earlier this evening, so I went on a drive to talk with the Lord about the heaviness in my heart. As much as I want this to end, I don't want to let precious time with God pass me by. I want to use this time that I claim to never have as wisely as I can. So much of my purpose for being and living here at WDW revolves around loving on the people that I work with. Just because we aren't in the same physical location doesn't mean my purpose is lost. Something I've been asking God for is how to love my people more creatively from afar. What does He want to say to them? Who needs to hear from God right now and how can He use me to speak it? I'm praying that even if I am not struggling, that God would burden my heart with compassion for those who are.

One strange area of peace and gratitude I have been feeling lately is in my singleness.

I always want to remember this feeling. But I won't, so I'm writing it down as proof.

I think I've resented being single my literal whole life up until about a year ago. Looking back even in my proudest moments, there was still a lingering insecurity. There was still the burning desire for a relationship so strong that I would do anything to have one. A majority of my decisions intrinsically revolved around how it would affect me relationally. My eyes roll at my past self and how ~desperate~ she was. While my heart is sad for her naïveté, it is also stronger because of it.

Loneliness paralyzed me in college, and most of the time I felt like I was going through it alone. Half of my friends either had boyfriends or fiancees or husbands. The other half didn't feel the same pressure or depth of loneliness or maybe just didn't want what I wanted as much. I wrestled with the bitter depths of heartache as everyone else got what I wanted the most. The feelings of being alone, overlooked, and forgotten were very near and very real to me.

And yet, here I am only a couple of years later - not ready to leave my days of celibacy behind so soon.

My friends from home like to matchmake me with their sig-oth's friends, and it's honestly hilarious. First of all, why is my relationship status one that needs "fixing" anyways? I'm never truly offended because it's usually just for fun, but it causes me to reflect on the general attitude toward singleness.

Second of all, I don't live in Louisiana anymore, and no one seems to take that seriously (insert upside-down smiley face). I will say, past me would have been interested in anyone or at least dreamt of the possibility. Did I mention my past self was desperate? Ya girl was willing to make anything work. But now that makes me laugh... My people from home could testify that I would have probably been voted least likely to choose her career over a boyfriend. I was so focused on getting married that the thought would never have even occurred to me in college.

For the first time, I feel like God has led me to a genuine place of dancing in my singleness. Not dragging my feet or even waiting or resting, but truer joy more and more each day. And I want to believe that genuine confidence in this season is real and not disillusioned.

I dance in this season knowing that there is purpose. In loneliness, sometimes there is no greater gift than joining hands with someone who knows exactly how you feel. Someone who is married or in a relationship is usually disqualified from this position by default... there is an inevitable change in their voice. I’m not ready for that to be me yet. I'm realizing how short the season of singleness could be relative to the rest of my life, and I know the Lord still has so much to do in and through me here.

I know I speak a lot about this topic in this space, but I want single women to carry with them an anthem - one that is authentic but vulnerable. Please by all means, face all the feelings. Kneel in the heartache and the loneliness, knowing that God is with you; but we will not be staying here forever. When you are ready, let Him show you how to rise into a place of empathy and empowerment.

Quarantine Thoughts, Vol. VI: A Fair Trade


Hiiii friends.

I hope this blog post finds you well.

...which is what every email I've sent in the last month has started with.

I have actually been doing very well despite the circumstances. Or at least better than I expected. I feared a shift in my mental health; but I have been strong, and God has been good. We've set up some really healthy habits to keep my body and mind active. In fact, I've been exercising everyday except Saturday's for the last 3 weeks! My friends laugh at me because I consistently hit a time of year when I want to be fit; so I'll try running, and it never lasts more than 3 days. I think I just needed to figure out that cardio is not for me.

While my own mental and physical health has been strong, I've been trying to be more mindful of those who are really struggling right now. In my own world, I know that cast members are having a hard time that will only continue to get harder, as many of us will be furloughed after the 18th. I know that I will be okay, but I am sad for those who truly miss making the magic of Disney. There are some who feel their whole purpose is tied to creating happiness here. I can only imagine the emptiness that many CM's are experiencing, especially our front line operations cast. It is an extraordinary honor to wear a name tag and be a part of this legacy, and it has been an emotional week knowing we will be laying down those name tags indefinitely.

But as I lay my name tag down, I will be picking up my paintbrush with enthusiasm. I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little bit excited for the chance to work full time on my business.  There are so many of my own personal ideas to create, business updates and rebranding to do. I have quite a few custom orders, some in bulk as client gifts for other small businesses. For once I am not intimidated by the number of orders I've received, knowing I now have every single day to devote to painting. When else would I get this opportunity? I believe it has to be a God-thing... As if to prove His provision, I just received enough orders to supplement my income for the first week I won't be receiving a paycheck from Disney. Like, is this for real? He doesn't have to be this good, this kind - but He is. He is Jehovah-Jireh.

