Freedom Year

It's New Years Eve.

One of my favorite days of the year, because I believe in reminiscing the past while looking forward to fresh starts and new beginnings.

This was a really good year for me. It was a happy year. A freedom year. Not to be dramatic, but it's easy for me to mark the last few years by some kind of heartbreak or hardship. I was reading my post at the end of 2018, and I'm exhausted just reading through that season of life. Let's not even think about 2016 or 2017... and so the ease of 2019 has been quite the pleasant surprise.

Someone To Fall Back On

One of my favorite movies is Bandslam.

No one has ever heard of it. It's not an award-winning, brilliant masterpiece. It came out when I was a prime teenybopper, and it's a cliché, angsty, coming-of-age film. Maybe I like it because I'm obsessed with Vanessa Hudgens. But I love it mainly because I connect with the characters so well. That coming-of-age feeling of learning who you are and bravely fighting to be that person wholly and completely.

I love the main character, Will Burton, because he is passionate about music and can't help but let that passion spill out of him. He's a little odd and awkward, but he is himself. I love Vanessa Hudgens' character Sa5m, because she is monotonous and angsty and the most confidently herself of them all. She knows who she is, and she doesn't ask for much. And I love Aly Michalka's character, Charlotte, because she is figuring out how to be the best version of herself. She is trying to be good and honest, and it's hard.

One of the best things about this movie is the main song "Someone To Fall Back On." This is the main chorus:

I am no prince,
I am no saint,
I am not anyone's wildest dream,
But I can stand behind
And be someone to fall back on.

I adore this song. It's a declaration of devotion and the sweetest form of humility and self-sacrifice in a world that demands attention.

I am consistently asking myself if I am this person... this "someone" to fall back on. I feel like this person, but sometimes not in the best way. Sometimes I carry this as a bitter chip on my shoulder. I don't claim to be the center of someone's world, the most important person in someone's life, anyone's wildest dream; and yet I still wrestle with feeling forgotten or taken advantage of. The weight of my identity is yet again placed in the hands of other people who will inevitably let me down. What other people think/feel/say about me begins to matter enough to significantly impact my emotional well being.

Which brings me back to Jesus. Our sweet Savior and most loyal Friend. What would we do without Him? He is gentle and patient in reminding us of who we are. We are still worthy and valued and enough even without reciprocation or applause. 

He gives us courage to be someone to fall back on with contentment and peace in our hearts. We can stand in the shadows and feel okay with our place in others' lives; even if that mean being overlooked. We can be okay with being a last minute phone call when life feels like it's crumbling or the frantic texts when the boy is acting a fool. Our pride might scoff at someone who only calls when they need something or only ever thinks of you a few times a year... but that's not what Jesus would do.

In every moment before we even remember, He is standing before, beside, and behind us with arms wide open, saying trust me, I got you. I think about all the times I run ahead of Him with eyes focused only on myself, and how trustworthy and kind He is to always be our Someone to fall back on. There is never a moment He leaves us in need, and I aspire to be as graceful as Him in moments when my humanity wants to be petty or cruel. 

There is a line in the song that says "You're wrong, you don't need much. You need someone to fall back on." And I think that's so beautiful and true. How honorable it is to be something to someone that they never knew they needed. 

Missing What's Gone

I went to a movie by myself tonight, as I enjoy doing

frequently.

I sang loudly and terribly along to my feelings playlist on the way home.

I walked up the steps to the second floor of my building and opened the door to my empty little apartment.

And I thank God for the sweet peace that rests in my heart.

I think a lot of people would be sad to spend their Friday night as I have. Maybe even a past me would feel sorry for myself or wrestle with an unbearable ache of loneliness. And maybe the ache of loneliness never really left, but I've adjusted to it. Even be-friended this melancholy solitude. We are the closest of friends now.

I was thinking on the way home, what if my life always looked like this? Would I be okay?

I don't think we realize certain seasons of life are seasons until we're out of them. When I was in school, I felt like I would live forever. That I was in my glory days. My friendships would never die, and we would stay like this into eternity.

Now I live hundreds of miles away, and life looks different than it did just two years ago. I think that makes me sad, but in a way that accepts that this is just life. It's not worse or unfulfilled, just different.

