Some days I feel like I am truly thriving in this environment, finally devoting myself to creative freedom.
Some days I miss my people so much that my heart aches. I want to hug them, squeeze their hands, rest my head on their shoulder. I miss just being with them.
I found myself feeling restless earlier this evening, so I went on a drive to talk with the Lord about the heaviness in my heart. As much as I want this to end, I don't want to let precious time with God pass me by. I want to use this time that I claim to never have as wisely as I can. So much of my purpose for being and living here at WDW revolves around loving on the people that I work with. Just because we aren't in the same physical location doesn't mean my purpose is lost. Something I've been asking God for is how to love my people more creatively from afar. What does He want to say to them? Who needs to hear from God right now and how can He use me to speak it? I'm praying that even if I am not struggling, that God would burden my heart with compassion for those who are.
One strange area of peace and gratitude I have been feeling lately is in my singleness.
I always want to remember this feeling. But I won't, so I'm writing it down as proof.
I think I've resented being single my literal whole life up until about a year ago. Looking back even in my proudest moments, there was still a lingering insecurity. There was still the burning desire for a relationship so strong that I would do anything to have one. A majority of my decisions intrinsically revolved around how it would affect me relationally. My eyes roll at my past self and how ~desperate~ she was. While my heart is sad for her naïveté, it is also stronger because of it.
Loneliness paralyzed me in college, and most of the time I felt like I was going through it alone. Half of my friends either had boyfriends or fiancees or husbands. The other half didn't feel the same pressure or depth of loneliness or maybe just didn't want what I wanted as much. I wrestled with the bitter depths of heartache as everyone else got what I wanted the most. The feelings of being alone, overlooked, and forgotten were very near and very real to me.
And yet, here I am only a couple of years later - not ready to leave my days of celibacy behind so soon.
Second of all, I don't live in Louisiana anymore, and no one seems to take that seriously (insert upside-down smiley face). I will say, past me would have been interested in anyone or at least dreamt of the possibility. Did I mention my past self was desperate? Ya girl was willing to make anything work. But now that makes me laugh... My people from home could testify that I would have probably been voted least likely to choose her career over a boyfriend. I was so focused on getting married that the thought would never have even occurred to me in college.
For the first time, I feel like God has led me to a genuine place of dancing in my singleness. Not dragging my feet or even waiting or resting, but truer joy more and more each day. And I want to believe that genuine confidence in this season is real and not disillusioned.
I dance in this season knowing that there is purpose. In loneliness, sometimes there is no greater gift than joining hands with someone who knows exactly how you feel. Someone who is married or in a relationship is usually disqualified from this position by default... there is an inevitable change in their voice. I’m not ready for that to be me yet. I'm realizing how short the season of singleness could be relative to the rest of my life, and I know the Lord still has so much to do in and through me here.
I know I speak a lot about this topic in this space, but I want single women to carry with them an anthem - one that is authentic but vulnerable. Please by all means, face all the feelings. Kneel in the heartache and the loneliness, knowing that God is with you; but we will not be staying here forever. When you are ready, let Him show you how to rise into a place of empathy and empowerment.