Other thoughts:

- I need a haircut. Straight haired folks can't cut their own hair the same way curls can. It doesn't look as bad right now as the photo in this post makes it seem, but I'm certainly getting there.

- We have been keeping a list of all the content we've consumed while in quarantine, and the variety is honestly hilarious (from Parasite to Nicholas Sparks to Cheaper By The Dozen). I'll be sure to share the list at some point.

- I'm hoping to finish Bob Iger's book soon (when did I become such a distracted reader?) and will probably post some thoughts here once I'm done.

- Also Easter was emotional for me to no one's surprise, but I really wished I could be emotional surrounded by my church family.

Just thought I would share a short update. The month ahead might be difficult, but it will also be good.

Quarantine Thoughts, Vol. V: A Good Monday


It's the start of week FOUR.

Four weeks. A whole month of a changed world.

I'm so dramatic.

I'm feeling strong and motivated this week. The weekend was good for me. I'm finally understanding the corporate culture attitude surrounding the weekend. The classic TGIF, "How was your weekend?" ... "Oh, not long enough" exchange *insert finger guns*. Even though my weekends consist of the same four walls as my work week these days, I've never felt more of a need for rest than I do now. Everything at work is chaos. Everything changes in the matter of seconds. One of the qualms of working for such a public company is that we are consistently in the news. I can't scroll twice through social media without reading some article or speculation about what Disney is doing.

This shift in attitude toward my work is so interesting to me. Working for Disney has never been true work for me. I generally enjoy going into the office and never leave with the need to escape. And not that I think that has changed drastically, but I find myself craving more rest now that work is associated with feelings of uncertainty and instability. My eight hours a day, five days a week has never been more mentally or emotionally draining.

This weekend was very productive for me personally. The 9 in me is a better, healthier version of me in productivity. Saturday was my lazy day - I took the morning off from stretching, Kelly and I started Little Fires Everywhere on Hulu, and I watched To All The Boys II alone in my room.

On Sunday, I pushed my body a little further than usual; which felt good at the time, but now not so much. I watched church online, which for some reason I've been reluctant to do until I actually do it. God has been reminding me of what my faith is actually made of and pushing me to do the things I sometimes don't feel like doing. I finished four watercolor orders, which is a lot for me since I routinely procrastinate. On the subject of art, I've been working with a photographer since January on gifts for her clients. We split up the payments to make it easier financially, and the second half just came in - as if God knew I would need the reminder right about now that He will provide for me in every way.

So happy Monday, friends. Here's to little posts (written mainly for myself) to document these ~unprecedented~ times. There are good days too.

Quarantine Thoughts, Vol. IV: Six Good Things


This week has been a rollercoaster.

I feel like I experience a new emotion every single day. One moment I feel like nothing has even changed - Kelly and I make dinner each night and watch an episode of The Voice, which is what I would be doing on any given night. The next moment, I am in tears and overwhelmed by the current state of our world.

Something I've realized is that I haven't really given myself room to grieve how I've been affected over the last month.

As I write this, I'm supposed to be in Prague after having spent a few days in Paris and preparing to fly to London tomorrow. Two weeks ago, I would have been in Nashville with my friend Sarah to see our favorite artist, Ben Rector, at the Ryman. I was doing so well in my job with Disney, hoping to finally be statused within the next couple of months; but I've recently found out that I will likely be furloughed at the end of April.

In comparison to the rest of the world - those who have been laid off, those who are sick or giving their whole selves to help those who are sick, my losses have been minor. I think of athletes who have trained endlessly for their chance or my seniors who will never get this season of their lives back, and I weep for them. I keep them in the forefront of my mind to remind me of perspective.

But in doing so, I lose my ability to really feel what is going on in my heart. I have been scared, frustrated, disappointed, and discouraged all within the last couple of days. And I feel deeply guilty for feeling these things; partially because I don't know if they are justified and partially because I feel like I'm not supposed to have these emotions. As a believer, I know that we carry with us a hope that is deeper than what the world offers. I know that we will come out on the other side of this, and that God will be glorified in the mess. But does that mean I'm not allowed to feel the weight of the loss and heartbreak these circumstances bring? How do I respond with a hope that is set apart from the world while also maintaining an authenticity that says I'm also allowed to experience hard times even if I follow Jesus?

I don't have an answer to these questions yet, if there even is an answer.

And I'm honestly not trying too hard to find that answer. It's too exhausting. Some good I've been filling my time with instead include:

- Yoga. I notoriously hate exercise, but it feels good to stretch the tension in my body; and it allows me to practice control over at least one thing in my life. I've started a little routine of waking up, exercising, and eating breakfast while watching the news all before I start my work day... my mom is very proud of me, so let's hope it lasts.

- Zoom hangs with my friends, old and new.

- Art. I've actually received a consistent amount of orders recently. I can't believe I've been doing this for a whole year now, and I was honored by the number of people who wished me congratulations on the anniversary.

- Reading Bob Iger's book. I can't say enough good about this man.