I miss things, people, seasons; but I'm okay with that. Some people can't stand to be sad or feel anything, but I'm okay with it. I've found that to be my best way of coping with it... I can't run. I can't bury it. I can only sit with it when it comes to visit in the still and quiet. In the gentle reminders of a time that is close to my heart. It's okay to miss all the things that are gone.

I miss people and my seasons with certain people the most. It's because I know that nothing can ever go back to being the same. Everyone changes, and there's nothing I can do to stop that. I just want to be a part of it, you know? But most of the time I just get to watch.

When I think about the fact that Jesus not only knows each human emotion, but feels them, I get even more emotional. I have heard it said that He dignifies every human emotion, and I think that's beautiful. It makes me think about what He misses... how He must miss us each time we are distant from Him. How He just wants to be a part of all the dynamic changes experienced by His creation. I want that to sit in the forefront of my mind so that I remember to feel things with God. In the sweet moments of solitude that I cherish, I want to sit in it with Him. We're together on this, and I'm thankful for that.

More Than Survival

Ya girl is tired.

I am drained. Exhausted. In every sense, physically, mentally, emotionally.

This past weekend was the first in the month of October that I had no obligations, and I spent it getting over a cold that probably came from being so exhausted.

I have spent the month of October running around like a crazy person. The first weekend, sweet Tiffany came to visit, and we did all the Disney things since it was her first time visiting me in Orlando. The second weekend was Sarah, Haley, and Alyssa, and we did even more Disney things since Haley and Alyssa had never visited me either. The next weekend was Sarah and Victor's wedding in Ohio; and as a bridesmaid, that weekend was anything but restful. I don't mean to complain, but to emphasize the tight schedule. All while working full time and fulfilling Etsy orders. Woof.

Even though this month has been jam packed with all the fun and all the excitement, I think it has been too much for me. I am constantly learning about myself, and I just didn't have enough to give to be fully present for every moment. So I gave parts of myself, and that's not the best version of me. And now I feel empty and truly dead inside... so this has been a learning curve. I pray for expanded capacities, but also the courage to say no in an effort to saying yes to a fuller, more present me.

More than just physical exhaustion of travel and late nights/early mornings, I've been taking on a lot of stress that isn't mine to hold. Well, I'm not sure if stress is the right word... more like pressure. I think in the midst of all the busy-ness, I've been trying to squeeze God into my schedule or check Him off like the to-do list. My head knows that I can't make it without Him, so if I can get my dosage of Him daily or weekly or whatever, then I'll survive.

But I don't want to just survive.

My mind has been scattered trying to make sure I am there for my coworkers and being involved in church community and fighting temptation and staying present and balancing finances; so much so that when I would get to sit down with God even for a moment, I didn't even know what to say. It was all so much that I didn't know where to start, so I kept everything to myself. I am crazy exhausted from just doing things for God (or at least attempting to) without first receiving Him. I can't be effective or my best self without first absorbing the love and grace that God has for me, from which my heart overflows into action.

Jesus came for me too. He came to save me too, and I forget that sometimes.

But I want to remember. I want to remember why I love Him and why I'm in this. Should it be this hard? Why is it so hard for me to surrender control?

My heart is longing for true rest. Jesus, teach me true rest.

Don't Feel Sorry For Me, Darling

Lately I have become the single girls' greatest cheerleader.

I write about singleness a lot, I know. But it's relevant to almost everyone at some point in their life, and something I personally wrestle with often. I've been on a strong kick over the past month or so. I'm not sure if it was something I read or what clicked in my mind, but I've been growing in my desire to change the culture surrounding singleness. It has been so frustrating over the course of my young adult life to constantly be asked if I have a boyfriend as if that's the most important aspect of my life. It is uncomfortable to be talked down to as if my life has not reached its potential because I'm alone. The comments about how great my wedding will be or how any guy would be lucky or how someday my freaking prince will come are all meant in love, I know. I know my family and friends only want me to be loved as they love me.

But I will not be felt sorry for should that never happen for me. 

