I am drained. Exhausted. In every sense, physically, mentally, emotionally.
This past weekend was the first in the month of October that I had no obligations, and I spent it getting over a cold that probably came from being so exhausted.
I have spent the month of October running around like a crazy person. The first weekend, sweet Tiffany came to visit, and we did all the Disney things since it was her first time visiting me in Orlando. The second weekend was Sarah, Haley, and Alyssa, and we did even more Disney things since Haley and Alyssa had never visited me either. The next weekend was Sarah and Victor's wedding in Ohio; and as a bridesmaid, that weekend was anything but restful. I don't mean to complain, but to emphasize the tight schedule. All while working full time and fulfilling Etsy orders. Woof.
Even though this month has been jam packed with all the fun and all the excitement, I think it has been too much for me. I am constantly learning about myself, and I just didn't have enough to give to be fully present for every moment. So I gave parts of myself, and that's not the best version of me. And now I feel empty and truly dead inside... so this has been a learning curve. I pray for expanded capacities, but also the courage to say no in an effort to saying yes to a fuller, more present me.
More than just physical exhaustion of travel and late nights/early mornings, I've been taking on a lot of stress that isn't mine to hold. Well, I'm not sure if stress is the right word... more like pressure. I think in the midst of all the busy-ness, I've been trying to squeeze God into my schedule or check Him off like the to-do list. My head knows that I can't make it without Him, so if I can get my dosage of Him daily or weekly or whatever, then I'll survive.
But I don't want to just survive.
My mind has been scattered trying to make sure I am there for my coworkers and being involved in church community and fighting temptation and staying present and balancing finances; so much so that when I would get to sit down with God even for a moment, I didn't even know what to say. It was all so much that I didn't know where to start, so I kept everything to myself. I am crazy exhausted from just doing things for God (or at least attempting to) without first receiving Him. I can't be effective or my best self without first absorbing the love and grace that God has for me, from which my heart overflows into action.
Jesus came for me too. He came to save me too, and I forget that sometimes.
But I want to remember. I want to remember why I love Him and why I'm in this. Should it be this hard? Why is it so hard for me to surrender control?
My heart is longing for true rest. Jesus, teach me true rest.
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