Quarantine Thoughts, Vol. V: A Good Monday

It's the start of week FOUR.

Four weeks. A whole month of a changed world.

I'm so dramatic.

I'm feeling strong and motivated this week. The weekend was good for me. I'm finally understanding the corporate culture attitude surrounding the weekend. The classic TGIF, "How was your weekend?" ... "Oh, not long enough" exchange *insert finger guns*. Even though my weekends consist of the same four walls as my work week these days, I've never felt more of a need for rest than I do now. Everything at work is chaos. Everything changes in the matter of seconds. One of the qualms of working for such a public company is that we are consistently in the news. I can't scroll twice through social media without reading some article or speculation about what Disney is doing.

This shift in attitude toward my work is so interesting to me. Working for Disney has never been true work for me. I generally enjoy going into the office and never leave with the need to escape. And not that I think that has changed drastically, but I find myself craving more rest now that work is associated with feelings of uncertainty and instability. My eight hours a day, five days a week has never been more mentally or emotionally draining.

This weekend was very productive for me personally. The 9 in me is a better, healthier version of me in productivity. Saturday was my lazy day - I took the morning off from stretching, Kelly and I started Little Fires Everywhere on Hulu, and I watched To All The Boys II alone in my room.

On Sunday, I pushed my body a little further than usual; which felt good at the time, but now not so much. I watched church online, which for some reason I've been reluctant to do until I actually do it. God has been reminding me of what my faith is actually made of and pushing me to do the things I sometimes don't feel like doing. I finished four watercolor orders, which is a lot for me since I routinely procrastinate. On the subject of art, I've been working with a photographer since January on gifts for her clients. We split up the payments to make it easier financially, and the second half just came in - as if God knew I would need the reminder right about now that He will provide for me in every way.

So happy Monday, friends. Here's to little posts (written mainly for myself) to document these ~unprecedented~ times. There are good days too.

Quarantine Thoughts, Vol. IV: Six Good Things

This week has been a rollercoaster.

I feel like I experience a new emotion every single day. One moment I feel like nothing has even changed - Kelly and I make dinner each night and watch an episode of The Voice, which is what I would be doing on any given night. The next moment, I am in tears and overwhelmed by the current state of our world.

Something I've realized is that I haven't really given myself room to grieve how I've been affected over the last month.

As I write this, I'm supposed to be in Prague after having spent a few days in Paris and preparing to fly to London tomorrow. Two weeks ago, I would have been in Nashville with my friend Sarah to see our favorite artist, Ben Rector, at the Ryman. I was doing so well in my job with Disney, hoping to finally be statused within the next couple of months; but I've recently found out that I will likely be furloughed at the end of April.

In comparison to the rest of the world - those who have been laid off, those who are sick or giving their whole selves to help those who are sick, my losses have been minor. I think of athletes who have trained endlessly for their chance or my seniors who will never get this season of their lives back, and I weep for them. I keep them in the forefront of my mind to remind me of perspective.

But in doing so, I lose my ability to really feel what is going on in my heart. I have been scared, frustrated, disappointed, and discouraged all within the last couple of days. And I feel deeply guilty for feeling these things; partially because I don't know if they are justified and partially because I feel like I'm not supposed to have these emotions. As a believer, I know that we carry with us a hope that is deeper than what the world offers. I know that we will come out on the other side of this, and that God will be glorified in the mess. But does that mean I'm not allowed to feel the weight of the loss and heartbreak these circumstances bring? How do I respond with a hope that is set apart from the world while also maintaining an authenticity that says I'm also allowed to experience hard times even if I follow Jesus?

I don't have an answer to these questions yet, if there even is an answer.

And I'm honestly not trying too hard to find that answer. It's too exhausting. Some good I've been filling my time with instead include:

- Yoga. I notoriously hate exercise, but it feels good to stretch the tension in my body; and it allows me to practice control over at least one thing in my life. I've started a little routine of waking up, exercising, and eating breakfast while watching the news all before I start my work day... my mom is very proud of me, so let's hope it lasts.

- Zoom hangs with my friends, old and new.

- Art. I've actually received a consistent amount of orders recently. I can't believe I've been doing this for a whole year now, and I was honored by the number of people who wished me congratulations on the anniversary.

- Reading Bob Iger's book. I can't say enough good about this man.

- Kelly and I made a TikTok dance (is that even the right terminology?) the other day; and while it was fun and exhausting, I think it's safe to assume it will be our last.

- Tonight was spent watching my old high school Winterguard performances on Youtube. There's also an old vlog of marching season and the year we went to the Superdome; and it made me nostalgic thinking of how this was my whole world at one point. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time to tell my nerd self to treasure this season, be proud of who I am and not care so much about what other people think... But despite the cringe worthy video content, it made me smile and miss the people I grew up with.