- Kelly and I made a TikTok dance (is that even the right terminology?) the other day; and while it was fun and exhausting, I think it's safe to assume it will be our last.

- Tonight was spent watching my old high school Winterguard performances on Youtube. There's also an old vlog of marching season and the year we went to the Superdome; and it made me nostalgic thinking of how this was my whole world at one point. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time to tell my nerd self to treasure this season, be proud of who I am and not care so much about what other people think... But despite the cringe worthy video content, it made me smile and miss the people I grew up with.


It has been a rocky couple of days, but I'm grateful for my people who check in and support me from 5 miles up the road or 500 miles across I-10. We know things will get better. The best is always yet to come.

Quarantine Thoughts, Vol. III: Just Breathe

Hi, hello.

Nothing much to report here but the usual.

Wake up. Change out of sleep Nike shorts into work Nike shorts. WFH. Paint or watch movies with my roommates. Sleep and repeat.

I think it's interesting all the different thoughts swirling around on the internet these days about what to do, how to feel about quarantine. Some are shouting productivity above all else, don't lose routine or waste time. Some say screw all that, do what you want, you don't have to be any certain way in these unprecedented times.

It's all just noise to me. I think I'm choosing a nice mix of those views aka whatever feels healthiest for me. I like watching movies and consuming content regularly anyways, but I also don't want my brain to turn to mush. I like making things with my hands and being productive, but I also like naps. We are just taking it day by day as we focus more so on maintaining a healthy mind. What kinds of activities will foster an environment of peace? Do I need rest, or do I need to be creative? How does God want me to use my time today?

There are still opportunities to be intentional even from the comfort of my own home.

But to be honest, today was one of the hardest days I've had yet. I really haven't struggled much more than the average person - I have a lot of hobbies and projects, so it's not boredom that I wrestle with. The weight of hopelessness just felt a lot heavier today than usual. No one really has any more answers than I do, and it's the unknown that is haunting us all. I keep in close touch with my friends and my family, truly more than ever since we're all stuck at home. But I want to be mindful of not relying on them to be my source of peace and stability.

On Sunday, my pastor brought up a point that has given me a strange sense of comfort... it's that the fear of an upcoming economic crisis is not unwarranted. It's natural to feel fear because these are difficult and unprecedented times. This justifies our fear, but doesn't give us an excuse. When we feel fear, we are not overestimating the magnitude of our situation, but holding on to an inaccurate view of our God. 

I was almost in tears listening to this, because I'm crazy and think about my company and the economy every single day... and I just felt this weight/pressure to be okay lift from my shoulders. As a believer, I think it's sometimes hard to let ourselves deal with everything we truly feel because we cover it with what we should feel. Hearing my pastor give us room to feel fear, then give it to Jesus was the moment I needed to just breathe.

How sweet is it that Jesus extends that grace to us - to just breathe?

Welp, that about sums up my Thursday night quarantine thoughts. Here's to a better tomorrow. This weekend find me reading Bob Iger's book, rewatching Brooklyn Nine-Nine episodes, going on wellness walks around Celebration (6 feet apart), and continuing to check in on my people :)

Quarantine Thoughts, Vol. II: La La Land



Dear Quarantine Diary,

Today we watched La La Land, and I honestly forgot how much I like this movie. I'm pretty sure I only saw it once in theaters, but it's the artsy, abstract, dare I say ~melancholic~ type of film that I usually enjoy. There were a lot of thoughts swirling around as I watched; and since I have some extra time on my hands, here's the review no one asked for.

It seems the older I've gotten, the more I understand the depth of this movie's sadness. It wasn't until the past year or two that I fell in love with different dreams that God has placed on my heart... so watching this now I have a better grasp of what it means to love a dream more than a person. I couldn't understand how Mia and Seb could let each other go so easily if they loved each other. Shouldn't that have made everything okay? Shouldn't their lives have shifted to revolve around each other? Or at least wouldn't their own dreams pale in light of the love that they have?

Truthfully that's what I would have thought up until the last year or so.

But as God has led me to new dreams and visions for myself outside the realm of romance, I think I get it. As I grow in my independence and passion for my life, I don't know how easy it would be to let all that go for a person - even if what I felt for them was strong. I hear Mia and Seb's arguments and feel the conflicting directions their hearts are being pulled. I know what it means to let someone go with love still lingering in your heart.

And of course the movie ends with a gentle "what could have been" alternate reality, even though we see that Mia and Seb live full and happy lives apart from from each other. To me, the most heartbreaking part of that ending is not that they aren't together (spoiler alert); but that they have each gotten what they wanted out of life, and that it's good. Even though what they had was beautiful, they are okay without each other.

It's not like I even think the desire to pursue their own dreams outweighed their love for each other. In fact, I think they loved each other so much that they were willing to let go. Isn't that what brave love looks like? To let a person go in pursuit of their happiness, their dreams even if that doesn't include you. It's hard to love someone that open handedly. My natural instinct is to do the opposite and act out of a scarcity mentality. 

