A Very Brave Year

My word for this year is brave.

I've been thinking a lot about 2018, and how I feel about it. I think it was one of the most beautiful years of my life, but also really hard. Not hard in a way that made me want to escape and just get through it, but in a way that was refining and full of gratitude. The hard parts have me really thankful.

I'm realizing I did a lot of brave things this year, but bravery is not what I thought it was.

The beginning of this year held the most uncertainty, but also a lot of hope. My last semester of college was upon me. I had no plans, but hope that God would swoop in and bring direction as He is known to do. But even with hope and belief that God would provide for me, I was the most scared I've ever been in my life. I cried a lot... in church, in the car, in the night as I fell asleep... purely out of the crushing weight of fear.

I was struggling with taking the necessary steps to prepare for the future while also trusting that God would provide while also pressing in close to the relationships around me. Even though I would be graduating soon, I didn't want to pull away from the people I loved so much in order to spare myself of heartbreak. Goodbyes and change are painful, and it would've been easier to back away slowly and put up walls to prepare for inevitable parting.

But here is where I found bravery.

I always thought of being brave as an act of doing, but I think what I've found is that it's a state of being. What I mean is that I didn't necessarily do a certain thing that made me brave or courageous, like slay a dragon or defeat the Huns or bring back the heart of Te Fiti. What I did was decide in my heart that even though what was happening was hard, I would not give up. I would be close to God and close to others and listen to His voice over the voice of fear. Bravery is not made up of one or two heroic acts, but a million little moments and choices that make up the way I live my life each day.

One of my goals from my Goodbye 2017 post here was that I would say yes to whatever God had for me, whatever the cost. That opportunity came when I graduated college and had not been given my Plan A, which was for a Professional Internship at Disney. I was heartbroken and confused, because I had felt like that dream had come from the Lord. It felt like even more than a dream; but rather, a deep heart and longing to love the specific people group that is Disney cast members. It was after a sacrificial "laying down" of my dreams that I decided to stay in Baton Rouge to work for Chi Alpha for a year. Everything was in order... I had signed a lease with my roommates again, gotten a great part time job, and was starting to grow in excitement over this new season. But again, life never goes as you expect. As you all know, I now work for Disney on my dream professional internship in HR, and I wholeheartedly believe it was only after complete surrender did God say yes to going.

Thus began a whole new kind of brave.

Brave was moving my entire life in about a week and a half. It was choosing to stay when I felt lonely and overwhelmed. It was going to work when I felt intimidated and under-qualified. It was hard conversations about friendship and seasons and confrontation. It was learning to be myself when I was stripped of the familiarity of friends and school and the certainty of my life the last twenty-two years. I think anytime you move or go through significant change, it's not uncommon to go through an identity crisis. You are brought back to the core of who you are without all the things that may have contributed to the building of that person. And it is brave to continue to fight to be that person in the midst of change.

Bravery for me is still all these things and more.

It is being single and still running back to God through tears of frustration and longing, when the one greatest desire of my heart is being told to wait. It is choosing to still praise Him even when it hurts without understanding.

It is still not knowing what to do in this middle ground of post-grad life; but trusting that the end-game is going to be good, and I will be okay. It's having so many God-sized dreams in my heart and not having a clue as to when they will awaken.

It is smiling through a hard day and putting others first. It's being kind when it would be easier to not care. It's in holding on tight and letting go when it's time. Again, bravery is not all heroics, but in the small and in-between.

A lot of times, bravery looks like simply showing up. I think that's brave because these things are hard. Life is hard, and to show up and say to God, "Let's do this anyways" isn't easy. 

My prayer is that my life would continue to be lived bravely. But more than that, my prayer is that every brave thing would come from the Lord and bring me back to Him. He is the source, the lifeline. The point of a brave life is not for ourselves, but to highlight a God that empowers us to do the impossible.

So I hope you can think about your year and be proud of all the brave things you did, whether big or small. I'd love to hear about it, so send me a message or let's grab coffee. But if your year wasn't too brave, know that 2019 is right around the corner. And I believe so, so much in fresh starts and new years. Here's to the bravest year yet, my friends.