I have not become so extreme that I never want marriage or family, etc. I do still believe those are in the cards for me. What bothers me the most is the thought that until that season of my life comes, it sometimes feels as if nothing else counts. Nothing else until that point matters. A relationship or marriage is arguably the peak of life in our culture today. Don't even get me started on southern culture, much less southern Christian culture... whether subconscious or not, people can't help but feel sorry for someone in their late twenties or, God forbid, thirties who is alone. Though it may never be said aloud, they are automatically seen as less successful, happy, fulfilled, fill-in-the-blank.

I wish I wish I wish I could change the attitude around singleness overnight. It's not even others' opinion of me that matters. I don't hate love or marriage... those who know me know that is far from the truth. What I hate is that there are girls out there who feel the pressure I did and the disappointment and failure that can follow. I know the types of sacrifices and changes that girls will make in their lives because of those feelings. It breaks my heart to hear girls question their identity or their standards because of their relationship status. I hate the desperation and hopelessness. I hate that people feel like a less successful, joyful, influential person than someone in a relationship.

Even my purest desires to reflect Christ and the church in marriage have been twisted around in my heart to become a measure of influence and effectiveness. I am sad for that girl who believes that God is punishing her or not paying attention to her. I once held that belief that I wanted it too much or that my desires weren't pure enough for God to give me what I wanted. It's this misunderstanding of singleness that can lead to a misunderstanding of God, and that hurts me.

Single women need to feel empowered and influential, because they are. I have felt so small and alone before, but I think we let our voices falter and grow quiet when that happens. If only we could look up and see our sisters alongside us that make up the majority.

I can still be all the things I want to be... called to be even, without a husband. In the Old Testament, the commandment was to be fruitful and multiply. But with the new covenant, the commandment is now make disciples of all nations. Jesus has brought us such a gift here. How freeing is that! This whole idea that I need to be married and have children in order to best serve God and live out His commission is sooooo old covenant. I dare someone to even think a thought like that in my direction.

Y'all, I believed that lie for so long. I only let myself dream to the limits of a perfect relationship. Marriage is a beautiful adventure that my heart craves deeply, but for shame if that is all my life consists of. May my perspective be reimagined and my heart be given freedom to cast vision with the God of creation.

I believe God has so much more for me and you, my friend. Whenever I start to feel stuck or restless or overwhelmed, I feel Him gently reminding me of that promise. He has infinitely more for us.

Today's Win

I had a good day today.

I've been trying to intentionally talk to God on my way to work; and even in just those ten minutes, I see a difference. Ever since a friend of mine from work asked me to pray for her, I have felt this conviction to be intentional... not just say that I'm praying for her, but actually meet with our Father and intercede on her behalf.

Today's conversation with God echoed much of my past requests. I want my coworkers especially to feel heard and loved when they are around me. I want them to feel safe. I want there to be a longing in their heart for a greater Hope. So I ask that my eyes would be open and my spirit sensitive to these types of conversations. It's so easy for me to check out and be mainly focused on how to preserve self.

Just those ten minutes in the car alone with God was enough to keep me thinking about Him throughout my day, which led to a light conversation in the break room with one of my coworkers about his religious background. He saw a post on my Instagram story of a podcast featuring one of my favorite pastors, and we were able to chat about church ministry and his faith background. Nothing forced or uncomfortable.

My heart was singing afterwards! It's these moments that count... No, he did not get baptized in that break room, but these moments in between that let me into my friends' lives just a little further to love them a little better are the moments that matter.

As I get closer to God and He shows me more of His heart for people, I am learning to count my wins differently. Sometimes a door swings wide open, and sometimes we just get to unlock it. It's not always the pivotal moment of salvation, although that is the goal... but it's the baby steps leading there. It's the conversations, the chance to simply be there. Man, it's just handling daily life with people.

Sometimes I'm hesitant to be vocal about my faith because I'm afraid that it will scare people. Or at least cause them to think of me differently and treat me with caution. I am afraid that people will put up walls with me based on their own misconceptions or interactions with religion. It hurts me to think that another poor representation of Christianity might hinder my own relationship-building should my faith be discovered.

But rarely does that happen, and I know these are lies from the enemy. God has been so faithful in bearing fruit in my life, and I'm learning to remember that when fear tries to silence me.

