Singing In The Silence

Authenticity is magnetic.

So I want to be real with you right now. I want to share the real, raw feelings I have on my heart. Sometimes they are lovely and full of joy. Sometimes they are messy and broken.

I would have to say I'm very messy right now.

I wrote in my last blog post, here, that I felt like I was walking blindly toward the Lord. I hadn't had a moment with Him in a while; that feeling that I was encountering the presence of God. And I still feel like I'm in that place. Which is hard! It's really hard!

I did pretty poorly on a test I took recently; which began a catharsis of emotions. During our weekly worship service, I had a couple of my friends pray over me; and I had this emotional breakdown. Not just my eyes tearin' up, but full-on nasty crying. And at the time I didn't even know why. Sure, my despicable test grade had me bummed, but in that moment I felt so heavy and burdened. I was weighed down by I don't even know what. My heart unloaded in the only way it knew how: tears.

After journaling it out, I realized where that heaviness came from. I missed being in the Lord's presence. I missed being so near and in tune to Him. I missed being able to feel His closeness and being comforted by that.

Of course I have been in dry places before, where it feels like God isn't with me or speaking to me only. How am I supposed to minister to others and "be a light" if I'm not even experiencing God myself? This place was frustrating for me, because I didn't see the point. What was I supposed to be learning? I wanted the Lord's will over everything. I was spending time with Him, and had just surrendered everything I thought I had. What more could I do?

I asked God to reveal to me what's going on. How much longer would He be silent? Why was He silent?

I don't have all the answers. But after spending time meditating and waiting on the Lord, I think I have the one I need.

For We Trust In Our God - Fall Breakaway 2015

This past weekend I went to a fall retreat called Fall Breakaway by my campus ministry Chi Alpha. We literally "break away" from everything, and escape to a camp in the middle of the woods in north Louisiana. All of the Chi Alpha's in Louisiana meet up to attend sessions by a guest speaker and Chi Alpha staff across the state. We stay in camp dormitories; there are trails to walk and a pond to swim in. And the weather this weekend was absolutely beautiful. The kind that's sunny with a high of 75.

I love this weekend away. I love being surrounded by nature and by fellow believers who love Jesus.

The week before Breakaway was rough... I had a couple of big tests and assignments due that week, so I was beyond ready to escape and rest.

I went to Breakaway last year too, and it was such a sweet time. That weekend Chi Alpha became my family, and I felt connected and loved. I knew what to expect this weekend, and I was expecting great things from God.

10 Things I Love About Fall

Happy first day of fall, ya'll!

I'm celebrating by wearing a pretty dress, devouring some Dove milk chocolate caramels, and watercolor painting to Ben Rector (yes, I'm still playing that album that came out a month ago).

I don't think I truly appreciated the fall season until recent years; it was just the pre-Christmas season. Also, I feel like the color orange represents fall, and I was never a big fan of orange. But there is so much to do, so much to enjoy!

Things I love about fall:

1. Chai lattes.

I can finally drink a warm chai latte without sweating. There is nothing better than it being chilly outside with warm tea/coffee in hand. I feel so seasonal and hipster-y.

2. Cool weather.

Okay, so that doesn't roll around for us Louisianians until November, but the past few days have been cool in the morning so I've been pretending.

3. Cooler weather = sweater weather.

Fall and spring are my favorite outfit seasons: you're not freezing and you're not sweating. Break out the sweaters, scarves, and tights! And layering! I've missed layering so much. I've already made a (few) shopping trip(s) to update my fall wardrobe, and now I want to wear everything even though it's ridiculous to wear boots in 90 degree weather. But now that it's officially fall, I need to wear fall colored things which are all warmer pieces so what is a girl to do.

It's Okay To Be Lonely

(via)

Sometimes I am lonely.

Not for friends, or company, or someone to talk to.

I am lonely for a "significant other." A soulmate, a best friend with a side of romance. A Jack to my Rose; a Noah to Allie; a Troy to Gabriella. Ah, the plight of singleness.

I know every girl feels or has felt this way before. It's not a new thing, and I don't even think it's something to be ashamed of.

Yesterday as I was walking to class, I passed a couple who were walking and talking together. I just happened to glance at them when their hands met, and their fingers intertwined. And it just stuck out to me because it was so natural, like their hands were made for each other. Like they just fit.

Now I don't even know these people. I'm just creepin'. I don't know what their relationship is like or who they are... I didn't even look at their faces. But in that moment when their hands met, I felt a subtle ache in my heart. I couldn't get this couple out of my head all day. I had this longing for romance; to love and be loved. I wanted that. And honestly, don't we all?

Whenever I would experience loneliness and longing in the past, I would have asked God to take it away from me. I didn't want to go through it anymore; I just wanted it to be gone. Feeling nothing was better than hurting. I was ashamed of myself for feeling this way. I felt like longing for a relationship was weak or pathetic.