Quarantine Thoughts, Vol. II: La La Land

Dear Quarantine Diary,

Today we watched La La Land, and I honestly forgot how much I like this movie. I'm pretty sure I only saw it once in theaters, but it's the artsy, abstract, dare I say ~melancholic~ type of film that I usually enjoy. There were a lot of thoughts swirling around as I watched; and since I have some extra time on my hands, here's the review no one asked for.

It seems the older I've gotten, the more I understand the depth of this movie's sadness. It wasn't until the past year or two that I fell in love with different dreams that God has placed on my heart... so watching this now I have a better grasp of what it means to love a dream more than a person. I couldn't understand how Mia and Seb could let each other go so easily if they loved each other. Shouldn't that have made everything okay? Shouldn't their lives have shifted to revolve around each other? Or at least wouldn't their own dreams pale in light of the love that they have?

Truthfully that's what I would have thought up until the last year or so.

But as God has led me to new dreams and visions for myself outside the realm of romance, I think I get it. As I grow in my independence and passion for my life, I don't know how easy it would be to let all that go for a person - even if what I felt for them was strong. I hear Mia and Seb's arguments and feel the conflicting directions their hearts are being pulled. I know what it means to let someone go with love still lingering in your heart.

And of course the movie ends with a gentle "what could have been" alternate reality, even though we see that Mia and Seb live full and happy lives apart from from each other. To me, the most heartbreaking part of that ending is not that they aren't together (spoiler alert); but that they have each gotten what they wanted out of life, and that it's good. Even though what they had was beautiful, they are okay without each other.

It's not like I even think the desire to pursue their own dreams outweighed their love for each other. In fact, I think they loved each other so much that they were willing to let go. Isn't that what brave love looks like? To let a person go in pursuit of their happiness, their dreams even if that doesn't include you. It's hard to love someone that open handedly. My natural instinct is to do the opposite and act out of a scarcity mentality. 

Honest thoughts - I used to think if it was the right person, I would do anything for them. I would sacrifice everything to be with them. But as I lean into what God has set before me, it just goes back to being purposed for so much more. And I trust Him more than ever to bring in someone who aligns with that purpose/vision. Man oh man, what a relief it is to surrender something that should cause me crippling anxiety to a God who's always got my back :) 

Quarantine Thoughts

Is it weird to say that I'm enjoying my quarantine life?

Probably not since I love being home so much (but in all actuality, I think many would say I'm pretty social). Also, I'm not actually quarantined, just working from home like most these days.

I've swung through every possible mood/emotion you could possibly have in these ~unprecedented~ times. Apathy to anxiety to denial to panic. I find myself needing to dial in to a reality check. A truth check, if you will.

1. That this will not last forever. The world will not always be like this. It will be changed, yes - but we will return to a normal eventually.

2. That God has not abandoned us. He is not surprised by this pandemic, and He is with us even now.

I hit the stage of fear today. I had been looking toward news articles, social media posts, opinions of other people to bring me a sense of comfort. I wanted these people to tell me it would be okay, but they only left me feeling more restless than ever.

The world is shutting down. Our economy is shutting down... what does this mean for my job? I felt fear creep in and grip my heart, and I quickly wandered down the rabbit hole of worse case scenarios. If I lost my job, could I get another one? What if I couldn't find one in Orlando, how would I live? How long would my parents help me? How long before I had to move home to Louisiana? What would I do in Louisiana, where would I work? What if I could come back to Disney, how long until they brought me back? Would I be able to move back just like that?

That's what my brain looked like today before we stopped and sat down for a nice long talk with Jesus.

As I began explaining my anxieties to Him, I could already start to feel the weight of their untruth be lifted from me. At the root of all those questions was the fear that God was not looking out for me. That He would not provide for me and that our master plan was ruined.

Those are lies from the Enemy, and I know that. I don't truly believe those things. Maybe I am naive or attempting to numb myself into feeling okay... or maybe the Lord is already reassuring me that this is not the end. I know He has cast vision for my life, and I know that He will provide for me, whatever that looks like. He has brought me so far, and it's hard for me not to believe He will be faithful to complete the good work He has begun in me.

I don't want to be another voice adding to the fear and chaos of this world. It's so easy to look inward and focus on what this means for me and my life, but that's not what's needed right now. I think Jesus is asking us to be His hands and feet here. He is asking us to look to Him and walk with a steadiness that is contradictory to the current state of the world. He is asking us to use our voices to speak light and peace in a season of uncertainty.