Later in the day, I drove a work friend home, and we had a short conversation on dating and how it's realistic and worth it to wait for a godly man. I'm literally still in shock at how much opportunity the day has held, and I attribute it to those ten minutes spent talking to God as if He was sitting next to me in the car this morning. How sweet is it that our prayers actually matter to God. They are never empty words, but petitions that He not only hears but acts upon. The chance to get our hands dirty and be a part of the story is all around us if we would just remember to look for it.

Where is the Hope?

I am a notoriously nostalgic person.

My mind relishes the past and it's hard for my heart to catch up to where my physical body is. I replay memories like my favorite movie. I think that's why I take so many photos... for the memories. So that when I'm old and grey, I'll have something to remember. It's why I write so much, so as to remember the feelings.

I love the past because it's a good benchmarker for how far the Lord has brought me. Gosh, has He carried me through so much. There is a collection of benchmarker moments for me when I need to remember certain things about God. I can recall them off the top of my head should I ever need a reminder that God is real. He is faithful. He is good. 

I get overwhelmed sometimes with the story He's given me. I see His fingerprints all over my life, and I'm thankful. It makes me wonder about my sweet friends who don't know Him in the same way I do. 

Where is the hope? Where is the purpose? 

I went on a trip to the beach recently with some friends from work, and one night we were talking about our greatest fears (mine is quite literally childbirth for anyone wondering). One of the fears that everyone circled around was not living out their purpose, maybe not even knowing their purpose. My heart broke for them and how scary that must feel. I wish I could give them the Hope that I've found as easily as taking their hands in mine and wrapping their fingers around it. 

Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing enough to share that with them without shoving it in their face. The daily rhythms of the gospel in action sometimes feels so slow. I want the honest conversations that are intentional and sometimes hard and awkward. I'm not going to tell someone how to live their life, but sometimes I wish I could you know? Is that wrong to say, probably. I just think I've reached a point where I've realized that my way is never better. I trust God more than I trust myself; a lesson I've learned through a slew of mistakes. But again, I guess I never would have learned until going through it. It just hurts me to see people I love walk through unnecessary heartbreak when I feel like I'm holding on to a Hope that will save them.

For My Heart And Mind

I don't think I am the best at handling anxiety. Certainly not the worst, but it can really get to me.

I would not say I'm a particularly anxious person, but I think in my unhealthier state of being I am. I can feel it sink in my heart like a brick. My mind becomes restless and chaotic as it circles around this one thing that's causing a change in my mental and physical state. Depending on what it is, my stomach will feel unsettled; and it can be hard to breathe.

I would be curious to know if I'm very good at hiding this. I don't think people would assume I'm a particularly anxious person, but those who know me well can probably see when my mind is preoccupied or my mood changes. Maybe even just the way I write about anxiety makes me an anxious person? I know a lot of friends who struggle with anxiety, and I feel like this word gets tossed around in modern day vocabulary fairly often... is this what it feels like? To what depth am I experiencing it?

What I have noticed is that I feel this way most often when I cannot control circumstances, feelings, etc. I don't love that because a majority of life is uncontrollable.

One situation in particular never ceases to throw off my rhythm.

Every time he comes back in my life some way or some how, I get chills. I feel like a cloud rests over my head, and I wish I could just fade into a shadow. I wish he didn't have this effect on me. Honestly I don't even think it's him that bothers me, but a reminder of a person I used to be.

I regret that person, so much so that I have tears in my eyes just writing this. In that relationship, I was someone I am not. My eyes were blinded by selfishness, and I turned my back against a God who has given me everything in pursuit of fleeting infatuation. I am ashamed of that girl. What bothers me is that he thought he knew me then, but little does he realize I despise that girl. I cringe when I think of her; and to think that he believes he knew the real me makes me feel sick.

And I know that shame doesn't come from the Lord, but sometimes it still haunts me. It shows up when he shows up, and that's why I feel the need to run. My spirit gets restless and my heart races, not in the excitement way but more like a cardiac arrest way!? My world seems to stop, and I'm paralyzed in fear and regret. I don't want to be reminded of who I once was.

