Singing In The Silence

Authenticity is magnetic.

So I want to be real with you right now. I want to share the real, raw feelings I have on my heart. Sometimes they are lovely and full of joy. Sometimes they are messy and broken.

I would have to say I'm very messy right now.

I wrote in my last blog post, here, that I felt like I was walking blindly toward the Lord. I hadn't had a moment with Him in a while; that feeling that I was encountering the presence of God. And I still feel like I'm in that place. Which is hard! It's really hard!

I did pretty poorly on a test I took recently; which began a catharsis of emotions. During our weekly worship service, I had a couple of my friends pray over me; and I had this emotional breakdown. Not just my eyes tearin' up, but full-on nasty crying. And at the time I didn't even know why. Sure, my despicable test grade had me bummed, but in that moment I felt so heavy and burdened. I was weighed down by I don't even know what. My heart unloaded in the only way it knew how: tears.

After journaling it out, I realized where that heaviness came from. I missed being in the Lord's presence. I missed being so near and in tune to Him. I missed being able to feel His closeness and being comforted by that.

Of course I have been in dry places before, where it feels like God isn't with me or speaking to me only. How am I supposed to minister to others and "be a light" if I'm not even experiencing God myself? This place was frustrating for me, because I didn't see the point. What was I supposed to be learning? I wanted the Lord's will over everything. I was spending time with Him, and had just surrendered everything I thought I had. What more could I do?

I asked God to reveal to me what's going on. How much longer would He be silent? Why was He silent?

I don't have all the answers. But after spending time meditating and waiting on the Lord, I think I have the one I need.

Faith is not based on feelings. If it were, then my faith in God would have worn out a long time ago. Although I have the head knowledge of that fact, maybe unconsciously I have been putting my faith into feelings. I've realized how dependent I am on an emotional response to God. If I'm not experiencing God, then I must be in a "dry" season. Automatically I assume my only response is to sit back and wait it out. Basically my job is to remain a faithful (but passive) follower of Jesus, and that's enough for now. Does that make sense? Is any of this really making sense... Stay with me...

But what if I'm not supposed to sit and wait on the Lord right now? What if I'm supposed to step forward in our relationship even if I'm not hearing from Him?

Whoa. That's hard, for me at least. I'm supposed to grow, serve, worship the Lord, even though I don't feel Him with me. I'm supposed to go about my life, loving and serving others and God, with the same ferocity and passion I would have if I was connecting with God emotionally. Not experiencing God emotionally doesn't make me a powerless Christian.

This is hard for me, because obviously I'm so dependent on my emotional experience with God. But in a way I'm thankful for the lesson and the tenderness with which God teaches me. I still see Him working in my life, answering my prayer requests; and also working in my friends' lives. So it's like I know He's there; I have no doubt about His existence and presence. I just haven't felt His presence in or around me lately.

How unshakable would your relationship with God be if it was built on complete trust in Him, whether You feel Him with you or not.

The realization of this lesson came after surrender... Telling God "I will still love You. I will still serve You and worship You." In every season, He's still God. He still deserves my everything. He has been faithful to me my whole life, so how could I not be faithful to Him in this silence of what, a month? A few months? What does your relationship with God really mean to you if you're not willing to fight for it?

"How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? ...But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing the Lord's praise, for he has been good to me." - Psalm 13:1, 5-6

I love these verses. I actually take comfort in knowing that even King David expressed despair at God's silence. He knows... I know... what it's like to question the silence of God. And yet he still proclaims the truth and places his trust in that. I want my faith to be as steadfast as David's; so during the times when God's face is hidden from me, I will remember who He is. His face may be hidden from me now, but I have seen what it looks like. I know that His face is kind, loving, beautiful. He has unfailing love in His eyes.

So my friends... keep singing even in the silence, because our God is good. I will choose to be faithful to the One who was, is, and will always be faithful to me.