It has been a rocky couple of days, but I'm grateful for my people who check in and support me from 5 miles up the road or 500 miles across I-10. We know things will get better. The best is always yet to come.

Quarantine Thoughts, Vol. III: Just Breathe

Hi, hello.

Nothing much to report here but the usual.

Wake up. Change out of sleep Nike shorts into work Nike shorts. WFH. Paint or watch movies with my roommates. Sleep and repeat.

I think it's interesting all the different thoughts swirling around on the internet these days about what to do, how to feel about quarantine. Some are shouting productivity above all else, don't lose routine or waste time. Some say screw all that, do what you want, you don't have to be any certain way in these unprecedented times.

It's all just noise to me. I think I'm choosing a nice mix of those views aka whatever feels healthiest for me. I like watching movies and consuming content regularly anyways, but I also don't want my brain to turn to mush. I like making things with my hands and being productive, but I also like naps. We are just taking it day by day as we focus more so on maintaining a healthy mind. What kinds of activities will foster an environment of peace? Do I need rest, or do I need to be creative? How does God want me to use my time today?

There are still opportunities to be intentional even from the comfort of my own home.

But to be honest, today was one of the hardest days I've had yet. I really haven't struggled much more than the average person - I have a lot of hobbies and projects, so it's not boredom that I wrestle with. The weight of hopelessness just felt a lot heavier today than usual. No one really has any more answers than I do, and it's the unknown that is haunting us all. I keep in close touch with my friends and my family, truly more than ever since we're all stuck at home. But I want to be mindful of not relying on them to be my source of peace and stability.

On Sunday, my pastor brought up a point that has given me a strange sense of comfort... it's that the fear of an upcoming economic crisis is not unwarranted. It's natural to feel fear because these are difficult and unprecedented times. This justifies our fear, but doesn't give us an excuse. When we feel fear, we are not overestimating the magnitude of our situation, but holding on to an inaccurate view of our God. 

I was almost in tears listening to this, because I'm crazy and think about my company and the economy every single day... and I just felt this weight/pressure to be okay lift from my shoulders. As a believer, I think it's sometimes hard to let ourselves deal with everything we truly feel because we cover it with what we should feel. Hearing my pastor give us room to feel fear, then give it to Jesus was the moment I needed to just breathe.

How sweet is it that Jesus extends that grace to us - to just breathe?

Welp, that about sums up my Thursday night quarantine thoughts. Here's to a better tomorrow. This weekend find me reading Bob Iger's book, rewatching Brooklyn Nine-Nine episodes, going on wellness walks around Celebration (6 feet apart), and continuing to check in on my people :)

Quarantine Thoughts, Vol. II: La La Land

Dear Quarantine Diary,

Today we watched La La Land, and I honestly forgot how much I like this movie. I'm pretty sure I only saw it once in theaters, but it's the artsy, abstract, dare I say ~melancholic~ type of film that I usually enjoy. There were a lot of thoughts swirling around as I watched; and since I have some extra time on my hands, here's the review no one asked for.

It seems the older I've gotten, the more I understand the depth of this movie's sadness. It wasn't until the past year or two that I fell in love with different dreams that God has placed on my heart... so watching this now I have a better grasp of what it means to love a dream more than a person. I couldn't understand how Mia and Seb could let each other go so easily if they loved each other. Shouldn't that have made everything okay? Shouldn't their lives have shifted to revolve around each other? Or at least wouldn't their own dreams pale in light of the love that they have?

Truthfully that's what I would have thought up until the last year or so.

But as God has led me to new dreams and visions for myself outside the realm of romance, I think I get it. As I grow in my independence and passion for my life, I don't know how easy it would be to let all that go for a person - even if what I felt for them was strong. I hear Mia and Seb's arguments and feel the conflicting directions their hearts are being pulled. I know what it means to let someone go with love still lingering in your heart.

And of course the movie ends with a gentle "what could have been" alternate reality, even though we see that Mia and Seb live full and happy lives apart from from each other. To me, the most heartbreaking part of that ending is not that they aren't together (spoiler alert); but that they have each gotten what they wanted out of life, and that it's good. Even though what they had was beautiful, they are okay without each other.

It's not like I even think the desire to pursue their own dreams outweighed their love for each other. In fact, I think they loved each other so much that they were willing to let go. Isn't that what brave love looks like? To let a person go in pursuit of their happiness, their dreams even if that doesn't include you. It's hard to love someone that open handedly. My natural instinct is to do the opposite and act out of a scarcity mentality. 

Honest thoughts - I used to think if it was the right person, I would do anything for them. I would sacrifice everything to be with them. But as I lean into what God has set before me, it just goes back to being purposed for so much more. And I trust Him more than ever to bring in someone who aligns with that purpose/vision. Man oh man, what a relief it is to surrender something that should cause me crippling anxiety to a God who's always got my back :)