Honest thoughts - I used to think if it was the right person, I would do anything for them. I would sacrifice everything to be with them. But as I lean into what God has set before me, it just goes back to being purposed for so much more. And I trust Him more than ever to bring in someone who aligns with that purpose/vision. Man oh man, what a relief it is to surrender something that should cause me crippling anxiety to a God who's always got my back :) 

Here To Teach

One of my favorite parts of living here is the fact that I get to see friends/family on vacation that I don't normally get to see.

Some childhood friends were visiting this past week, and I got to see them again for the first time since I was literally sixteen years old. It's so sweet to spend time with the people who are old friends. I know what house they grew up in, and they knew me during my emo teenybopper phase. They brought with them the feeling of home, and it reminded me of where I came from.

I had a conversation with one of the boys I was closest to growing up basically about how I "made it" and how I have my life together. It made me sad and honestly kind of uncomfortable to think about how people could look at my life and only see the "perfect" parts. The life I have is not my own, and ya girl fought long and hard to get here. 

Our conversations made me think about how fortunate I am to do what I love... but I am no one special. Not to be corny as all get out, but I think anyone can achieve a dream if they are brave enough to pursue it. I wrestle with the fact that so many people will settle for something less than they are capable and deserving of. 

But the question was how? How did I get here?

And I found myself trying to articulate my story with God and all that we've been through.

My prayer lately has been for the Lord to lift my eyes higher than myself. I want to be moved by the brokenness around me. I don't want to be okay with the coping mechanisms and means of fulfillment that are the surrounding normal.

God has been faithful in my life, and I want that to be evident more than the "perfect" dream life that I appear to have. In response to my prayers lately, He has been so good in reminding me of why I'm here - even in my brief conversations with an old friend.

I think most people are looking for something to believe in, whether that's in themselves, in happiness, in doing good - that's why so many of my friends have found their way to the Happiest Place On Earth. And I know I'm here to teach others how to hear from God. How to ask Him for things and look for Him in the everyday. How to listen to what He's saying and believe that He will do what He says He will.

I take it for granted, you know? Hearing from God is something I practice daily, but I forget that it first had to be taught to me. We don't come out the womb knowing what it's like to discern God's voice... It's a muscle that has been exercised over time. Where would I be without the voice of God in my life? To think about that is heartbreaking and pushes me forward in the pursuit of the lost.

I know I will endure seasons of mediocrity or just regular smegular life, but I'm thankful for the moments that God reminds me of His heart for me and those around me. I'm praying for more of those big picture moments.

Little Thoughts

Hi friends.

I hope the new year has been kind so far. Mine has been slow, and I don't really know how to handle that. The last several months have been me pushing myself to exhaustion.

Just a few thoughts/updates I've had recently:

- Am I still a writer? If I read back on my posts from college, I feel like those were some of my favorite words. And I don't - can't - write like that anymore. What is the difference? Why can't I go back to that?

I wanted to write a book at one point in my life. I loved writing words that meant something to people... the kind that were written on their hearts before they even knew how to speak them aloud. What if my best work is in the past?

- A lot of my friends are on the dating apps, and this fascinates me. I guess I live under a rock and didn't realize they were so popular? Does it vary by location? I'm always asking questions because I just like to see how they work and the psychology behind connections made through an app. I'm not to that point yet as I still hope and believe in my ability to meet someone organically, but I'm open to it. It's just fun to spectate for now.

- One of my new year's resolutions is to chronologically read through the Bible in a year (tentatively). I'm in Genesis now of course, and it's been an unexpected challenge getting to know the God of the Old Testament. I didn't expect to wrestle with the feeling that I don't even know this guy... is this the same God I know and love? How do I learn to love and worship God for who He really is and not who I have made Him to be?

It's been good for me though because as I read through stories I don't really understand, it's an opportunity for me to go deeper. I've been keeping a journal with blurbs about what is significant to me and the new things I've learned from stories I've heard a thousand times.

- Today I was reminded that Jesus is still and always the best part about me.

The new year has not gone as I expected... nothing terribly wrong or unusual has happened, but I've felt a sort of numbness as I go through each day. Each day feels like I'm just passing through, and sometimes I feel like a shell of myself. How do I even explain?

But even though I am not, God is still good. He is still going before and behind and with me.

He is the only good that others see in me, and that's strangely comforting for someone who often looks to others to affirm who she is or what she means to them. I am still me, I am still worthy even when no one tells me so because He is my worth. He told me who I was before anyone else ever did.


Well that's all for this edition of little thoughts, folks. Stay tuned for the next round of what's going through my head.

Freedom Year


It's New Years Eve.

One of my favorite days of the year, because I believe in reminiscing the past while looking forward to fresh starts and new beginnings.

This was a really good year for me. It was a happy year. A freedom year. Not to be dramatic, but it's easy for me to mark the last few years by some kind of heartbreak or hardship. I was reading my post at the end of 2018, and I'm exhausted just reading through that season of life. Let's not even think about 2016 or 2017... and so the ease of 2019 has been quite the pleasant surprise.