I cling to Philippians 4:7 in these moments, where Paul writes that the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard our hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. That verse means so much to me. I love the verbiage here... the word guard is actionable and protective. He mentions both our hearts and our minds; I think that's important. I need peace for both the heaviness in my heart and chaos in my mind. John 14:27 says the peace He gives to us is not given as the world does. This gives me rest. The world doesn't give freely or offer a kind of peace that lasts like the divine.

I pray for peace, and God is kind enough to give of Himself extravagantly. He doesn't hold back no matter how often I need it. When shame threatens to consume me, the Lord brings me to tears with His endless grace. He smiles at me and beckons me closer to Him no matter what I've done or whatever I will do in the future. The fact that I am broken is no surprise to Him.

Even as I write this, a small piece of me is grateful for the anxiety I feel toward this situation and really in general. It turns me back to the arms of the Father in desperation and hope. Anxiety is not from God; and obviously I wish I could learn without experiencing the unpleasant life events, but it's humbling to know my greatest shame will be used for good. It will always be used to bring Him glory. As All Sons and Daughters writes, He takes brokenness aside and makes it beautiful.

Surrounded

My life is not what I pictured.

We serve a God who is strategic and purposeful in all that He does. I am grateful for that. 

Right now I live in a melting pot of a city. People come from all over the world to work and visit the tourist capitol of the world. Coming from a small-ish town in southwest Louisiana, I have never encountered such diversity in every aspect. I'm surrounded by people who don't think like me. They don't look like me or believe the same things. We have differences across the board from accents to political beliefs.

To be quite honest, that used to scare me. Differences scared me. For the most part, everyone I grew up with looked and acted and believed the same things. It wasn't until I moved away that I was able to grasp more of what it meant to truly be a light in darkness and to be the hands and feet of Jesus. 

You're always taught that in youth group, you know? Like how to share the gospel with an atheist and what to do when someone asks about Jesus. I got closer in college, but I was still in the southern bubble of Christianity with discipleship as my main focus. My eyes weren't opened until I was given the mission field that is Orlando, Florida. It's here where I finally had the opportunity to live my faith outside the safety of my comfort zone. It's here where I learned a relationship with God does not have to look exactly like my own.

I think we automatically as humans gravitate toward people who maybe look, think, and feel like we do. We are a species that has perfected the art of finding similarities or things in common to revolve our lives around. We are looking for places to belong. 

It's an interesting process to restructure your mind from the things you always grew up believing or at least were comfortable with. 

I'm doing life these days with a lot of people that don't know Jesus. The more I get to know these people, the more I love them. The more God gives me His heart for them. There is a greater, living Hope for these people, and who will do the hard work of loving them well? Who will not just shove the Gospel in their face and leave, but stay for the long haul and walk them Home? 

The older I get, the less I want to be surrounded by people who are exactly like me. What kind of life is this? I don't think I could live anywhere without the diversity that Orlando has brought me. I don't want what is safe or comfortable anymore. I don't believe that's the life that Jesus led or the life that He calls us to. He has more for me, for us, than a perfectly cookie cutter Sunday school life. And this is not the life I have always dreamed of for the longest time... I don't want that anymore. 

If I could go back in time and tell my younger, more naive self something, I would tell her not to be afraid. The growing pains of re-structuring your mind to love as Jesus does is beautiful and uncomfortable, but this is the good work that matters. This is work that is slow, but worthy. It is getting your hands dirty and wrestling with hard things you may not have all the answers for. This means hard conversations and not always agreeing. It is learning how to love people who are different from you without expectations; burdened only by the desire that they would know the kindness the Lord has so graciously shown you.

My senior year of college, I was afraid of leaving the ministry I had poured four years of my life into. It was a community I called home. I was taken care of and valued there. I still miss it, but I know that it's not my season anymore. God didn't spend all those years prepping me to be tucked away into the safety of a homogenous bubble. Those years were only a foundation; a launch into a world that needs more than just a Bible study on Tuesday night. 

