Slower And Quieter

It feels hard for me to write these days. 

Sometimes I feel like God is teaching me so much that it's hard to put into words. Like how to depend on Him more than yesterday, and it's hard to share what that's like in a way that is not just exclusive to me. 

Sometimes I feel discouraged because it doesn't feel like I'm learning anything from God. If I'm not learning or growing, it's hard for me not to feel like I'm stuck. I compare myself to others a lot. I want to create words that matter, and how do I share content that is not just adding to the noise on the internet? 

I keep running back to God with what feels like the same old stuff. I think that's why I feel stuck. I want God to teach me something new, and I'm mad at myself for struggling with more of the same. To be quite honest, I hate waking up and feeling the same weight as yesterday and having to settle in to the same spot where my knees have made familiar imprints at the foot of the cross. My hands release more of the same burden I just laid down yesterday, and I feel tired. 

I read something today along this topic by Hannah Brencher, who claimed that if my dependence on God is increasing each day, then that's okay. That's all I can ask for, and I've accomplished what should be my goal. I like that. Because it's true! With each time I let go of the same feelings of loneliness and insecurity and doubt, I am increasingly aware of how much I can't do this. 

It also feels good to write. I'm reminded that I am a creator. I need to write. And I don't need the applause of others to feel alive in this space. It feels good to write/create something for me, not just so others can read my words. 

My voice is my own and cannot be taken away. I should remember that more often. I find myself getting lost every once in a while in who I want to be or who others want me to be, and I forget who I am. I forget what I like and what makes me feel alive. I say yes too often, and my desires and plans merge with those around me. It's not always a bad thing... but I am still learning the art of boundaries. Thankfully Jesus doesn't forget who I am and doesn't let me forget either. He brings me back to Himself where my worth and identity is found, then He reminds me to lean in to all the things He created me to be. 

So I don't know who will read this or if anyone will. But I feel more authentically me than I have in a long time. Maybe this will be a new season for this space... something slower and quieter. A space for me and for anyone who just wants to listen.

Better

For the person who feels like their timing is off, I know how you feel.

But I believe more than anything it's not.

There's a million words out there on God's timing and His plan, my own included. But I felt like I needed to write this for the person who feels like nothing is going according to plan.

I was that girl. Sometimes I am still that girl. But as I continue through life clinging to the arm of God, I am learning that I am exactly where I need to be. As I continue to pry my fingers from my own plans for my life, I am learning what it means to live a life of faith.

Eyes Up

I feel like people are always wanting to hear from God, whether they admit it or not. We want signs. We want proof and direction. We want the stars to align and something greater than ourselves to step in when we don't know what to do. I think we actually expect it.

My question then is are we really looking for God? Are we expecting Him to show up more than just at the big life moments, but also in the day to day?

Looking for God is something that I think starts with training. It must be ingrained in us to keep our eyes open with expectation.

Staying

Alrighty folks, it's about to get long and personal here.

It's been hard to put into words all that God has been doing in my life. I get so overwhelmed with where to begin, and this post will only scratch the surface. Buuuut, I've promised to be as vulnerable and authentic as possible, so here I am still without all the answers but sharing anyways. I think we need more of that. More transparency. More of the process... let's get into the nitty-gritty meaty portion of our lives where we're still figuring things out and not just the end results tied up in a nice, neat package.

Lately God has been releasing me from the need to have control. To know what comes next. It's always been comforting to me to have plans and lists. I just like to know. But as you enter into the post-grad world, there is a vast land of both endless opportunity and a whole lot of nothing. You can do anything, but at the same time feel helplessly frozen into nothing.

What happens when you're out of logical "next steps?"

No grad school. No boyfriend. A lot of dreams, but slow-moving ambition.

Just tryin' to be real here.

So throughout my internship here at Disney, I've constantly deliberated between do I stay, or do I go? What am I doing with my life? What do I want to do with my life?