Someone To Fall Back On



One of my favorite movies is Bandslam.

No one has ever heard of it. It's not an award-winning, brilliant masterpiece. It came out when I was a prime teenybopper, and it's a cliché, angsty, coming-of-age film. Maybe I like it because I'm obsessed with Vanessa Hudgens. But I love it mainly because I connect with the characters so well. That coming-of-age feeling of learning who you are and bravely fighting to be that person wholly and completely.

I love the main character, Will Burton, because he is passionate about music and can't help but let that passion spill out of him. He's a little odd and awkward, but he is himself. I love Vanessa Hudgens' character Sa5m, because she is monotonous and angsty and the most confidently herself of them all. She knows who she is, and she doesn't ask for much. And I love Aly Michalka's character, Charlotte, because she is figuring out how to be the best version of herself. She is trying to be good and honest, and it's hard.

One of the best things about this movie is the main song "Someone To Fall Back On." This is the main chorus:

I am no prince,
I am no saint,
I am not anyone's wildest dream,
But I can stand behind
And be someone to fall back on.

I adore this song. It's a declaration of devotion and the sweetest form of humility and self-sacrifice in a world that demands attention.

I am consistently asking myself if I am this person... this "someone" to fall back on. I feel like this person, but sometimes not in the best way. Sometimes I carry this as a bitter chip on my shoulder. I don't claim to be the center of someone's world, the most important person in someone's life, anyone's wildest dream; and yet I still wrestle with feeling forgotten or taken advantage of. The weight of my identity is yet again placed in the hands of other people who will inevitably let me down. What other people think/feel/say about me begins to matter enough to significantly impact my emotional well being.

Which brings me back to Jesus. Our sweet Savior and most loyal Friend. What would we do without Him? He is gentle and patient in reminding us of who we are. We are still worthy and valued and enough even without reciprocation or applause. 

Related imageHe gives us courage to be someone to fall back on with contentment and peace in our hearts. We can stand in the shadows and feel okay with our place in others' lives; even if that mean being overlooked. We can be okay with being a last minute phone call when life feels like it's crumbling or the frantic texts when the boy is acting a fool. Our pride might scoff at someone who only calls when they need something or only ever thinks of you a few times a year... but that's not what Jesus would do.

In every moment before we even remember, He is standing before, beside, and behind us with arms wide open, saying trust me, I got you. I think about all the times I run ahead of Him with eyes focused only on myself, and how trustworthy and kind He is to always be our Someone to fall back on. There is never a moment He leaves us in need, and I aspire to be as graceful as Him in moments when my humanity wants to be petty or cruel. 

There is a line in the song that says "You're wrong, you don't need much. You need someone to fall back on." And I think that's so beautiful and true. How honorable it is to be something to someone that they never knew they needed. 

More Than Survival

Ya girl is tired.

I am drained. Exhausted. In every sense, physically, mentally, emotionally.

This past weekend was the first in the month of October that I had no obligations, and I spent it getting over a cold that probably came from being so exhausted.

I have spent the month of October running around like a crazy person. The first weekend, sweet Tiffany came to visit, and we did all the Disney things since it was her first time visiting me in Orlando. The second weekend was Sarah, Haley, and Alyssa, and we did even more Disney things since Haley and Alyssa had never visited me either. The next weekend was Sarah and Victor's wedding in Ohio; and as a bridesmaid, that weekend was anything but restful. I don't mean to complain, but to emphasize the tight schedule. All while working full time and fulfilling Etsy orders. Woof.

Even though this month has been jam packed with all the fun and all the excitement, I think it has been too much for me. I am constantly learning about myself, and I just didn't have enough to give to be fully present for every moment. So I gave parts of myself, and that's not the best version of me. And now I feel empty and truly dead inside... so this has been a learning curve. I pray for expanded capacities, but also the courage to say no in an effort to saying yes to a fuller, more present me.

More than just physical exhaustion of travel and late nights/early mornings, I've been taking on a lot of stress that isn't mine to hold. Well, I'm not sure if stress is the right word... more like pressure. I think in the midst of all the busy-ness, I've been trying to squeeze God into my schedule or check Him off like the to-do list. My head knows that I can't make it without Him, so if I can get my dosage of Him daily or weekly or whatever, then I'll survive.

But I don't want to just survive.

My mind has been scattered trying to make sure I am there for my coworkers and being involved in church community and fighting temptation and staying present and balancing finances; so much so that when I would get to sit down with God even for a moment, I didn't even know what to say. It was all so much that I didn't know where to start, so I kept everything to myself. I am crazy exhausted from just doing things for God (or at least attempting to) without first receiving Him. I can't be effective or my best self without first absorbing the love and grace that God has for me, from which my heart overflows into action.

Jesus came for me too. He came to save me too, and I forget that sometimes.

But I want to remember. I want to remember why I love Him and why I'm in this. Should it be this hard? Why is it so hard for me to surrender control?

