Little Thoughts: H O M E

Before Christmas break (it feels weird saying that outside of school, but because my office was closed for the holidays, I really did have a winter break!), I was having dinner with a friend of mine; and we were talking about the enneagram.

The enneagram is honestly one of my favorite things to read and talk about; BUT that's not the purpose of this post, and I can't dive too deep into it now. Send me a message if you want to chat about it. Basically we are both 9's, and 9's love to be home. We only chatted briefly on our love for being home and how refreshing it would feel over the holidays, but this concept hasn't left my mind since. The interesting part for me was the tie between enneagram type and adoration of home. I knew I was an introvert, but I had never thought of my love for home as more than just a personal preference, but as a part of my personality.

I started thinking about what all I mean when I say love "home." What is it that I crave about it and why?

Here are some thoughts I started collecting recently...

A Very Brave Year

My word for this year is brave.

I've been thinking a lot about 2018, and how I feel about it. I think it was one of the most beautiful years of my life, but also really hard. Not hard in a way that made me want to escape and just get through it, but in a way that was refining and full of gratitude. The hard parts have me really thankful.

I'm realizing I did a lot of brave things this year, but bravery is not what I thought it was.

The beginning of this year held the most uncertainty, but also a lot of hope. My last semester of college was upon me. I had no plans, but hope that God would swoop in and bring direction as He is known to do. But even with hope and belief that God would provide for me, I was the most scared I've ever been in my life. I cried a lot... in church, in the car, in the night as I fell asleep... purely out of the crushing weight of fear.

I was struggling with taking the necessary steps to prepare for the future while also trusting that God would provide while also pressing in close to the relationships around me. Even though I would be graduating soon, I didn't want to pull away from the people I loved so much in order to spare myself of heartbreak. Goodbyes and change are painful, and it would've been easier to back away slowly and put up walls to prepare for inevitable parting.

But here is where I found bravery.

Lately

Hello my friends.

It has been a while since my last post, but here I am sitting in the Orlando airport with a delayed flight and an ache to be back in this familiar space. I'll be honest, I don't have much to say today but we'll see where we end up.

I've been pretty busy with miscellaneous trips and working, but I think what I really needed was a break. It's easy for me to get wrapped up in people-pleasing and "entertaining." I forget why I'm writing and who I'm writing to, and sometimes I just need to step away and breathe. Instead of writing for the one, it becomes writing what I think people want to read from me. Which is not always a bad thing in and of itself, but it is when that voice is louder or more important than the Lord's. I've spent the last few weeks trying to get alone with God and really dig in to what He has for me.

Love Is For The People That Don't Text First

I was on Pinterest the other day (as all productive stories start), and I saw one of those inspirational quotes that said something along the lines of "Only invest in people that invest in you" or something like that. 

You know the kind... the ones that say only make time for those that make time for you. Or don't waste your time on people who don't give you a second glance. They are motivational and powerful and really get your blood circulating and spirit of independence rising. 

But reading those types of quotes don't really give me a good sense of peace. 

There's actually this feeling that reminds me of how I'm supposed to live exactly opposite of how the world says I should live. That I serve a Jesus that calls me to a higher standard than this. 

My former campus pastor Ali Buras once had a conversation with us during leaders' lifegroup that I'll never forget. It centered around our struggle to love difficult people and how choosing to really truly love the people in our lives is hard and painful and ugh, why are we even doing this and isn't there an easier way? And I remember her asking what if we were so committed to loving people that we were willing to risk getting hurt? That our hearts would be willing to break carrying the burdens of people we love? Wouldn't it be worth it to connect them to Jesus? Maybe love when it is done well involves some pain because it involves sacrifice. It is the laying down of our pride and comfort zones. I think this is the type of love Jesus was talking about when He said, "Greater love has no man than this: that he lay down his life for his friends." This is the type of love that Jesus is. 

And I don't think this is the type of love that only chases after people that always reciprocate or show interest in you first. Love is not selfish and can't be reserved only for those that can give something back.