Missing What's Gone

I went to a movie by myself tonight, as I enjoy doing

frequently.

I sang loudly and terribly along to my feelings playlist on the way home.

I walked up the steps to the second floor of my building and opened the door to my empty little apartment.

And I thank God for the sweet peace that rests in my heart.

I think a lot of people would be sad to spend their Friday night as I have. Maybe even a past me would feel sorry for myself or wrestle with an unbearable ache of loneliness. And maybe the ache of loneliness never really left, but I've adjusted to it. Even be-friended this melancholy solitude. We are the closest of friends now.

I was thinking on the way home, what if my life always looked like this? Would I be okay?

I don't think we realize certain seasons of life are seasons until we're out of them. When I was in school, I felt like I would live forever. That I was in my glory days. My friendships would never die, and we would stay like this into eternity.

Now I live hundreds of miles away, and life looks different than it did just two years ago. I think that makes me sad, but in a way that accepts that this is just life. It's not worse or unfulfilled, just different.

I miss things, people, seasons; but I'm okay with that. Some people can't stand to be sad or feel anything, but I'm okay with it. I've found that to be my best way of coping with it... I can't run. I can't bury it. I can only sit with it when it comes to visit in the still and quiet. In the gentle reminders of a time that is close to my heart. It's okay to miss all the things that are gone.

I miss people and my seasons with certain people the most. It's because I know that nothing can ever go back to being the same. Everyone changes, and there's nothing I can do to stop that. I just want to be a part of it, you know? But most of the time I just get to watch.

When I think about the fact that Jesus not only knows each human emotion, but feels them, I get even more emotional. I have heard it said that He dignifies every human emotion, and I think that's beautiful. It makes me think about what He misses... how He must miss us each time we are distant from Him. How He just wants to be a part of all the dynamic changes experienced by His creation. I want that to sit in the forefront of my mind so that I remember to feel things with God. In the sweet moments of solitude that I cherish, I want to sit in it with Him. We're together on this, and I'm thankful for that.