My heart is longing for true rest. Jesus, teach me true rest.

Today's Win

I had a good day today.

I've been trying to intentionally talk to God on my way to work; and even in just those ten minutes, I see a difference. Ever since a friend of mine from work asked me to pray for her, I have felt this conviction to be intentional... not just say that I'm praying for her, but actually meet with our Father and intercede on her behalf.

Today's conversation with God echoed much of my past requests. I want my coworkers especially to feel heard and loved when they are around me. I want them to feel safe. I want there to be a longing in their heart for a greater Hope. So I ask that my eyes would be open and my spirit sensitive to these types of conversations. It's so easy for me to check out and be mainly focused on how to preserve self.

Just those ten minutes in the car alone with God was enough to keep me thinking about Him throughout my day, which led to a light conversation in the break room with one of my coworkers about his religious background. He saw a post on my Instagram story of a podcast featuring one of my favorite pastors, and we were able to chat about church ministry and his faith background. Nothing forced or uncomfortable.

My heart was singing afterwards! It's these moments that count... No, he did not get baptized in that break room, but these moments in between that let me into my friends' lives just a little further to love them a little better are the moments that matter.

As I get closer to God and He shows me more of His heart for people, I am learning to count my wins differently. Sometimes a door swings wide open, and sometimes we just get to unlock it. It's not always the pivotal moment of salvation, although that is the goal... but it's the baby steps leading there. It's the conversations, the chance to simply be there. Man, it's just handling daily life with people.

Sometimes I'm hesitant to be vocal about my faith because I'm afraid that it will scare people. Or at least cause them to think of me differently and treat me with caution. I am afraid that people will put up walls with me based on their own misconceptions or interactions with religion. It hurts me to think that another poor representation of Christianity might hinder my own relationship-building should my faith be discovered.

But rarely does that happen, and I know these are lies from the enemy. God has been so faithful in bearing fruit in my life, and I'm learning to remember that when fear tries to silence me.

Later in the day, I drove a work friend home, and we had a short conversation on dating and how it's realistic and worth it to wait for a godly man. I'm literally still in shock at how much opportunity the day has held, and I attribute it to those ten minutes spent talking to God as if He was sitting next to me in the car this morning. How sweet is it that our prayers actually matter to God. They are never empty words, but petitions that He not only hears but acts upon. The chance to get our hands dirty and be a part of the story is all around us if we would just remember to look for it.


For My Heart And Mind

I don't think I am the best at handling anxiety. Certainly not the worst, but it can really get to me.

I would not say I'm a particularly anxious person, but I think in my unhealthier state of being I am. I can feel it sink in my heart like a brick. My mind becomes restless and chaotic as it circles around this one thing that's causing a change in my mental and physical state. Depending on what it is, my stomach will feel unsettled; and it can be hard to breathe.

I would be curious to know if I'm very good at hiding this. I don't think people would assume I'm a particularly anxious person, but those who know me well can probably see when my mind is preoccupied or my mood changes. Maybe even just the way I write about anxiety makes me an anxious person? I know a lot of friends who struggle with anxiety, and I feel like this word gets tossed around in modern day vocabulary fairly often... is this what it feels like? To what depth am I experiencing it?

What I have noticed is that I feel this way most often when I cannot control circumstances, feelings, etc. I don't love that because a majority of life is uncontrollable.

One situation in particular never ceases to throw off my rhythm.

Every time he comes back in my life some way or some how, I get chills. I feel like a cloud rests over my head, and I wish I could just fade into a shadow. I wish he didn't have this effect on me. Honestly I don't even think it's him that bothers me, but a reminder of a person I used to be.

I regret that person, so much so that I have tears in my eyes just writing this. In that relationship, I was someone I am not. My eyes were blinded by selfishness, and I turned my back against a God who has given me everything in pursuit of fleeting infatuation. I am ashamed of that girl. What bothers me is that he thought he knew me then, but little does he realize I despise that girl. I cringe when I think of her; and to think that he believes he knew the real me makes me feel sick.

And I know that shame doesn't come from the Lord, but sometimes it still haunts me. It shows up when he shows up, and that's why I feel the need to run. My spirit gets restless and my heart races, not in the excitement way but more like a cardiac arrest way!? My world seems to stop, and I'm paralyzed in fear and regret. I don't want to be reminded of who I once was.

I cling to Philippians 4:7 in these moments, where Paul writes that the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard our hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. That verse means so much to me. I love the verbiage here... the word guard is actionable and protective. He mentions both our hearts and our minds; I think that's important. I need peace for both the heaviness in my heart and chaos in my mind. John 14:27 says the peace He gives to us is not given as the world does. This gives me rest. The world doesn't give freely or offer a kind of peace that lasts like the divine.

I pray for peace, and God is kind enough to give of Himself extravagantly. He doesn't hold back no matter how often I need it. When shame threatens to consume me, the Lord brings me to tears with His endless grace. He smiles at me and beckons me closer to Him no matter what I've done or whatever I will do in the future. The fact that I am broken is no surprise to Him.