I am thankful to be in a season of life where I know I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. I believe I've always had exactly what I've needed at any given point in my life, but I've never felt the certainty like I do now. My college ministry pastor always told us if we didn't know what to do with our lives, just to go where there was a need. The first time I heard that, my thoughts instantly went to Disney. And what do you know, the Lord made a way for me to come back. That thought is now being fulfilled... I can't wait to see how much more the good work that He has started will be brought to completion. 

I Am Not Small

I care a lot about what people think. It’s not my best quality, and I know that. Sometimes I care too much, and I’m working on that. I can’t imagine I’m alone in feeling this way. In fact, I think most people care about what at least someone thinks of them. 

Knowing that makes me cautious with what I say and do with the dreams that live in peoples’ hearts. What an honor it is for someone to share a dream or desire with you. Our reactions, our words, our attitudes can have more weight than we realize. Are we breathing life into this person or turning off a light in them? I want to be on the side that believes in someone. Even just an eye roll or an attitude of disbelief has been enough to discourage me from doing what I really want. It’s more than just caring about the opinion of others; but fuel to the fear of failure that lives within me. 

These days I am careful who I share my dreams with. And sometimes I am guilty of minimizing my dreams for the sake of others. 

The other day, I came to the realization that I am constantly trying to make myself smaller, and not in the best way. There is a difference between humility and not stepping in to the person that God has created me to be. Humility doesn’t mean my confidence is shot. It doesn’t mean I can’t be proud of who I am, and the person I have fought to become.

God has given me a life and gifts that I should be proud of. Again, not in a boastful way, but in a way that is honorable and confident. Depending on who I’m talking to, I will alter the way I speak about my life to fit their standard for me. Why can’t I just be confident in all that God has given me stewardship over?

Slower And Quieter

It feels hard for me to write these days. 

Sometimes I feel like God is teaching me so much that it's hard to put into words. Like how to depend on Him more than yesterday, and it's hard to share what that's like in a way that is not just exclusive to me. 

Sometimes I feel discouraged because it doesn't feel like I'm learning anything from God. If I'm not learning or growing, it's hard for me not to feel like I'm stuck. I compare myself to others a lot. I want to create words that matter, and how do I share content that is not just adding to the noise on the internet? 

I keep running back to God with what feels like the same old stuff. I think that's why I feel stuck. I want God to teach me something new, and I'm mad at myself for struggling with more of the same. To be quite honest, I hate waking up and feeling the same weight as yesterday and having to settle in to the same spot where my knees have made familiar imprints at the foot of the cross. My hands release more of the same burden I just laid down yesterday, and I feel tired. 

I read something today along this topic by Hannah Brencher, who claimed that if my dependence on God is increasing each day, then that's okay. That's all I can ask for, and I've accomplished what should be my goal. I like that. Because it's true! With each time I let go of the same feelings of loneliness and insecurity and doubt, I am increasingly aware of how much I can't do this. 

It also feels good to write. I'm reminded that I am a creator. I need to write. And I don't need the applause of others to feel alive in this space. It feels good to write/create something for me, not just so others can read my words. 

My voice is my own and cannot be taken away. I should remember that more often. I find myself getting lost every once in a while in who I want to be or who others want me to be, and I forget who I am. I forget what I like and what makes me feel alive. I say yes too often, and my desires and plans merge with those around me. It's not always a bad thing... but I am still learning the art of boundaries. Thankfully Jesus doesn't forget who I am and doesn't let me forget either. He brings me back to Himself where my worth and identity is found, then He reminds me to lean in to all the things He created me to be. 

So I don't know who will read this or if anyone will. But I feel more authentically me than I have in a long time. Maybe this will be a new season for this space... something slower and quieter. A space for me and for anyone who just wants to listen.

Better

For the person who feels like their timing is off, I know how you feel.

But I believe more than anything it's not.

There's a million words out there on God's timing and His plan, my own included. But I felt like I needed to write this for the person who feels like nothing is going according to plan.

I was that girl. Sometimes I am still that girl. But as I continue through life clinging to the arm of God, I am learning that I am exactly where I need to be. As I continue to pry my fingers from my own plans for my life, I am learning what it means to live a life of faith.

Eyes Up

I feel like people are always wanting to hear from God, whether they admit it or not. We want signs. We want proof and direction. We want the stars to align and something greater than ourselves to step in when we don't know what to do. I think we actually expect it.

