Staying

Alrighty folks, it's about to get long and personal here.

It's been hard to put into words all that God has been doing in my life. I get so overwhelmed with where to begin, and this post will only scratch the surface. Buuuut, I've promised to be as vulnerable and authentic as possible, so here I am still without all the answers but sharing anyways. I think we need more of that. More transparency. More of the process... let's get into the nitty-gritty meaty portion of our lives where we're still figuring things out and not just the end results tied up in a nice, neat package.

Lately God has been releasing me from the need to have control. To know what comes next. It's always been comforting to me to have plans and lists. I just like to know. But as you enter into the post-grad world, there is a vast land of both endless opportunity and a whole lot of nothing. You can do anything, but at the same time feel helplessly frozen into nothing.

What happens when you're out of logical "next steps?"

No grad school. No boyfriend. A lot of dreams, but slow-moving ambition.

Just tryin' to be real here.

So throughout my internship here at Disney, I've constantly deliberated between do I stay, or do I go? What am I doing with my life? What do I want to do with my life?

In November/December of last year, my restlessness came to a point where I had pretty much decided in my heart to leave Orlando. I was lonely, and my spirit just felt so tired. My purpose here seemed unfocused, and I was mainly exhausted from never truly feeling at home or at rest. 

But as we started the new year, I wavered back and forth so much that I was back to not having a clue as to what I should do. It was as if I was walking through a fog.

It took me way longer than it should have to get before God and ask for His help here. Ya see, I think I suffer from PTSD from this time last year when I was having a mental breakdown every other day not knowing what I would do after graduation. I would cry everyday and my blog posts were as angsty as ever. I would beg God for answers, but only hear silence. Obviously everything worked out, but my roommates who had a front row seat to all of the trauma would definitely say last year was a JOURNEY.

Really I should know better, because God is always about moving in the most unexpected ways. I have been scared of expectancy and of being let down, even though I have no reason to be according to His track record. And after coming to that realization, I sat down in my favorite little coffee shop here and asked God for some answers. This time it wasn't any of this vague, wherever you would send me ambiguity; but a specific request for direction.

I asked that if He wanted me to go, He would put a specific place on my heart. That doors would be opened for me that I wouldn't be able to say no to (similar to how my opportunity with Disney came up). I prayed that it would be obvious if it was time to make some money moves here.

I asked that if He wanted me to stay, I would start to see Orlando as home. That's pretty much all I wanted was to feel like this place was home-y enough for me to settle for however long He would have me here.

I won't say I demanded answers or gave God an ultimatum... At this point, we are beyond the need for signs from the heavens to prove His realness. But I think God invites us to come boldly to His throne of grace. I picture myself as a child coming to sit at the feet of the Lord with a million questions. He can say yes or no or wait, but we have to start with asking. And y'all, I don't even know how to describe what has happened since then. Even as I was leaving the coffee shop and driving through town to get home, I just knew. It was as if the feeling of home was surrounding me and settling itself deep in my heart. This is what I'm talking about when I say I've heard from God. Never in my life have I audibly heard a booming voice from the heavens, but I have had solid thoughts and feelings that align with God's Word and could only be from Someone higher. This was one of those moments, although I've rarely received a response so immediate and sure. 

After that, I was pretty certain; but I love how God knows me. He knows my indecision and how prone I am to overthink; and He continues to deliver confirmations beyond what I had asked for. Like I mentioned before, I don't need God to give me signs to prove His existence and presence in my life, yet He is kind enough to give them to me anyways. Several things happened, but the one that stands out to me the most is an email I received from Hannah Brencher's Monday email subscription. Each month has been centered around a new theme, and March's theme was community. The email's subject line was People Who Stay. I wish I could copy and paste the whole thing in this post, but that's a bit extra... I'll just put a paragraph that spoke to me the most:

Maybe you're in the space today where you cannot find your people. You feel stuck or you feel beaten down. I beg you, don't give up on showing up. Even when you feel crazy or you feel like no one notices your presence, people remember people who stay. Keep showing up. Keep trusting God to do something beyond you. Keep wrestling for the blessing with a Jacob spirit. Keep being someone who stays.

Some people experience a specific calling on their lives from God. I can't say that has been my story. God has always kind of left it up to me with a promise that He would be with me wherever I went. Honestly I wish my life was more plan-oriented, but I also believe that wherever we are glorifying God, we are following "God's plan." 

So I've decided to stay.

This is God's invitation toward me. 

Should I have decided to go, God would be with me. But lately He has been so near me at work, at church, my friendships here... inviting me to make this my home if I want it. 

Important conversations are happening here and movement in the hearts of my friends and coworkers. I'm reminded of how passionate I am about bringing the gospel to Disney cast members. 

My Etsy shop has officially launched! Of course I love working for Disney, but I am so excited to grow this passion project of mine. Small business/entrepreneurship is really where my heart lies; and to combine it with my creative work is a dream. I've had so many messages over the years encouraging me to grow my business, and the timing has just never felt right. I have a lot of creative outlets, but this is the one I finally felt a yes from God to pursue and grow. Writing and photography are still very close to me, but art is where the focus will be for now. 

This is me settling in, getting my hands dirty, and planting roots. 

It honestly really scares me to write this post. I have an actual stomachache right now because I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING. I know y'all aren't surprised.

Last weekend I signed a lease to live in an apartment until August 2020. The other day my dad mentioned changing my residency. My internship ends in June with no guarantee of a job. And now y'all are reading all about my life that is at this point completely made up of big ol' leaps of faith. 

But that's also why I felt like I needed to share it... A lot more people have no idea what they're doing with their lives than you would think. I feel cringe-y about hitting that orange 'Publish' button, and yet feel stronger the voice of God being like LOL girl yes ur posting this. This is what real life faith in Jesus looks like. It's a lot of not knowing and being out of control and figuring it out as you go. I could be dead wrong and living homeless in a box outside Magic Kingdom in a couple of months. Just kidding. But even if that were to happen, there is enough grace for me to retract everything I just said and start all over. Humans get it wrong sometimes. A lot of the time.

I've chosen to make my life and my walk with God public to show that it can be pretty messy. It's a process that is risky, but worth it. More than the finish line moments, we need a willingness to come alongside each other in prayer and partnership to help finish the race. None of our relationships with God will be exactly the same, so I pray we would learn from each other and look for Him in different ways. 

Well my friends, I thiiiink that's all I've got to say for now. Will keep you updated and work on getting braver in sharing all the in-between learning moments. I always feel like I just threw up all over the page; so congrats and a thousand thanks if you're still reading. I love ya. 

If you'd like to pray for me, let's go ahead and petition God for provision. I need a job at the end of this thing; and while I believe that if God has called me to stay, I won't be living on the streets, it still makes me anxious if I think about it too much. So let's claim provision over my career with Disney (whatever that looks like) in faith!!!