Even as I write this, a small piece of me is grateful for the anxiety I feel toward this situation and really in general. It turns me back to the arms of the Father in desperation and hope. Anxiety is not from God; and obviously I wish I could learn without experiencing the unpleasant life events, but it's humbling to know my greatest shame will be used for good. It will always be used to bring Him glory. As All Sons and Daughters writes, He takes brokenness aside and makes it beautiful.

Surrounded

My life is not what I pictured.

We serve a God who is strategic and purposeful in all that He does. I am grateful for that. 

Right now I live in a melting pot of a city. People come from all over the world to work and visit the tourist capitol of the world. Coming from a small-ish town in southwest Louisiana, I have never encountered such diversity in every aspect. I'm surrounded by people who don't think like me. They don't look like me or believe the same things. We have differences across the board from accents to political beliefs.

To be quite honest, that used to scare me. Differences scared me. For the most part, everyone I grew up with looked and acted and believed the same things. It wasn't until I moved away that I was able to grasp more of what it meant to truly be a light in darkness and to be the hands and feet of Jesus. 

You're always taught that in youth group, you know? Like how to share the gospel with an atheist and what to do when someone asks about Jesus. I got closer in college, but I was still in the southern bubble of Christianity with discipleship as my main focus. My eyes weren't opened until I was given the mission field that is Orlando, Florida. It's here where I finally had the opportunity to live my faith outside the safety of my comfort zone. It's here where I learned a relationship with God does not have to look exactly like my own.

I think we automatically as humans gravitate toward people who maybe look, think, and feel like we do. We are a species that has perfected the art of finding similarities or things in common to revolve our lives around. We are looking for places to belong. 

It's an interesting process to restructure your mind from the things you always grew up believing or at least were comfortable with. 

I'm doing life these days with a lot of people that don't know Jesus. The more I get to know these people, the more I love them. The more God gives me His heart for them. There is a greater, living Hope for these people, and who will do the hard work of loving them well? Who will not just shove the Gospel in their face and leave, but stay for the long haul and walk them Home

The older I get, the less I want to be surrounded by people who are exactly like me. What kind of life is this? I don't think I could live anywhere without the diversity that Orlando has brought me. I don't want what is safe or comfortable anymore. I don't believe that's the life that Jesus led or the life that He calls us to. He has more for me, for us, than a perfectly cookie cutter Sunday school life. And this is not the life I have always dreamed of for the longest time... I don't want that anymore. 


If I could go back in time and tell my younger, more naive self something, I would tell her not to be afraid. The growing pains of re-structuring your mind to love as Jesus does is beautiful and uncomfortable, but this is the good work that matters. This is work that is slow, but worthy. It is getting your hands dirty and wrestling with hard things you may not have all the answers for. This means hard conversations and not always agreeing. It is learning how to love people who are different from you without expectations; burdened only by the desire that they would know the kindness the Lord has so graciously shown you.

My senior year of college, I was afraid of leaving the ministry I had poured four years of my life into. It was a community I called home. I was taken care of and valued there. I still miss it, but I know that it's not my season anymore. God didn't spend all those years prepping me to be tucked away into the safety of a homogenous bubble. Those years were only a foundation; a launch into a world that needs more than just a Bible study on Tuesday night. 

I am thankful to be in a season of life where I know I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. I believe I've always had exactly what I've needed at any given point in my life, but I've never felt the certainty like I do now. My college ministry pastor always told us if we didn't know what to do with our lives, just to go where there was a need. The first time I heard that, my thoughts instantly went to Disney. And what do you know, the Lord made a way for me to come back. That thought is now being fulfilled... I can't wait to see how much more the good work that He has started will be brought to completion. 

I Am Not Small


I care a lot about what people think. It’s not my best quality, and I know that. Sometimes I care too much, and I’m working on that. I can’t imagine I’m alone in feeling this way. In fact, I think most people care about what at least someone thinks of them. 

Knowing that makes me cautious with what I say and do with the dreams that live in peoples’ hearts. What an honor it is for someone to share a dream or desire with you. Our reactions, our words, our attitudes can have more weight than we realize. Are we breathing life into this person or turning off a light in them? I want to be on the side that believes in someone. Even just an eye roll or an attitude of disbelief has been enough to discourage me from doing what I really want. It’s more than just caring about the opinion of others; but fuel to the fear of failure that lives within me. 

These days I am careful who I share my dreams with. And sometimes I am guilty of minimizing my dreams for the sake of others. 

The other day, I came to the realization that I am constantly trying to make myself smaller, and not in the best way. There is a difference between humility and not stepping in to the person that God has created me to be. Humility doesn’t mean my confidence is shot. It doesn’t mean I can’t be proud of who I am, and the person I have fought to become.

God has given me a life and gifts that I should be proud of. Again, not in a boastful way, but in a way that is honorable and confident. Depending on who I’m talking to, I will alter the way I speak about my life to fit their standard for me. Why can’t I just be confident in all that God has given me stewardship over?