My question then is are we really looking for God? Are we expecting Him to show up more than just at the big life moments, but also in the day to day?

Looking for God is something that I think starts with training. It must be ingrained in us to keep our eyes open with expectation.

Staying

Alrighty folks, it's about to get long and personal here.

It's been hard to put into words all that God has been doing in my life. I get so overwhelmed with where to begin, and this post will only scratch the surface. Buuuut, I've promised to be as vulnerable and authentic as possible, so here I am still without all the answers but sharing anyways. I think we need more of that. More transparency. More of the process... let's get into the nitty-gritty meaty portion of our lives where we're still figuring things out and not just the end results tied up in a nice, neat package.

Lately God has been releasing me from the need to have control. To know what comes next. It's always been comforting to me to have plans and lists. I just like to know. But as you enter into the post-grad world, there is a vast land of both endless opportunity and a whole lot of nothing. You can do anything, but at the same time feel helplessly frozen into nothing.

What happens when you're out of logical "next steps?"

No grad school. No boyfriend. A lot of dreams, but slow-moving ambition.

Just tryin' to be real here.

So throughout my internship here at Disney, I've constantly deliberated between do I stay, or do I go? What am I doing with my life? What do I want to do with my life?

Timelines

Hi friends.

It's been a while. I've been doing the usual busy-ness, but also hard at work dreaming up some fun plans for the future. Spoiler alert: it's an Etsy shop. That's right, I'm going to go ahead and put it out there so that I actually have to do it. And I know it seems like something I should've done a long time ago, but I haven't been ready in every way. Now it just seems like the timing is right... but more on that later. 

Which is why I have and will probably continue to take a step back from writing. Honestly, I haven't seen a lot of growth with this beloved little space of mine. Does anyone even read blogs anymore? It's not that I write for the numbers or fame and fortune, but it's hard to watch something you've worked hard on and feel called to write seem to have less impact than expected. I love writing for the sake of words, but everyone wants what they're creating and putting out into the world to matter. Just keepin' it real here folks. This is the reality of so many bloggers and creatives. 

But anyways, it seems I am consistently learning the value of timing.

The Purpose Is For People

Photography by Kayla Justice

If you've ever gone through something hard at one point of your life (which is everyone reading this), the last thing you want to hear is that it happens for a reason. That you will be grateful for hard times, eventually. That what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

At least for me, those quick-fix attempts at comfort never seemed to work. Like I'm glad that future me will be just peachy, but it doesn't take away the awfulness I feel right now !!!

Unfortunately I'm not here to write a guide on comforting phrases that do work in times of trouble, but rather the opposite. As someone who lives on this earth and participates in the struggle of life, but has walked far enough away to experience the gratitude that is promised, I want to say that it's worth it.

#ArtfulEpcot: Festival Favorites

Last weekend I got to go to Epcot's International Festival of the Arts for the first time EVER! During festival season, Epcot becomes my most visited park. I have to say, this festival is competing for the spot in my heart that belongs to Food & Wine Festival. I love food, but I also love art... plus the concert series for this one stars Broadway performers so it's a real toss up.

I actually visited the festival twice this past weekend. The weather was SO nice; but it was also opening weekend + MLK weekend, aka I'm pretty sure the entire state of Florida was there as well. 

Little Thoughts: H O M E

Before Christmas break (it feels weird saying that outside of school, but because my office was closed for the holidays, I really did have a winter break!), I was having dinner with a friend of mine; and we were talking about the enneagram.

The enneagram is honestly one of my favorite things to read and talk about; BUT that's not the purpose of this post, and I can't dive too deep into it now. Send me a message if you want to chat about it. Basically we are both 9's, and 9's love to be home. We only chatted briefly on our love for being home and how refreshing it would feel over the holidays, but this concept hasn't left my mind since. The interesting part for me was the tie between enneagram type and adoration of home. I knew I was an introvert, but I had never thought of my love for home as more than just a personal preference, but as a part of my personality.

I started thinking about what all I mean when I say love "home." What is it that I crave about it and why?

Here are some thoughts I started collecting recently...