As believers, we cannot be voices that add to the chaos. We just can't. There's truly no reason for us to be. I know there will be challenges and hardship ahead - being a believer doesn't excuse us from that. But we will be okay because God is with us and within us. That alone is enough to bring us peace. He is enough.

There's a lot swirling around on the internet these days, and I hesitated to add to it... but this has been my official statement of hope. Let's not give in to the fear, friends. It's so easy if we're looking to anyone or anything else but Jesus to quiet our hearts. He's still with us. He will always be our greatest Hope as we continue to pray for healing to our earth.

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." - John 14:27

The Cliff

It's a very special thing to feel how much God loves His people.

There are certain people on this earth I just know that God loves a lot. Yes - He loves everyone. But in my life, I have felt an extraordinary pull toward specific people that I know He just loves. He wants them. They are special and gifted and would be the absolute best version of themselves with Him.

I swing back and forth between excitement and anxiety for these friends... Sometimes I feel like we are on the verge of something grand and miraculous. I have this vision they are on the edge of a cliff, so close to stepping off and free-falling into God's grace. And other times I feel like I see them take two steps back from the edge. More than two steps. Sometimes it feels like they are miles away. 

Sometimes I wish I could just push them off the cliff myself, you know?

But here the Lord reminds me of His gentleness and patience. And how completely not up to me it is to compel them to believe there is Someone to catch them once they fall. So we walk them back to the edge, praying they are even closer than before. 

When they turn and run in fear - we walk them back. When the world distracts them - we walk them back. When they have nothing left and are crying out for something more from this life - we walk them back. 

Love is patient. I always thought of that phrase in terms of patiently waiting for your roommate to get ready when you were ready an hour ago, but somehow I don't think that's all that the Lord meant it to mean.

I'm learning that love is patient - whether that's romantic or platonic - for its season.  

That's hard. And yet the Lord is never anxious, always patient for the day each of His children come back to Him. I want to be more like Him. With each step I take, each hand I hold - I pray it would be filled with more grace and gentleness and patience than before.

Here To Teach

One of my favorite parts of living here is the fact that I get to see friends/family on vacation that I don't normally get to see.

Some childhood friends were visiting this past week, and I got to see them again for the first time since I was literally sixteen years old. It's so sweet to spend time with the people who are old friends. I know what house they grew up in, and they knew me during my emo teenybopper phase. They brought with them the feeling of home, and it reminded me of where I came from.

I had a conversation with one of the boys I was closest to growing up basically about how I "made it" and how I have my life together. It made me sad and honestly kind of uncomfortable to think about how people could look at my life and only see the "perfect" parts. The life I have is not my own, and ya girl fought long and hard to get here. 

Our conversations made me think about how fortunate I am to do what I love... but I am no one special. Not to be corny as all get out, but I think anyone can achieve a dream if they are brave enough to pursue it. I wrestle with the fact that so many people will settle for something less than they are capable and deserving of. 

But the question was how? How did I get here?

And I found myself trying to articulate my story with God and all that we've been through.

My prayer lately has been for the Lord to lift my eyes higher than myself. I want to be moved by the brokenness around me. I don't want to be okay with the coping mechanisms and means of fulfillment that are the surrounding normal.

God has been faithful in my life, and I want that to be evident more than the "perfect" dream life that I appear to have. In response to my prayers lately, He has been so good in reminding me of why I'm here - even in my brief conversations with an old friend.

I think most people are looking for something to believe in, whether that's in themselves, in happiness, in doing good - that's why so many of my friends have found their way to the Happiest Place On Earth. And I know I'm here to teach others how to hear from God. How to ask Him for things and look for Him in the everyday. How to listen to what He's saying and believe that He will do what He says He will.

I take it for granted, you know? Hearing from God is something I practice daily, but I forget that it first had to be taught to me. We don't come out the womb knowing what it's like to discern God's voice... It's a muscle that has been exercised over time. Where would I be without the voice of God in my life? To think about that is heartbreaking and pushes me forward in the pursuit of the lost.

I know I will endure seasons of mediocrity or just regular smegular life, but I'm thankful for the moments that God reminds me of His heart for me and those around me. I'm praying for more of those big picture moments.