Slower And Quieter

It feels hard for me to write these days. 

Sometimes I feel like God is teaching me so much that it's hard to put into words. Like how to depend on Him more than yesterday, and it's hard to share what that's like in a way that is not just exclusive to me. 

Sometimes I feel discouraged because it doesn't feel like I'm learning anything from God. If I'm not learning or growing, it's hard for me not to feel like I'm stuck. I compare myself to others a lot. I want to create words that matter, and how do I share content that is not just adding to the noise on the internet? 

I keep running back to God with what feels like the same old stuff. I think that's why I feel stuck. I want God to teach me something new, and I'm mad at myself for struggling with more of the same. To be quite honest, I hate waking up and feeling the same weight as yesterday and having to settle in to the same spot where my knees have made familiar imprints at the foot of the cross. My hands release more of the same burden I just laid down yesterday, and I feel tired. 

I read something today along this topic by Hannah Brencher, who claimed that if my dependence on God is increasing each day, then that's okay. That's all I can ask for, and I've accomplished what should be my goal. I like that. Because it's true! With each time I let go of the same feelings of loneliness and insecurity and doubt, I am increasingly aware of how much I can't do this. 

It also feels good to write. I'm reminded that I am a creator. I need to write. And I don't need the applause of others to feel alive in this space. It feels good to write/create something for me, not just so others can read my words. 

My voice is my own and cannot be taken away. I should remember that more often. I find myself getting lost every once in a while in who I want to be or who others want me to be, and I forget who I am. I forget what I like and what makes me feel alive. I say yes too often, and my desires and plans merge with those around me. It's not always a bad thing... but I am still learning the art of boundaries. Thankfully Jesus doesn't forget who I am and doesn't let me forget either. He brings me back to Himself where my worth and identity is found, then He reminds me to lean in to all the things He created me to be. 

So I don't know who will read this or if anyone will. But I feel more authentically me than I have in a long time. Maybe this will be a new season for this space... something slower and quieter. A space for me and for anyone who just wants to listen.

Better



For the person who feels like their timing is off, I know how you feel.

But I believe more than anything it's not.

There's a million words out there on God's timing and His plan, my own included. But I felt like I needed to write this for the person who feels like nothing is going according to plan.

I was that girl. Sometimes I am still that girl. But as I continue through life clinging to the arm of God, I am learning that I am exactly where I need to be. As I continue to pry my fingers from my own plans for my life, I am learning what it means to live a life of faith.

Staying


Alrighty folks, it's about to get long and personal here.

It's been hard to put into words all that God has been doing in my life. I get so overwhelmed with where to begin, and this post will only scratch the surface. Buuuut, I've promised to be as vulnerable and authentic as possible, so here I am still without all the answers but sharing anyways. I think we need more of that. More transparency. More of the process... let's get into the nitty-gritty meaty portion of our lives where we're still figuring things out and not just the end results tied up in a nice, neat package.

Lately God has been releasing me from the need to have control. To know what comes next. It's always been comforting to me to have plans and lists. I just like to know. But as you enter into the post-grad world, there is a vast land of both endless opportunity and a whole lot of nothing. You can do anything, but at the same time feel helplessly frozen into nothing.

What happens when you're out of logical "next steps?"

No grad school. No boyfriend. A lot of dreams, but slow-moving ambition.

Just tryin' to be real here.

So throughout my internship here at Disney, I've constantly deliberated between do I stay, or do I go? What am I doing with my life? What do I want to do with my life?

Timelines


Hi friends.

It's been a while. I've been doing the usual busy-ness, but also hard at work dreaming up some fun plans for the future. Spoiler alert: it's an Etsy shop. That's right, I'm going to go ahead and put it out there so that I actually have to do it. And I know it seems like something I should've done a long time ago, but I haven't been ready in every way. Now it just seems like the timing is right... but more on that later. 

Which is why I have and will probably continue to take a step back from writing. Honestly, I haven't seen a lot of growth with this beloved little space of mine. Does anyone even read blogs anymore? It's not that I write for the numbers or fame and fortune, but it's hard to watch something you've worked hard on and feel called to write seem to have less impact than expected. I love writing for the sake of words, but everyone wants what they're creating and putting out into the world to matter. Just keepin' it real here folks. This is the reality of so many bloggers and creatives. 

But anyways, it seems I am consistently learning the value of timing.

#ArtfulEpcot: Festival Favorites


Last weekend I got to go to Epcot's International Festival of the Arts for the first time EVER! During festival season, Epcot becomes my most visited park. I have to say, this festival is competing for the spot in my heart that belongs to Food & Wine Festival. I love food, but I also love art... plus the concert series for this one stars Broadway performers so it's a real toss up.

I actually visited the festival twice this past weekend. The weather was SO nice; but it was also opening weekend + MLK weekend, aka I'm pretty sure the entire state of Florida was there as well.