It Matters That You're Here

Hey friends!

If you follow me on Instagram, you've probably seen that I've gotten to be a part of my very first book launch team for Come Matter Here by Hannah Brencher. This has been an honor and so exciting for me! I'm writing here today to not only encourage you to invest in this girl and her words, but also to share a part of my story and what this book means to me.

But first, introductions.

Hannah Brencher is hands down my favorite writer I have ever known (or read, whatever... I have not actually met her, but I think she would say we are friends). She writes and speaks on God and mental health and productivity and everything in between. I first found Hannah through my friend Taylor and signed up for her Monday email club, which brought motivation straight to my inbox through a weekly email subscription. As a blogger myself, I found so much inspiration from her honest essays posted to her website every so often.

My favorite thing about Hannah's writing is that it is always raw and always vulnerable. It feels like she's writing the things in my heart that I am too afraid to speak or don't know how to put into words yet. She writes words that make me feel safe and at home, but challenge me to be better.

Her new book Come Matter Here cannot be summarized or labeled as one thing. The subtitle is "Your invitation to be here in a getting there world," but it is about everything. She writes about fear. Finding community. Learning how to stay and live your life right where you are. Depression. Singleness. How to read the Bible and ask all the questions.

I am in awe at God's timing in all of this. It's not a coincidence that I read this book right as I was walking through a season in which I felt a loss of control, and things once again turned out differently than I expected. I underlined pretty much half the book, but here's one of my favorite quotes that got an underline, a star, AND a bracket:

Maybe you've been in my spot before. It's the moment when you had really high expectations for something and it just didn't work out like you thought it would. You prayed a lot prayers. You did your best, but it feels like God has other plans and maybe you weren't prepared for that. I am learning God doesn't bring us places to meet our expectations. For him, it's a lot more about the transformation. He loves who we are, but he will never pass up on the chance to use life events to make us better. - pg. 71 (emphasis mine)

I love control. I love plans. But again I am learning that just because things don't work out as planned doesn't mean that I'm doing something wrong or that God isn't still in the midst of it. All I can do is try and walk through this life with open hands, asking God to show up for me and being brave enough to do the same. 

BUT... that is only half of why this book has made such an impact on me.

There are not many things that are hard for me to post or share here, but I hesitated on this one. It's strange because this part of my life is such a huge chunk of my story that I will gladly sit down and share with you over lunch or coffee or late night drives through the city. But I guess writing it down makes it that much more tangible and real.

My junior year of high school, I went through a mild form of depression. At the time, I didn't understand why I felt the way I did; and it wasn't until years later that I knew the name for what I was going through.

My depression stemmed from raging insecurity. I hated myself. I hated my life. I spent everyday waiting to go back to bed because I felt I had no purpose or reason to live. I was tired all the time and frequently bounced between apathy and a mental breakdown every five minutes. It was frustrating because I did not have a bad life... I had friends and family who loved me. I was smart and involved in school. But there was no sense of joy no matter what I did. I was mad at God because I felt like He had turned His back on me. My prayers felt like they were just bouncing off the ceiling, and I couldn't understand why He would let me feel this way, why nothing was changing even though I was doing everything I knew to be "right." I walked through a lot of darkness that year.

Come Matter Here includes Hannah's own story of depression and mental health; and I found myself emotional as I read through her journey. It was a beautiful reminder of where I'd been and that I wasn't crazy or alone. Her words were a comfort to scars that have long since been healed, but can still haunt me even five years later.

I used to fear that the depression would come back. That I would mess up and fall away from the Lord and be in the darkness again indefinitely. I don't really think that anymore. I think there are days when the Enemy tries to make that my story. There are days that are more of a struggle than others. Sometimes I'm surprised at how hard my mind has to fight to get up and show up for the Lord, my people, and myself even five years later. There are days when I ask why and want to give up, even though I know better and don't understand why I feel the way I do. Sometimes I think that I should be better than that or I should be over this by now.

But I know God doesn't mind helping me get out of bed everyday. I know He is not tired of me or annoyed. I know He is patient and kind and compassionate. He looks at my brokenness and sees His girl, and that's 100% okay with me. 

And even though I learned that people who have been through depression are 80% likely to experience it again, I know that will not be my ending. I know where my victory lies. In a weird way, this statistic brought me relief... because of it, I can be aware of signs or red flags. I can remind myself that I'm not going crazy and take the steps I need to toward better mental health.

Something Hannah writes that I really felt in my heart and wish that I had read in my season of depression is this:

Maybe the prayer isn't 'God, take this away from me.' Maybe it's, 'God, help me move through this.' Avoiding something and moving through something are two very different things.

Maybe that meant I would get a little beat up in the process. I would take some hits. Maybe life isn't about avoiding the bruises, it's about collecting the scars to prove we showed up for it. We think darkness like this could only be a punishment, but maybe it's the start of building something new. I know beautiful things are born out of the dark all the time. - pg. 81

Even if depression isn't something you've ever struggled with, it's not hard to feel alone. We live in a world that is loud and fast and screaming just to drown out the loneliness. I think we just need to learn how to simply be there and show up for people. How to settle into the trenches and love well in order to make people feel a little more seen and known and loved.

I know this is a longer than usual post, but it's important. I'm working on being as brave and vulnerable as Hannah, and I know God has used her words to speak to me so clearly. I have no doubt He would do the same for you, no matter what season of life you're in.

Some people spend their whole lives searching for a place to matter, a place to belong... I don't want that to be you. You already matter right where you are. It matters that you're here. That you're on this earth in the place and season of life that you're in, reading this post, and feeling the things that you feel. 

So read her book. Order yours or borrow my copy. Underline and highlight and write in the margins. Call me and we'll talk about it.

It matters that you're here.