The Cliff

It's a very special thing to feel how much God loves His people.

There are certain people on this earth I just know that God loves a lot. Yes - He loves everyone. But in my life, I have felt an extraordinary pull toward specific people that I know He just loves. He wants them. They are special and gifted and would be the absolute best version of themselves with Him.

I swing back and forth between excitement and anxiety for these friends... Sometimes I feel like we are on the verge of something grand and miraculous. I have this vision they are on the edge of a cliff, so close to stepping off and free-falling into God's grace. And other times I feel like I see them take two steps back from the edge. More than two steps. Sometimes it feels like they are miles away. 

Sometimes I wish I could just push them off the cliff myself, you know?

But here the Lord reminds me of His gentleness and patience. And how completely not up to me it is to compel them to believe there is Someone to catch them once they fall. So we walk them back to the edge, praying they are even closer than before. 

When they turn and run in fear - we walk them back. When the world distracts them - we walk them back. When they have nothing left and are crying out for something more from this life - we walk them back. 

Love is patient. I always thought of that phrase in terms of patiently waiting for your roommate to get ready when you were ready an hour ago, but somehow I don't think that's all that the Lord meant it to mean.

I'm learning that love is patient - whether that's romantic or platonic - for its season.  

That's hard. And yet the Lord is never anxious, always patient for the day each of His children come back to Him. I want to be more like Him. With each step I take, each hand I hold - I pray it would be filled with more grace and gentleness and patience than before.

Here To Teach

One of my favorite parts of living here is the fact that I get to see friends/family on vacation that I don't normally get to see.

Some childhood friends were visiting this past week, and I got to see them again for the first time since I was literally sixteen years old. It's so sweet to spend time with the people who are old friends. I know what house they grew up in, and they knew me during my emo teenybopper phase. They brought with them the feeling of home, and it reminded me of where I came from.

I had a conversation with one of the boys I was closest to growing up basically about how I "made it" and how I have my life together. It made me sad and honestly kind of uncomfortable to think about how people could look at my life and only see the "perfect" parts. The life I have is not my own, and ya girl fought long and hard to get here. 

Our conversations made me think about how fortunate I am to do what I love... but I am no one special. Not to be corny as all get out, but I think anyone can achieve a dream if they are brave enough to pursue it. I wrestle with the fact that so many people will settle for something less than they are capable and deserving of. 

But the question was how? How did I get here?

And I found myself trying to articulate my story with God and all that we've been through.

My prayer lately has been for the Lord to lift my eyes higher than myself. I want to be moved by the brokenness around me. I don't want to be okay with the coping mechanisms and means of fulfillment that are the surrounding normal.

God has been faithful in my life, and I want that to be evident more than the "perfect" dream life that I appear to have. In response to my prayers lately, He has been so good in reminding me of why I'm here - even in my brief conversations with an old friend.

I think most people are looking for something to believe in, whether that's in themselves, in happiness, in doing good - that's why so many of my friends have found their way to the Happiest Place On Earth. And I know I'm here to teach others how to hear from God. How to ask Him for things and look for Him in the everyday. How to listen to what He's saying and believe that He will do what He says He will.

I take it for granted, you know? Hearing from God is something I practice daily, but I forget that it first had to be taught to me. We don't come out the womb knowing what it's like to discern God's voice... It's a muscle that has been exercised over time. Where would I be without the voice of God in my life? To think about that is heartbreaking and pushes me forward in the pursuit of the lost.

I know I will endure seasons of mediocrity or just regular smegular life, but I'm thankful for the moments that God reminds me of His heart for me and those around me. I'm praying for more of those big picture moments.

Little Thoughts

Hi friends.

I hope the new year has been kind so far. Mine has been slow, and I don't really know how to handle that. The last several months have been me pushing myself to exhaustion.

Just a few thoughts/updates I've had recently:

- Am I still a writer? If I read back on my posts from college, I feel like those were some of my favorite words. And I don't - can't - write like that anymore. What is the difference? Why can't I go back to that?

I wanted to write a book at one point in my life. I loved writing words that meant something to people... the kind that were written on their hearts before they even knew how to speak them aloud. What if my best work is in the past?

- A lot of my friends are on the dating apps, and this fascinates me. I guess I live under a rock and didn't realize they were so popular? Does it vary by location? I'm always asking questions because I just like to see how they work and the psychology behind connections made through an app. I'm not to that point yet as I still hope and believe in my ability to meet someone organically, but I'm open to it. It's just fun to spectate for now.

- One of my new year's resolutions is to chronologically read through the Bible in a year (tentatively). I'm in Genesis now of course, and it's been an unexpected challenge getting to know the God of the Old Testament. I didn't expect to wrestle with the feeling that I don't even know this guy... is this the same God I know and love? How do I learn to love and worship God for who He really is and not who I have made Him to be?

It's been good for me though because as I read through stories I don't really understand, it's an opportunity for me to go deeper. I've been keeping a journal with blurbs about what is significant to me and the new things I've learned from stories I've heard a thousand times.

- Today I was reminded that Jesus is still and always the best part about me.

The new year has not gone as I expected... nothing terribly wrong or unusual has happened, but I've felt a sort of numbness as I go through each day. Each day feels like I'm just passing through, and sometimes I feel like a shell of myself. How do I even explain?

But even though I am not, God is still good. He is still going before and behind and with me.

He is the only good that others see in me, and that's strangely comforting for someone who often looks to others to affirm who she is or what she means to them. I am still me, I am still worthy even when no one tells me so because He is my worth. He told me who I was before anyone else ever did.


Well that's all for this edition of little thoughts, folks. Stay tuned for the next round of what's going through my head.

Freedom Year

It's New Years Eve.

One of my favorite days of the year, because I believe in reminiscing the past while looking forward to fresh starts and new beginnings.

This was a really good year for me. It was a happy year. A freedom year. Not to be dramatic, but it's easy for me to mark the last few years by some kind of heartbreak or hardship. I was reading my post at the end of 2018, and I'm exhausted just reading through that season of life. Let's not even think about 2016 or 2017... and so the ease of 2019 has been quite the pleasant surprise.