This week has been a rollercoaster.
I feel like I experience a new emotion every single day. One moment I feel like nothing has even changed - Kelly and I make dinner each night and watch an episode of The Voice, which is what I would be doing on any given night. The next moment, I am in tears and overwhelmed by the current state of our world.
Something I've realized is that I haven't really given myself room to grieve how I've been affected over the last month.
As I write this, I'm supposed to be in Prague after having spent a few days in Paris and preparing to fly to London tomorrow. Two weeks ago, I would have been in Nashville with my friend Sarah to see our favorite artist, Ben Rector, at the Ryman. I was doing so well in my job with Disney, hoping to finally be statused within the next couple of months; but I've recently found out that I will likely be furloughed at the end of April.
In comparison to the rest of the world - those who have been laid off, those who are sick or giving their whole selves to help those who are sick, my losses have been minor. I think of athletes who have trained endlessly for their chance or my seniors who will never get this season of their lives back, and I weep for them. I keep them in the forefront of my mind to remind me of perspective.
But in doing so, I lose my ability to really feel what is going on in my heart. I have been scared, frustrated, disappointed, and discouraged all within the last couple of days. And I feel deeply guilty for feeling these things; partially because I don't know if they are justified and partially because I feel like I'm not supposed to have these emotions. As a believer, I know that we carry with us a hope that is deeper than what the world offers. I know that we will come out on the other side of this, and that God will be glorified in the mess. But does that mean I'm not allowed to feel the weight of the loss and heartbreak these circumstances bring? How do I respond with a hope that is set apart from the world while also maintaining an authenticity that says I'm also allowed to experience hard times even if I follow Jesus?
I don't have an answer to these questions yet, if there even is an answer.
And I'm honestly not trying too hard to find that answer. It's too exhausting. Some good I've been filling my time with instead include:
- Yoga. I notoriously hate exercise, but it feels good to stretch the tension in my body; and it allows me to practice control over at least one thing in my life. I've started a little routine of waking up, exercising, and eating breakfast while watching the news all before I start my work day... my mom is very proud of me, so let's hope it lasts.
- Zoom hangs with my friends, old and new.
- Art. I've actually received a consistent amount of orders recently. I can't believe I've been doing this for a whole year now, and I was honored by the number of people who wished me congratulations on the anniversary.
- Reading Bob Iger's book. I can't say enough good about this man.
- Kelly and I made a TikTok dance (is that even the right terminology?) the other day; and while it was fun and exhausting, I think it's safe to assume it will be our last.
- Tonight was spent watching my old high school Winterguard performances on Youtube. There's also an old vlog of marching season and the year we went to the Superdome; and it made me nostalgic thinking of how this was my whole world at one point. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time to tell my nerd self to treasure this season, be proud of who I am and not care so much about what other people think... But despite the cringe worthy video content, it made me smile and miss the people I grew up with.
It has been a rocky couple of days, but I'm grateful for my people who check in and support me from 5 miles up the road or 500 miles across I-10. We know things will get better. The best is always yet to come.
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