Hi friends.
Today I'm talking about something pretty personal and close to my heart. Lately I've been growing into something I didn't know I actually felt passionate about or needed to see value in...
And that's diversity.
Racial diversity is a hot topic these days, so I'm not going to claim to know all there is to know. There is no pretending to know how another person of another race feels, so I hope you'll read this knowing this is what I feel and what I know from my own Asian American perspective.
I did not grow up with a lot of diversity.
First of all, I am adopted for those who don't know. For some reason, I assume that everyone automatically knows; but I'll preface this post with that fact. I was raised all my life in a white household. My family is wonderful, and I know God handpicked them for me. We moved to Louisiana when I was in the third grade, and that's when I began to notice that I was different as one of the only Asian American students in the class, arguably the whole school. I noticed because I was constantly asked if I knew Chinese or martial arts. My eye shape and accent (or lack thereof) was mimicked by kids who didn't know better. I didn't even know better.
I noticed as I was expected to automatically be the smartest person in the room because I was Asian. It's flattering until you are in fact not the smartest person in the room and made to feel like there is something wrong with you. There were times when I was referred to as "the Asian," and I felt like I was expected fall into the stereotype of being nerdy, quiet, and meek. This was a nightmare as a typical middle/high schooler just wanting to fit in and be like everyone else.
I still notice when people don't believe my name is really my name or assume that I won't be able to communicate in English very well before even speaking with me.
My story is by no means the worst out there. I know that, and I will never play the game of comparison. But I think the bottom line is that I was made to feel different and that those differences weren't something to be celebrated.
I spent most of my adolescence wildly insecure, wishing I could look and be like everyone else around me. Looking back on my life, it's becoming clearer to see the parts that were affected by a negative view of my own race. Being Asian was not lovely or desirable. Beauty was found in features that I did not have, and I constantly fought against my features that made me different. For so long I rejected anything to do with Asian culture in fear of being stereotyped. Even if I wanted to identify with anything of Asian culture, I felt like I couldn't because I was basically white. Obviously I was aware of my own race, but I often felt pressured to pretend that I was not of another racial background entirely. Because of this, I think I suppressed a lot of hurt and refused to accept that as a minority, I am in fact different. Not in a bad way, but different nonetheless from those around me. I know that not all of my insecurity came from my race, but race should never even be an insecurity in the first place. I also believe my life would look different had being Asian been something to love instead of hate about myself.
I write about all of this not as a sob story to gain your sympathy or make anyone question any conversation or comment ever made to me (so please don't send me apologetic comments/texts!!!). I don't write about this because I am angry or bitter about the past or enraged at the way things are today. I have a beautiful, fortunate life with a family and friends that love me. My story like most others just has parts laced with lack of understanding and perspective. I'm writing about this because honestly I'm still learning how to find freedom here. My whole life has been about embracing more of who I am in Christ, and I'm so proud to be working through this part of the story. I don't mind being different. I know that I am crazy and weird, but I still fight the lies that say I should want to look and be like everyone else in order to be more loved.
Lately I've been so proud of the film/media industry for creating films with positive Asian representation, such as the new movie Crazy Rich Asians, Netflix original To All The Boys I've Loved Before, and Disney's live-action remake of Mulan. I'll be seeing Crazy Rich Asians this week, but I watched To All The Boys I've Loved Before this weekend; and I'm obsessed. PLEASE go watch it. The movie is based on the book series by Jenni Han; and it's a teenybopper coming-of-age cheeseball of a film, but of course, I'm a sucker for those kind of movies. Besides just being the cutest movie ever, I love the cinematic journey behind it. The author selectively chose a producer that would ensure the casting of an Asian lead as the main character, Lara Jean, despite multiple other offers that would whitewash the story. In an interview I read, the actress Lana Condor spoke about growing up with a lack of Asian representation saying,
It got to the point where there was so little representation. I just thought it was normal. My whole reason for doing this is so girls who look like me feel seen.
Gosh, I won't lie... reading that made me tear up and realize how much this matters. This is important. Historically, the representation of Asians in the media have been supporting roles as unattractive, weird, nerd characters. This might seem small and irrelevant, but it's so important especially for young girls and guys in their growing up years to be shown they can be more. Before we become, sometimes we have to be shown how to be smart and strong and confident and beautiful. Here is where media has become one of the biggest influences in the discovery of who we are and who we can be. I know that representation doesn't solve the search for identity long-term, and I don't need it to know that I am beautiful. But I do know that it is important that every person feel seen and proud of the way that God created them. How great is it that we get movies and TV shows to highlight all the different ways humans have been created?
Race has become one of those taboo, touchy subjects; but I don't think it has to be. At least for me. It actually makes me more uncomfortable when people tiptoe around the fact that we're different. I think we just have to be confident in communicating that different does not mean wrong. My hope is that you walk away from these words with an open heart and greater understanding of just people in general. I don't want you to think I carry a burden of being a minority; because again, that's reinforcing the idea that it's a negative quality I'd rather not have.
Let's just agree to be better and promise to have deeper, wider hearts that work hard to celebrate differences.
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