Missing What's Gone

I went to a movie by myself tonight, as I enjoy doing

frequently.

I sang loudly and terribly along to my feelings playlist on the way home.

I walked up the steps to the second floor of my building and opened the door to my empty little apartment.

And I thank God for the sweet peace that rests in my heart.

I think a lot of people would be sad to spend their Friday night as I have. Maybe even a past me would feel sorry for myself or wrestle with an unbearable ache of loneliness. And maybe the ache of loneliness never really left, but I've adjusted to it. Even be-friended this melancholy solitude. We are the closest of friends now.

I was thinking on the way home, what if my life always looked like this? Would I be okay?

I don't think we realize certain seasons of life are seasons until we're out of them. When I was in school, I felt like I would live forever. That I was in my glory days. My friendships would never die, and we would stay like this into eternity.

Now I live hundreds of miles away, and life looks different than it did just two years ago. I think that makes me sad, but in a way that accepts that this is just life. It's not worse or unfulfilled, just different.

I miss things, people, seasons; but I'm okay with that. Some people can't stand to be sad or feel anything, but I'm okay with it. I've found that to be my best way of coping with it... I can't run. I can't bury it. I can only sit with it when it comes to visit in the still and quiet. In the gentle reminders of a time that is close to my heart. It's okay to miss all the things that are gone.

I miss people and my seasons with certain people the most. It's because I know that nothing can ever go back to being the same. Everyone changes, and there's nothing I can do to stop that. I just want to be a part of it, you know? But most of the time I just get to watch.

When I think about the fact that Jesus not only knows each human emotion, but feels them, I get even more emotional. I have heard it said that He dignifies every human emotion, and I think that's beautiful. It makes me think about what He misses... how He must miss us each time we are distant from Him. How He just wants to be a part of all the dynamic changes experienced by His creation. I want that to sit in the forefront of my mind so that I remember to feel things with God. In the sweet moments of solitude that I cherish, I want to sit in it with Him. We're together on this, and I'm thankful for that.

More Than Survival

Ya girl is tired.

I am drained. Exhausted. In every sense, physically, mentally, emotionally.

This past weekend was the first in the month of October that I had no obligations, and I spent it getting over a cold that probably came from being so exhausted.

I have spent the month of October running around like a crazy person. The first weekend, sweet Tiffany came to visit, and we did all the Disney things since it was her first time visiting me in Orlando. The second weekend was Sarah, Haley, and Alyssa, and we did even more Disney things since Haley and Alyssa had never visited me either. The next weekend was Sarah and Victor's wedding in Ohio; and as a bridesmaid, that weekend was anything but restful. I don't mean to complain, but to emphasize the tight schedule. All while working full time and fulfilling Etsy orders. Woof.

Even though this month has been jam packed with all the fun and all the excitement, I think it has been too much for me. I am constantly learning about myself, and I just didn't have enough to give to be fully present for every moment. So I gave parts of myself, and that's not the best version of me. And now I feel empty and truly dead inside... so this has been a learning curve. I pray for expanded capacities, but also the courage to say no in an effort to saying yes to a fuller, more present me.

More than just physical exhaustion of travel and late nights/early mornings, I've been taking on a lot of stress that isn't mine to hold. Well, I'm not sure if stress is the right word... more like pressure. I think in the midst of all the busy-ness, I've been trying to squeeze God into my schedule or check Him off like the to-do list. My head knows that I can't make it without Him, so if I can get my dosage of Him daily or weekly or whatever, then I'll survive.

But I don't want to just survive.

My mind has been scattered trying to make sure I am there for my coworkers and being involved in church community and fighting temptation and staying present and balancing finances; so much so that when I would get to sit down with God even for a moment, I didn't even know what to say. It was all so much that I didn't know where to start, so I kept everything to myself. I am crazy exhausted from just doing things for God (or at least attempting to) without first receiving Him. I can't be effective or my best self without first absorbing the love and grace that God has for me, from which my heart overflows into action.

Jesus came for me too. He came to save me too, and I forget that sometimes.

But I want to remember. I want to remember why I love Him and why I'm in this. Should it be this hard? Why is it so hard for me to surrender control?

My heart is longing for true rest. Jesus, teach me true rest.

Don't Feel Sorry For Me, Darling

Lately I have become the single girls' greatest cheerleader.

I write about singleness a lot, I know. But it's relevant to almost everyone at some point in their life, and something I personally wrestle with often. I've been on a strong kick over the past month or so. I'm not sure if it was something I read or what clicked in my mind, but I've been growing in my desire to change the culture surrounding singleness. It has been so frustrating over the course of my young adult life to constantly be asked if I have a boyfriend as if that's the most important aspect of my life. It is uncomfortable to be talked down to as if my life has not reached its potential because I'm alone. The comments about how great my wedding will be or how any guy would be lucky or how someday my freaking prince will come are all meant in love, I know. I know my family and friends only want me to be loved as they love me.

