Here To Teach

One of my favorite parts of living here is the fact that I get to see friends/family on vacation that I don't normally get to see.

Some childhood friends were visiting this past week, and I got to see them again for the first time since I was literally sixteen years old. It's so sweet to spend time with the people who are old friends. I know what house they grew up in, and they knew me during my emo teenybopper phase. They brought with them the feeling of home, and it reminded me of where I came from.

I had a conversation with one of the boys I was closest to growing up basically about how I "made it" and how I have my life together. It made me sad and honestly kind of uncomfortable to think about how people could look at my life and only see the "perfect" parts. The life I have is not my own, and ya girl fought long and hard to get here. 

Our conversations made me think about how fortunate I am to do what I love... but I am no one special. Not to be corny as all get out, but I think anyone can achieve a dream if they are brave enough to pursue it. I wrestle with the fact that so many people will settle for something less than they are capable and deserving of. 

But the question was how? How did I get here?

And I found myself trying to articulate my story with God and all that we've been through.

My prayer lately has been for the Lord to lift my eyes higher than myself. I want to be moved by the brokenness around me. I don't want to be okay with the coping mechanisms and means of fulfillment that are the surrounding normal.

God has been faithful in my life, and I want that to be evident more than the "perfect" dream life that I appear to have. In response to my prayers lately, He has been so good in reminding me of why I'm here - even in my brief conversations with an old friend.

I think most people are looking for something to believe in, whether that's in themselves, in happiness, in doing good - that's why so many of my friends have found their way to the Happiest Place On Earth. And I know I'm here to teach others how to hear from God. How to ask Him for things and look for Him in the everyday. How to listen to what He's saying and believe that He will do what He says He will.

I take it for granted, you know? Hearing from God is something I practice daily, but I forget that it first had to be taught to me. We don't come out the womb knowing what it's like to discern God's voice... It's a muscle that has been exercised over time. Where would I be without the voice of God in my life? To think about that is heartbreaking and pushes me forward in the pursuit of the lost.

I know I will endure seasons of mediocrity or just regular smegular life, but I'm thankful for the moments that God reminds me of His heart for me and those around me. I'm praying for more of those big picture moments.

Little Thoughts

Hi friends.

I hope the new year has been kind so far. Mine has been slow, and I don't really know how to handle that. The last several months have been me pushing myself to exhaustion.

Just a few thoughts/updates I've had recently:

- Am I still a writer? If I read back on my posts from college, I feel like those were some of my favorite words. And I don't - can't - write like that anymore. What is the difference? Why can't I go back to that?

I wanted to write a book at one point in my life. I loved writing words that meant something to people... the kind that were written on their hearts before they even knew how to speak them aloud. What if my best work is in the past?

- A lot of my friends are on the dating apps, and this fascinates me. I guess I live under a rock and didn't realize they were so popular? Does it vary by location? I'm always asking questions because I just like to see how they work and the psychology behind connections made through an app. I'm not to that point yet as I still hope and believe in my ability to meet someone organically, but I'm open to it. It's just fun to spectate for now.

- One of my new year's resolutions is to chronologically read through the Bible in a year (tentatively). I'm in Genesis now of course, and it's been an unexpected challenge getting to know the God of the Old Testament. I didn't expect to wrestle with the feeling that I don't even know this guy... is this the same God I know and love? How do I learn to love and worship God for who He really is and not who I have made Him to be?

It's been good for me though because as I read through stories I don't really understand, it's an opportunity for me to go deeper. I've been keeping a journal with blurbs about what is significant to me and the new things I've learned from stories I've heard a thousand times.

- Today I was reminded that Jesus is still and always the best part about me.

The new year has not gone as I expected... nothing terribly wrong or unusual has happened, but I've felt a sort of numbness as I go through each day. Each day feels like I'm just passing through, and sometimes I feel like a shell of myself. How do I even explain?

But even though I am not, God is still good. He is still going before and behind and with me.

He is the only good that others see in me, and that's strangely comforting for someone who often looks to others to affirm who she is or what she means to them. I am still me, I am still worthy even when no one tells me so because He is my worth. He told me who I was before anyone else ever did.


Well that's all for this edition of little thoughts, folks. Stay tuned for the next round of what's going through my head.

Freedom Year

It's New Years Eve.

One of my favorite days of the year, because I believe in reminiscing the past while looking forward to fresh starts and new beginnings.

This was a really good year for me. It was a happy year. A freedom year. Not to be dramatic, but it's easy for me to mark the last few years by some kind of heartbreak or hardship. I was reading my post at the end of 2018, and I'm exhausted just reading through that season of life. Let's not even think about 2016 or 2017... and so the ease of 2019 has been quite the pleasant surprise.

Someone To Fall Back On

One of my favorite movies is Bandslam.

No one has ever heard of it. It's not an award-winning, brilliant masterpiece. It came out when I was a prime teenybopper, and it's a cliché, angsty, coming-of-age film. Maybe I like it because I'm obsessed with Vanessa Hudgens. But I love it mainly because I connect with the characters so well. That coming-of-age feeling of learning who you are and bravely fighting to be that person wholly and completely.

I love the main character, Will Burton, because he is passionate about music and can't help but let that passion spill out of him. He's a little odd and awkward, but he is himself. I love Vanessa Hudgens' character Sa5m, because she is monotonous and angsty and the most confidently herself of them all. She knows who she is, and she doesn't ask for much. And I love Aly Michalka's character, Charlotte, because she is figuring out how to be the best version of herself. She is trying to be good and honest, and it's hard.

One of the best things about this movie is the main song "Someone To Fall Back On." This is the main chorus:

I am no prince,
I am no saint,
I am not anyone's wildest dream,
But I can stand behind
And be someone to fall back on.

I adore this song. It's a declaration of devotion and the sweetest form of humility and self-sacrifice in a world that demands attention.

I am consistently asking myself if I am this person... this "someone" to fall back on. I feel like this person, but sometimes not in the best way. Sometimes I carry this as a bitter chip on my shoulder. I don't claim to be the center of someone's world, the most important person in someone's life, anyone's wildest dream; and yet I still wrestle with feeling forgotten or taken advantage of. The weight of my identity is yet again placed in the hands of other people who will inevitably let me down. What other people think/feel/say about me begins to matter enough to significantly impact my emotional well being.

Which brings me back to Jesus. Our sweet Savior and most loyal Friend. What would we do without Him? He is gentle and patient in reminding us of who we are. We are still worthy and valued and enough even without reciprocation or applause. 

He gives us courage to be someone to fall back on with contentment and peace in our hearts. We can stand in the shadows and feel okay with our place in others' lives; even if that mean being overlooked. We can be okay with being a last minute phone call when life feels like it's crumbling or the frantic texts when the boy is acting a fool. Our pride might scoff at someone who only calls when they need something or only ever thinks of you a few times a year... but that's not what Jesus would do.

In every moment before we even remember, He is standing before, beside, and behind us with arms wide open, saying trust me, I got you. I think about all the times I run ahead of Him with eyes focused only on myself, and how trustworthy and kind He is to always be our Someone to fall back on. There is never a moment He leaves us in need, and I aspire to be as graceful as Him in moments when my humanity wants to be petty or cruel. 

There is a line in the song that says "You're wrong, you don't need much. You need someone to fall back on." And I think that's so beautiful and true. How honorable it is to be something to someone that they never knew they needed.