I care a lot about what people think. It’s not my best quality, and I know that. Sometimes I care too much, and I’m working on that. I can’t imagine I’m alone in feeling this way. In fact, I think most people care about what at least someone thinks of them.
Knowing that makes me cautious with what I say and do with the dreams that live in peoples’ hearts. What an honor it is for someone to share a dream or desire with you. Our reactions, our words, our attitudes can have more weight than we realize. Are we breathing life into this person or turning off a light in them? I want to be on the side that believes in someone. Even just an eye roll or an attitude of disbelief has been enough to discourage me from doing what I really want. It’s more than just caring about the opinion of others; but fuel to the fear of failure that lives within me.
These days I am careful who I share my dreams with. And sometimes I am guilty of minimizing my dreams for the sake of others.
The other day, I came to the realization that I am constantly trying to make myself smaller, and not in the best way. There is a difference between humility and not stepping in to the person that God has created me to be. Humility doesn’t mean my confidence is shot. It doesn’t mean I can’t be proud of who I am, and the person I have fought to become.
God has given me a life and gifts that I should be proud of. Again, not in a boastful way, but in a way that is honorable and confident. Depending on who I’m talking to, I will alter the way I speak about my life to fit their standard for me. Why can’t I just be confident in all that God has given me stewardship over?
I’m currently reading Girl, Wash Your Face by Rachel Hollis. She is a freaking girl boss, entrepreneur, wife, and mom. This was a book recommended to me by many friends and just a generally popular read. She talks about how the world is constantly telling women especially to make themselves smaller. That women who own a small business or side hustle will often describe their work as “just a hobby” or “something on the side” that really minimizes the work that they do.
This struck a chord with me because this is the story of my life. How many times have I called my Etsy shop just a hobby or something fun to fill my time with? How many times have I glossed over the work that I do for the Disney and what it took to get me there?
I am a 20-something single woman who works full time in recruitment for a Fortune 100 Company. I am an artist. I make things with my hands, own a small business, and dream of expanding that part of my life into more than just a side hustle. Nothing about my life is small. I work hard for these things, and Jesus and I work hard on becoming the person He’s created me to be.
There is a difference between not wanting to be boastful and not speaking confidently out of fear of making others uncomfortable. It comes down to motivation. Am I speaking out of pride that says “I’m better than you” or a pride that is rooted in security and glorification of a God who has brought me to where I am now?
Is it possible to be convicted of not being proud enough? Maybe proud is the wrong word here… but I felt something in my heart shift after I recognized the lie that says I need to make myself smaller. My heart felt almost apologetic toward myself and the Lord. How dare I minimize the dreams that God has placed on my heart. How dare I minimize the accomplishments that God has walked me through. They are a testament of the Father’s blessing, and to squish them down in order to fit the expectations crafted for me by others might take away from the purpose of the provision in the first place.
One of my favorite quotes has always been “Keep me humble. Keep me thankful. Keep me small.” by Hannah Brencher. These days I think I’m starting to understand even more what that actually means. Jesus didn’t create me for a small life. My life is big and full to the brim, as is the God who gave it to me; and I believe that He has even more for me. The prayer is not keep my life small or keep my heart small, but keep me rooted. Keep me the same inside and out. Keep me in remembrance of where I came from and to always go back to that.
I believe God has given each of us a unique story to share… I’m just working on believing that for myself. I am not someone who feels the need to talk about myself or make myself publicly known. But I do think there are moments that I could stand to lift up my chin and speak with confidence and grace about who I am and what I do. How and when to do that is something I’m still figuring out.
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