But I will not be felt sorry for should that never happen for me. 

I have not become so extreme that I never want marriage or family, etc. I do still believe those are in the cards for me. What bothers me the most is the thought that until that season of my life comes, it sometimes feels as if nothing else counts. Nothing else until that point matters. A relationship or marriage is arguably the peak of life in our culture today. Don't even get me started on southern culture, much less southern Christian culture... whether subconscious or not, people can't help but feel sorry for someone in their late twenties or, God forbid, thirties who is alone. Though it may never be said aloud, they are automatically seen as less successful, happy, fulfilled, fill-in-the-blank.

I wish I wish I wish I could change the attitude around singleness overnight. It's not even others' opinion of me that matters. I don't hate love or marriage... those who know me know that is far from the truth. What I hate is that there are girls out there who feel the pressure I did and the disappointment and failure that can follow. I know the types of sacrifices and changes that girls will make in their lives because of those feelings. It breaks my heart to hear girls question their identity or their standards because of their relationship status. I hate the desperation and hopelessness. I hate that people feel like a less successful, joyful, influential person than someone in a relationship.

Even my purest desires to reflect Christ and the church in marriage have been twisted around in my heart to become a measure of influence and effectiveness. I am sad for that girl who believes that God is punishing her or not paying attention to her. I once held that belief that I wanted it too much or that my desires weren't pure enough for God to give me what I wanted. It's this misunderstanding of singleness that can lead to a misunderstanding of God, and that hurts me.

Single women need to feel empowered and influential, because they are. I have felt so small and alone before, but I think we let our voices falter and grow quiet when that happens. If only we could look up and see our sisters alongside us that make up the majority.

I can still be all the things I want to be... called to be even, without a husband. In the Old Testament, the commandment was to be fruitful and multiply. But with the new covenant, the commandment is now make disciples of all nations. Jesus has brought us such a gift here. How freeing is that! This whole idea that I need to be married and have children in order to best serve God and live out His commission is sooooo old covenant. I dare someone to even think a thought like that in my direction.

Y'all, I believed that lie for so long. I only let myself dream to the limits of a perfect relationship. Marriage is a beautiful adventure that my heart craves deeply, but for shame if that is all my life consists of. May my perspective be reimagined and my heart be given freedom to cast vision with the God of creation.

I believe God has so much more for me and you, my friend. Whenever I start to feel stuck or restless or overwhelmed, I feel Him gently reminding me of that promise. He has infinitely more for us.

Today's Win

I had a good day today.

I've been trying to intentionally talk to God on my way to work; and even in just those ten minutes, I see a difference. Ever since a friend of mine from work asked me to pray for her, I have felt this conviction to be intentional... not just say that I'm praying for her, but actually meet with our Father and intercede on her behalf.

Today's conversation with God echoed much of my past requests. I want my coworkers especially to feel heard and loved when they are around me. I want them to feel safe. I want there to be a longing in their heart for a greater Hope. So I ask that my eyes would be open and my spirit sensitive to these types of conversations. It's so easy for me to check out and be mainly focused on how to preserve self.

Just those ten minutes in the car alone with God was enough to keep me thinking about Him throughout my day, which led to a light conversation in the break room with one of my coworkers about his religious background. He saw a post on my Instagram story of a podcast featuring one of my favorite pastors, and we were able to chat about church ministry and his faith background. Nothing forced or uncomfortable.

My heart was singing afterwards! It's these moments that count... No, he did not get baptized in that break room, but these moments in between that let me into my friends' lives just a little further to love them a little better are the moments that matter.

As I get closer to God and He shows me more of His heart for people, I am learning to count my wins differently. Sometimes a door swings wide open, and sometimes we just get to unlock it. It's not always the pivotal moment of salvation, although that is the goal... but it's the baby steps leading there. It's the conversations, the chance to simply be there. Man, it's just handling daily life with people.

Sometimes I'm hesitant to be vocal about my faith because I'm afraid that it will scare people. Or at least cause them to think of me differently and treat me with caution. I am afraid that people will put up walls with me based on their own misconceptions or interactions with religion. It hurts me to think that another poor representation of Christianity might hinder my own relationship-building should my faith be discovered.

But rarely does that happen, and I know these are lies from the enemy. God has been so faithful in bearing fruit in my life, and I'm learning to remember that when fear tries to silence me.

Later in the day, I drove a work friend home, and we had a short conversation on dating and how it's realistic and worth it to wait for a godly man. I'm literally still in shock at how much opportunity the day has held, and I attribute it to those ten minutes spent talking to God as if He was sitting next to me in the car this morning. How sweet is it that our prayers actually matter to God. They are never empty words, but petitions that He not only hears but acts upon. The chance to get our hands dirty and be a part of the story is all around us if we would just remember to look for it.